Jade took the proffered twenty-pound note without argument and disappeared into the coffee shop. Maddie crouched down to Ben again and said, ‘Do you like your car?’
He looked at her with wide eyes, then at the car in his hand and gave an almost imperceptible nod of his head.
‘Good, I’m glad. When we get to the park, maybe you can show me how fast it goes.’ He blinked. ‘Can you say Maddie? Maddie?’ He blinked again. She reached out to push his hair from his eyes and he shrank away from her. She hesitated, then pulled her hand back. Too much, too soon. She didn’t want him to be frightened of his Aunty Maddie.
She really needed him to like her.
‘So did you have fun with your daddy?’
He whispered something that was carried away in the street noise. She leant closer. ‘Sorry?’
‘Mumma,’ he said.
‘No, Daddy yesterday. Did you have fun with Daddy?’ she repeated.
‘Mumma,’ he said again.
Jade’s shadow fell over her. ‘He doesn’t like talking about his dad, it makes him upset.’ She looked annoyed.
Maddie shot to her feet. ‘Oh! I’m so sorry.’
‘Come on, let’s go.’ Jade shoved the coffee at her. Maddie could see a brown paper bag from the coffee shop poking out from Jade’s handbag. She must’ve bought a cookie for Ben. She waited for Jade to give her back the change from the coffees, which wouldn’t have cost twenty pounds, but nothing was forthcoming. Jade gripped the pushchair with her free hand and steered it into the pedestrians, the atmosphere between them suddenly crisp.
Maddie followed Jade like a faithful puppy, chattering about the weather, the shops they passed, the people around them, until they reached the gate to the park. She could hear herself overcompensating for the lack of conversation coming from Jade, but couldn’t stop herself from babbling. Maddie held the gate open for Jade, who pushed past her without a word. Maddie had to jump backwards to avoid the wheels of the pushchair running over her foot.
The grass was wet underfoot, with leaves mushed into the ground. A small, black dog ran over to them, sniffing at the pushchair and wagging its tail. Ben smiled and reached out to touch it and Maddie smiled with him.
‘Hey there,’ Maddie said to the dog while bending down to let it sniff her hand. ‘You know, Ben, you should always let a dog sniff your hand first before reaching out to it – like this – so that it doesn’t get frightened.’
Ben copied her and giggled as the dog licked his hand. She could feel Jade watching them quietly. The dog’s owner whistled from further up the path and it ran off, all flopping ears and lolling tongue. Ben followed it with his eyes, still smiling, and Maddie couldn’t help herself. She reached out and touched his cheek lightly, her heart aching.
‘You really like kids, don’t you?’
Maddie stood up quickly. ‘Yes, I do,’ she said with a sigh.
‘So why don’t you have any?’
Maddie hesitated, but if Jade had noticed her reticence, she didn’t retract her question. She just carried on staring at Maddie, waiting for an answer. ‘It’s complicated. We tried… for years,’ was all Maddie said.
‘Ah, Greg shooting blanks, was he? But wait, isn’t the new girlfriend pregnant? Oooh, is it not his?’ Her eyes lit up at the whiff of scandal.
‘It is his. He wasn’t at fault. I was.’ Maddie swallowed thickly and set off up the path towards the pond.
Jade followed, more animated now. ‘So what happened?’
‘What they call “unexplained infertility”. I don’t want to talk about it though.’
Jade eyed Maddie curiously, like she was a specimen in a jar, as though if she stared hard enough she could see what was wrong with her. It’s a look Maddie had seen on Greg’s face before.
‘Oh, look, Ben! There’s a beautiful swan!’ Maddie pointed at the water. Ben strained to get out of the pushchair, so she reached down and unclipped him. He darted up with youthful clumsiness in his little welly boots and toddled towards the water.
‘Careful! Not too close to the water!’ Maddie said and followed him, pleased to leave the conversation behind.
The cup of coffee was still hot in her hand and she sipped at it as she watched him. Jade came to stand next to her. She had the bakery bag in her hand and pulled a millionaire’s shortbread from it. Her eyes flicked over to Maddie and she said begrudgingly, ‘Want some?’
‘Er, no, thanks.’ Maddie wasn’t sure what to make of her rudeness. Maybe it had slipped Jade’s mind to return Maddie’s change, but it looked like she had bought herself a treat and nothing for anyone else, which was selfish and bad manners. Maddie certainly wouldn’t buy herself something in a bakery without getting another for whoever she was with – or for her son.
Jade saw the look on Maddie’s face and said around shortbread crumbs, ‘Oh, sorry, I would’ve got you one, but you don’t look like the cake-eating kind.’ She gestured at Maddie’s body, crumbs falling as she gesticulated at her. ‘You’re such a skinny arse. I swear I could snap you in half. That’s a compliment, by the way. Besides, you have to be really careful these days. Everyone is allergic to something or other.’ She carried on chewing.
‘I’m not allergic to anything. Greg is – a severe nut allergy. I always had to be careful. I just don’t really have much of an appetite – usually.’
Jade ignored the inflection. ‘Well, there you go, see? So Greg has an allergy, huh? Me, I think about food all the time. Food and fags – ha! Cigarettes, not gay people,’ she added unnecessarily.
Feeling annoyed, Maddie stared at the people around them. The mums with their small children chasing balls; dogs sniffing, digging and playing; runners huffing and puffing past, their breath like clouds. She breathed it all in, remembering why she liked coming here
