‘Fuck, that was close!’ Jade said.
‘Stay here.’ Maddie got back out of the car and waved at Gemma as she came over. ‘Hi, I just came to collect my car. I knocked but there was no answer.’
‘Ok.’ Gemma did not seem pleased to see her. She was dressed in gym gear and held a rolled-up yoga mat in her arms. ‘How are you?’
‘Fine, fine.’
‘You sure? You look a bit flushed.’
‘My friend, Jade, had the heater on in the car,’ Maddie gesticulated over her shoulder, ‘and it was a bit hot for me. Anyway, I’ll get out of your way.’
‘You should watch that, Maddie. It could be the menopause. You’re the right age for it,’ Gemma replied. ‘I’ll WhatsApp you my smoothie recipe later. You should try it. It’s great for women of your age – hot flushes can be quite debilitating. Or so I hear.’
Maddie’s fists clenched at her sides.
‘Thanks, I’ll try it. Listen, can I come over and see Jemima sometime this week? Greg said it would be ok.’ He hadn’t, but she knew he would if she asked.
Gemma physically bristled in front of her. ‘It’s a busy week for us with her swimming lessons and art classes and things. I’ll let you know.’
‘Right, well, better get off.’ Maddie waved at the back window of Gemma’s car and Jemima waved back from her car seat.
Maddie got back in the car and started the engine. As she reversed down the driveway, Gemma was still standing in the same spot, staring after them. Jade wound down the window, leant out, flipped her middle finger at Gemma and cackled loudly.
Maddie shrieked, ‘Jade!’ She panicked and hit the accelerator too hard, making the wheels skid and squeal in the gravel as they pulled off. ‘Oh my God! I can’t believe you did that! And shat in her toilet!’
‘Well, now that I’ve met her, I really can’t understand why it’s not her you would want to kill,’ Jade said.
‘Oh, don’t get me wrong, Gemma is a giant pain in the bottom, but Greg is the one who cheated. Either one would deserve it, honestly.’
THEN
‘This time will be different. I can feel it,’ Greg says to me as we leave the clinic.
I smile and try to join him in his optimism, but I’m struggling. With every miscarriage, a little part of me dies too. Greg is always so quick to hop back in the saddle so to speak, always ready to try again. Like the baby we just lost is that easy to replace.
He convinced me into trying IVF and the doctors are hopeful, considering that getting pregnant isn’t the problem.
Staying pregnant is.
I’m tired and I want to go home, crawl into bed, turn my face to the wall and stay there until the baby is full term and ready to come out.
If there is a baby.
It’s all I can think about. I try and get on with my day, doing everything required of me – shopping, cooking, cleaning. I have taken a step back from the business and have employed a PA for Greg so that I can take time out to concentrate on this project. I say I have employed one, but it is Greg who insisted. She seems nice, Gemma. Undeniably pretty and she has a lot to learn, makes some silly mistakes, but she’s ambitious and she will keep Greg on his toes – and he needs that as he can be quite fickle and unfocused when it comes to the business. All grand ideas and schemes to make money, but not a practical bone in his body. That was my job – to tighten the purse strings, rein him in, burst his creative bubble when he was reaching too far towards the sun.
But my focus is now on a different expansion of Team Lowe. I found that I couldn’t concentrate on work for very long, not really caring if someone hadn’t paid their invoice for six weeks or whether the order was going out correctly. Greg suggested I take some time off, but instead of relaxing, I find myself trawling the internet looking at nursery ideas, baby names, anything related to a child I haven’t had yet and feeling the weight of it all crushing my chest. The nursery has been redecorated after every failed pregnancy because I don’t want my child to be haunted by the ghosts of siblings past. Greg just agrees to anything I suggest, despite the cost.
He’s good that way.
I can feel tears pricking at my eyes as we climb into the car. I don’t want to face another disappointment. But I can’t not keep trying. The idea of the family we want consumes me.
I don’t want to think about what will happen if I never achieve my dream – or the lengths I will go to make it happen.
I know I will do anything.
6
Maddie hung her house keys on a nail behind the door when they returned to her flat.
‘That’s a good idea, that is,’ Jade says, pointing at the keys. ‘I can never find mine.’
Maddie went into the kitchen to find wine, glasses and some crisps or something. The morning’s excitement had left her starving. The wine was Jade’s idea. ‘Somewhere in the world it’s five o’clock’, she’d said and Maddie could do with steadying her nerves. She still felt twitchy and nervous, like ants were crawling on her skin. She expected her phone to ring at any moment, Gemma shouting at her, accusing her, or Greg telling her how disappointed he was.
Instead, it was Jade’s phone that chirped, but Maddie still jumped. Jade was reading the text message and smiling. ‘Ben is coming home, so there’ll be plenty of time for you to take him swimming tomorrow if you still want to,’ she said.
‘That’s great! You know, I’m happy to babysit any time if you need a night out with Deon or some time for yourself. You just have to ask.’
‘Yeah, thanks.’
‘You’ll
