“I know what you’re thinking,” Paul said unexpectedly.
“What am I thinking?” she asked with amusement.
“You’re wondering why I find life in the military so attractive.”
She shrugged. “Close.”
“Do you want to know my answer?”
Ruth was aware of his reasons, but wanted to hear him out, anyway. “Sure, go ahead.”
“I like the structure, the discipline, the knowledge that I’m doing something positive to bring about freedom and democracy in the world.”
This was where it got troubling for Ruth.
Before she could state her own feelings, Paul stopped her. “I know you don’t agree with me, and I accept that, but I am who I am.”
“I didn’t challenge that—I wouldn’t.”
He stiffened, then reached for his coffee and held it at arm’s length, cupping his hands around the mug. “True enough, but the minute I started talking, you looked like you wanted to challenge my answer.”
She hadn’t known her feelings were that transparent.
“I guess now is as good a time as any to ask where I stand with you.”
“What do you mean?” An uneasy feeling began to creep up her spine. They had only a couple of days before he was scheduled to leave, and she was going to need every minute of that time to concentrate on this relationship.
“You know what I’m asking, Ruth.”
She did. She met his eyes. “I’m in love with you, Paul.”
“I’m in love with you, too.” He stretched his hand across the table and intertwined their fingers.
Her heart nearly sprang out of her chest with happiness and yet tears filled her eyes.
To her astonishment, Paul laughed. “This is supposed to be a happy moment,” he told her.
“I am happy, but I’m afraid, too.”
“Of what?”
“Of you leaving again. Of your involvement in the military. Of you fighting in a war, any war.”
“It’s what I do.”
“I know.” Still, she had difficulty reconciling her emotions and beliefs with the way Paul chose to make his living.
“But you don’t like it,” he said, his voice hard.
“No.”
He sighed harshly. “Then tell me where we go from here.”
Ruth wished she knew. “I can’t answer that.”
His eyes pleaded with her. “I can’t answer it for you, Ruth. You’re going to have to make up your mind about us.”
She’d known it would come down to this. “I’m not sure I can. Not yet.”
He considered her words. “When do you think you’ll be able to decide?”
“Let’s wait until you’ve finished your training and we see each other again.... We’ll both have a better idea then, don’t you think?”
“No. I might not be coming back to Seattle. I have to know soon. Now. Tonight.” He paused. “I realize I sound unfair and pushy, and I apologize.”
“Apologize for what?” she asked. Her hand tightened around his fingers. She could feel him pulling away from her, if not physically, then emotionally.
“I’ve been trained to be decisive. Putting things off only leads to confusion. We’ve been writing for months.”
“Yes, I know, but—”
“We’ve spent every possible minute of my leave together.”
“Yes....”
“I love you, Ruth, but I won’t lie to you. I’m not leaving the marines. I’ve chosen the military as my career and that means I could be involved in conflicts all over the world. I have to know if you can accept that.”
“I...”
“If you can’t, we need to walk away from each other right now. I don’t want to drag this out. You decide.”
Ruth didn’t want a part-time husband. “I want a man who’ll be a husband to me and a father to my children. A man of peace, not war.” She didn’t mean to sound so adamant.
Paul didn’t respond for a long moment. “I think we have our answer.” He slid out of the booth and waited for her. They’d paid earlier, so there was nothing to do but go out to the parking lot.
Ruth wasn’t finished with the conversation, even if Paul was. “I need time,” she told him.
“The decision’s made.”
“You’re pressuring me,” she protested. “I’ve still got two days, remember?”
“It doesn’t work that way,” he said.
“But this isn’t fair!”
“I already admitted it wasn’t.” He opened the passenger door, and a moment later, he joined her in the car. “I wish now I’d waited and we still had those two days,” he said bleakly. “But we don’t.”
He started the car and Ruth noticed that his fingers had tensed on the steering wheel.
Ruth bit her lip. “Sure we do. Let’s just pretend we didn’t have this conversation and enjoy the time we have left. You can do that, can’t you?” Her voice took on a pleading quality.
“I wish I could, but... I can’t.” He inhaled deeply. “The decision is made,” he said again.
They didn’t have much to say during the rest of the ride to the university district. When Paul pulled up in front of the rental house, Ruth noticed the lights were on, which meant Lynn was home.
They sat side by side in the car without speaking until Paul roused himself to open his door. He walked around to escort her from the passenger side, then accompanied her to the porch.
Ruth half expected him to kiss her. He didn’t.
“Will I see you again?” she asked as he began to leave.
He turned back and stood there, stiff and formal. “Probably not.”
“You mean this is it? This is goodbye...as if I meant nothing...as if we were strangers?” She felt outraged that he could abandon her like this, without a word. It was unkind and unfair...and life wasn’t that simple.
“Is there anything left to say?” he asked.
“Of course there is,” she cried. She didn’t know what, but surely there was something. Hurting and angry, Ruth gestured wildly with her arms. “You can’t be serious! Are you really going to walk away? Just like that?”
“Yes.” The word was devoid of emotion.
“You aren’t going to write me again?”
“No.”
This was unbelievable.
“Call me?”
“No.”
She glared at him. “In other words, you’re going to act as if you’d never even met me, as if I’d never mailed that Christmas card.”
A hint of a smile flickered over his tightly controlled features. “I’m certainly going to
