Still, I didn’t expect the notoriety that Sally and Loese were about to experience, or the social condemnation, would be fun.
The Goodlaw said, They are expected to be able to resume their roles in a standard month or so. If you still wish to serve with them, O’Mara is holding your berth open. I hope that you find this to be a positive outcome.
I was chewing a mouthful of broccoli, so I used that to buy time while I thought about my answer. I take it back: there are some advantages to a shared alimentary and respiratory orifice.
Some.
Did I still wish to serve with them?
I wanted to serve with Tsosie and Hhayazh and Rhym and Camphvis. I didn’t know how I felt about Loese and Sally anymore. But I had a month to make up my mind, I guessed.
When you don’t know the answer, try stacking up a different question. “What’s going to be done about the clone program?”
It was too soon, given time lags, to know how big a scandal it was going to be. But I had filed testimony with the Judiciary, and Cheeirilaq had filed testimony with the Judiciary. And once Judiciary knew about the secret transplant units, O’Mara and Starlight and others were no longer constrained to silence.
Pretty soon, the whole Synarche was going to know about our shame.
Pending. It is likely that the law will have to be changed. That will require public will. But outrage over the current situation will help with that. And there will be outrage over the current situation.
The question arises, will it be enough outrage?
“Dammit, Goodlaw—”
Cheeirilaq tidied its bolero jacket self-consciously. What can you do about ensuring the outcome you want?
That silenced me. I poked the back of my teeth with my tongue and thought about it.
What could I do about it?
It came to me suddenly, and it was so simple that at first I thought it was a cop-out. I could keep doing what I had been doing all along. I could do everything in my power to make the galaxy a better place. Even knowing there were no ideal solutions, no little chips of paradise to serve as ideal models. No answers that were the best answer for everyone.
I could keep telling this story, over and over again.
And that wasn’t a cop-out, because the cop-out would be doing the thing I actually kind of wanted to do instead: Give up. Go along. Shut up. Go back to what I had been doing, and tell myself that saving lives was a pretty decent reason for living all by itself.
Or even stop saving lives and go do something else.
I could resign in a huff and give up on reforming the community. That would be easier… because this community would never be what I wanted. Too many other people wanted it to be different things. It would always have to be a compromise between my ideals and theirs.
I could stomp off and find some other community… that would inevitably disappoint me.
That was appealing, I thought, because it wouldn’t require any personal growth or discomfort from me.
So that was a cop-out, too.
But staying here, staying with the program, and pushing it toward being better… that sounded like hell. Because it meant compromising with thousands of other beings, and none of us were ever going to get exactly what we wanted.
Well. But it was most definitely simple.
Simple, but not easy.
Actually, wasn’t that basically the model the Synarche was built on? The idea that no person or group of people had good solutions for everybody… but if you took everybody’s perspective into account, you wound up with something imperfect but steadily, incrementally better?
Aw, Well. I was going to have to be public about everything that was wrong with this place I loved. About the abuses of the medical system. About the unfairness of expecting AIs to work off an inception debt that they alone, of all sentients, had to pay.
Filing testimony wasn’t enough. I was going to have to make the call, and keep making it. I was going to have to speak out, and organize.
I wondered if Calliope and Helen would help me. I didn’t think I needed to give up my job to do it, though. Maybe I could do that for myself, and do all these other things for society, and make it all work. I didn’t have to make a martyr of myself to be effective. And I didn’t have to give up one important thing because something else was important, too.
Maybe there are still things to have faith in. Maybe you have to build them yourself, and defend them against the people who would corrupt them.
Maybe faith is a thing you decide to have, even knowing that it’s not safe. Even knowing you could lose it; you could be betrayed at any moment.
Maybe that’s what courage is.
Maybe love is a kind of faith, and I have—all this time—been doing love all wrong. Maybe I should look into fixing that. Doing better.
Trying again.
“I think I have some ideas of what I want to be, going forward,” I said to Cheeirilaq. “But first I’m going to talk with Rhym and Hhayazh and make sure they know that I’m coming back to them. Then I’m going to get a cup of real coffee. And then I’m going to take a month or two and travel home, and see if my daughter will talk to me. I think I have some apologizing of my own to do. And then I’m going to come back here”—I sighed—“and see if any of Carlos’s friends or family survive rewarming, and tell them that he was thinking of them until the end.”
You’re taking a lot of personal responsibility, Cheeirilaq said.
“That’s who I want to be,” I answered. “I hope we can stay in touch.”
I’d like that.
One more time, I found myself standing in the door.
AUTHOR’S NOTE
THIS IS MY
