I was chasing her ghost around my apartment.
That wasn’t me.
I didn't chase ghosts.
I sent them away.
And as I stood there and stared out the window, Amelia slipped out of my mind. In her place came a flood I swore I would hold back and never let loose.
Because sometimes the truth wasn’t what anyone actually wanted to hear.
Chapter 31
The One You Love
A REALLY LONG TIME AGO
(Josh)
I heard the wailing cry and I peeled my eyes open.
It was two-oh-three in the morning.
Now, during the summer or the weekend, this was about the time I was calling it quits after a long night of snacks, soda, video games, and watching adult shows.
But now…
Damn.
And it was totally fine for me to think that word too. And say it.
Gram wasn’t a fan of it. She didn't like those words coming from my mouth, but she knew I said them. So, we had a silent agreement. When she wasn’t around, I could say whatever I wanted. But around her… damn became darn. Shit became shoot. Fuck became fudge. But I hated saying fudge. It was babyish. So I skipped that word all together until she was gone.
The screaming and crying weren’t letting up.
I threw the covers off my body and climbed out of bed.
Never thought I would be thirteen and raising a baby.
That thought went through my head way too many times.
Girls at school thought it was kind of cool though. They thought Delaney was cute and that made me cute. They loved to hear me tell stories about Delaney. They loved when I brought in one of Delaney’s old pacifiers or little toys. I wasn't sure why they liked it so much, but when I talked about Delaney they would giggle, touch my arm, and get closer to me. Some of the girls smelled really good. Some of the girls were going through some serious changes with their bodies. And the way it made me feel…
I hurried down the hallway and opened the door to the nursery Gram threw together in record time. There was nothing like your father showing up after being gone for a few years with a baby in his arms. Or the way that he handed me the baby like he had bought it at a store for me as a gift.
I let my guard down though with him. Something I swore I would never do.
“Hey, baby girl,” I said. “I’m right here.”
Delaney let out a howling cry as she stood there. She reached for me and opened and closed her hands, wanting me to pick her up. She wanted a bottle. That’s what this was. It was so strange to me that I had all her cries memorized and knew what she wanted and needed.
I picked her up and she clung to my shirt as though she didn't think I was coming to get her.
“You're okay, baby girl,” I whispered. “You're okay. I'm here now. I’m going to take care of you.”
I gently bounced her as I slithered toward the door.
I still hadn’t mastered how to make a bottle with one hand, but I was getting there. I had to be careful though because any wasted formula was a big deal. That stuff was not cheap.
“Josh, what are you doing?” Gram’s voice echoed in the hallway.
I heard the sound of her shaking a bottle.
“I’ve got it," I said. “Go back to sleep.”
“You’re a kid. You need sleep.”
“Gram, please,” I said. “I’ll feed her and she’ll crash. You know that.”
“You can’t fall behind in school.”
“I’m fine," I said.
Whether Delaney was here or not, I wasn't going to be doing well in school. It just wasn’t my thing, and nothing was going to change that.
“Oh, sweet little angel,” Gram said to Delaney.
She stroked Delaney’s cheek.
I would never admit it in front of my friends, but Gram's touch could cure anything. She was always so soothing. But she knew how to be tough when the time came.
“Go back to sleep,” I said. “You had her earlier. It’s my turn.”
“This isn't your responsibility, Josh,” Gram said.
“I know that,” I said. “But I love her. I want her to feel safe.”
Gram sighed. “Please get some sleep too. I’ll get her when she wakes again.”
“Deal.”
Delaney started to fuss again as Gram walked away.
I sat down in the old rocking chair in her room and gave her the bottle. She quickly put her hands to it and chugged. She was definitely related to me the way she ate. She could chug a bottle in no time. Then burp. Pass out. And wake up exactly three hours later looking for more.
I mean, face it, Delaney was a big pain in the neck.
But she was my sister.
My only sister.
The nightlight in the room was just enough to make out all of her perfect little features.
I wanted to ask the obvious question… why did he leave her?
But he left me too.
Many times.
I hoped for Delaney’s sake, he had left and would stay that way. There was nothing worse than him coming and going. Messing with my head and my heart. I didn't want that same thing for Delaney. Yeah, it would hurt to not have a father in her life, but she’d always have me. And with me she would get something even cooler. A big brother. A protector. I would kick anyone’s ass who hurt her.
Delaney’s eyes started to shut as she sucked on the empty bottle. I would never forget that squishy air sound as she kept sucking. This was her routine. It took all of ten seconds for her eyes to shut. I pulled the bottle away and her little lips kept trying to suck at the bottle.
I stood up and rocked her for a few minutes.
Once I knew she was down for the count, I put her back into her crib.
Luckily, she stayed asleep.
Sometimes she would stay awake and cry, then I’d end up having to keep holding her. Or I’d fall asleep in the rocking chair with her
