"These are definitely not flowers," I said as I set it in my lap.
He jerked his chin. "Open it."
I gave him a curious look, which made him roll his eyes. I laughed under my breath and found the seam in the green, crinkly paper. When I peeled it back, I burst out laughing, because it was a bouquet made entirely of Twizzlers. They were beautiful and bright red, tied together in the middle with a perfectly tied white bow covered in blood red hearts.
First flours. Now my favorite candy.
How was I looking at him? I wondered as I stared into his face from across the bench of his truck. Only a man who truly knew me would give me the things he'd given me. No other first date would ever be able to do exactly the right thing to make me smile or set me at ease.
For a second, I had the most irrational feeling of sadness.
It was so unexpected that I felt myself tear up as I slowly pulled one of the individually wrapped stems from the middle of the bouquet. Levi was watching me quietly, but I knew he wouldn't be able to see the moisture in my eyes because of the angle of my head. I blinked furiously before handing him one.
"Pre-dinner treat?" he asked.
"Why not?" My voice sounded normal, not like I was one sweet gesture away from bursting into ugly, messy, didn't make any sense tears. Good frickin' thing I was doing this with him first because if it was someone I didn't trust, someone I didn't really know, I'd scare them off for sure if I started sobbing five minutes into a first date.
He took a bite while I pulled one out for myself.
Instead of eating it, though, I stared at him chewing.
"These are terrible," he said around the candy. "So much excellent candy in this world, and this is the one you choose."
"I don't judge you for liking candy hearts. Talk about a waste of sugar," I replied. He shook his head, and when he turned the key in the ignition, the truck started up with a roar.
"They're iconic."
"I'll remember that when one of them snaps your molar in half."
My hand gripped the edge of the seat as that unsteady feeling came back to me even though we hadn't started moving.
A simple conversation about candy had me reeling, and I felt crazy because of it.
Every single time Levi ate Twizzlers, he told me they were terrible. But he still always stocked them for me, simply because he knew I loved them.
When he knew I was going to get my period, he bought two bags.
When I was going in for a big doctor's appointment, he brought one over to me.
Because he was my best friend.
My best friend, who was taking me out for an expensive steak dinner where crisp white tablecloths covered the tables and the silverware was shiny and expensive. Each table would definitely have candles, providing soft and romantic lighting in the restaurant. I'd sit on one side, staring over at the man who knew what kind of tampons I used, how much I hated peas, and how avocados make me sick to my stomach because I'd puked one up in his bathroom after he made guacamole.
Twice, he'd told me I looked beautiful, and he'd shaved his handsome face, put on a nice shirt, and picked me up so that I wouldn't feel like the pathetic girl who'd never been on a first date.
That unsteady feeling was in my head because I couldn't reconcile these two versions of the man I knew so well.
It was like I was trying to combine a color picture with one in black and white, but it was supposed to be one seamless shot.
In the pool, I stared at his chest and wanted to bite it.
At his place, he made me watch the same movies over and over because he knew I was too lazy to pick something else.
When we got to the restaurant, I knew he'd pulled the truck into a parking spot toward the back of the lot because he knew I hated using the handicap spot when I was out with him.
And because I was a terrible, thoughtless person—who didn't know how to deal with big scary emotions like the ones threatening to make my eyeballs leak all over and who didn't know how to package them neatly and label them in a way that my brain and heart could filter them better—the words spilled out before I could even process what I was saying.
"So if this is my first real date, am I supposed to pretend you're someone else?"
I never would have said it, thought it, or even contemplated it if I'd been with anyone other than Levi. And when he froze, when he puffed out air like I'd just punched him in the stomach, I knew with unerring certainty how badly I'd just screwed up.
Chapter 16 Levi
There was no hiding my reaction to her words, just like she couldn't stop the horrified widening of her eyes or the way she covered her mouth as soon as she saw me.
"I-I didn't mean it like that," she said on a rush.
There weren't words for how I felt. For how she'd just made me feel. I swiped a hand over my mouth and breathed in and out through my nose.
Because I knew her, rationally I could understand there was no ill intention behind what she'd said. No malice. But intention only went so far when the person you loved said something that made it feel like they took a baseball bat to your lungs. Then ran you over with a car for good measure.
My first instinct was to make her feel better by laughing it off. My second instinct, stronger and darker, was to get in her face until she
