Alec continued his relentless violation, and despite every thrust piercing my skin like a knife, I began to detach, going somewhere far away. My own voice, now more like a shattered whisper, sounded miles away. My “no” was stripped of emotion, reduced to a meaningless word. I stared at the sterile white ceiling, seeing nothing.
Alec panted harder, plunging faster into my wounded shell. An urgent guttural groan escaped his lips as he collapsed on top of me. He finally rolled off, and I whimpered, experiencing a fresh burning assault from below.
He threw me a towel as he stood, ordering me to clean myself up and get dressed.
I scrambled upright, despite the blistering pain between my legs. My blood smeared his aqua sheets and the towel as I wiped myself. My mind raced. What should I do. . .run? Call for help? This seemed like a lot of blood. Was this normal? Where was I?
I had no way home but Alec, an agonizing realization.
My body screamed with a raw throbbing. How could he do this to me? Why, God, why? I found my discarded clothes and gingerly put them back on, tears dripping on his carpet as my mind continued to whirl.
Standing shakily, I waited. I simply didn’t know what else to do and feared what additional torment he could inflict. I would do whatever it took to find my way home safely. Shutting my eyes, I silently prayed he wouldn’t hurt me further. Please, God, just let me get home.
Alec drove, chatting away as if nothing significant had just occurred. I couldn’t speak.
Finally, my house came into view. I exited the car and hastily collected my packages. Alec said how much he had enjoyed our time together and would be in touch. A wan smile hid my disgust. I shut the door and dragged myself inside.
My mother called out from the kitchen, her voice as merry as the upcoming holiday. I stopped in the hallway, hiding. How was I going to speak to her? What now? I should run to her, cling to her and tell her Alec had raped me, but I couldn’t. Shame and humiliation filled every cell of my being. I had never felt so alone.
“Hi, Mom,” I said, forcing a fake normalcy into my voice.
“How was the shopping?”
“Good.”
“Katy called while you were out.”
“Okay. I’ll go give her a call.” Thank God I had an excuse to steer clear. I couldn’t let my mom see me like this.
I dropped the parcels in my room and went straight to the bathroom. I turned on the shower as searing hot as I could tolerate and climbed in, almost scalding myself. My tears mixed with the soap that cascaded off my body as I scrubbed it head to toe. The sting subsided but a dull pain acted as a pulsing reminder of what I had lost. What a misstatement. Nothing was “lost”—it had been brutally taken.
I put on a comfortable pair of sweatpants and a soft cotton shirt and crawled inside my heated waterbed. I let out a big breath then called Katy, not that I had a clue what to say to her either.
“Where have you been all day?”
“Christmas shopping.” I answered with the same false enthusiasm my mom received.
“Did you get me something?” She laughed.
“Of course. Also…I ran into Alec.”
“What? Tell me everything!”
“He asked me to help him shop for gifts. We did for a while. Then he took me back to his house.”
“Unbelievable! What happened?”
I paused. “I lost my virginity.”
If I was gonna lie, I would do it up hella big. No one would ever learn the truth—I would make sure of that. Burying my shame, anger and sadness so deep it would never see the light of day again presented as my only play. I had no clue what else to do with it.
13
Limbo
I cycled through the motions of everyday life—getting dressed, attending school, laughing with friends, completing homework, eating dinner with my family, and drifting into restless nights—but nothing felt normal. I wanted it to, but the world that had once blazed with brilliant color now appeared dull and gray. A new version of myself emerged, an impostor, a zombie with good hair and cute clothes.
My fears about dodging Alec never came to fruition. Not only didn’t he pursue me, he began dating the mean blonde girl I remembered from the Homecoming Dance. Not that it stopped the tidal wave of anxiety and terror that washed through me every time our paths crossed.
I could tell Katy and Michelle pitied me, thinking I had been used and dumped like last week’s garbage. They weren’t wrong, really. With tamped-down enthusiasm, they tried to interest me in dating again. Although I’m sure they meant well, they didn’t understand. Even I didn’t understand.
I pushed my feelings away when they surfaced—but stayed numb a lot of the time by cranking up music (rock ’n roll only), getting lost in a book (avoiding love stories while embracing horror and suspense novels), writing in my journal (my saving grace) or occupying myself with a task (but no mindless tasks, please!). My room became a sanctuary, a place of safety and comfort. I hated leaving it.
“Want to spend the night?” Michelle said through the phone.
“I don’t think so. My mom needs me to help her with some stuff.”
“I already asked her and she said yes. In fact, she thought it would do you good.”
Damn.
“Look, I realize the whole Alec thing has been hard for you, but you can’t let one guy ruin your life. Forget about him and what a jerk he is.”
“I’m trying.” My chest heaved involuntarily and I fought back tears.
“No, you’re not. You’re not
