Then I walked into my house and did the next worst thing: nothing. I hid from my mother instead of screaming the truth about being raped. I took a scalding hot shower, removing evidence, not that I even thought about calling the police or pressing charges. I just wanted to feel clean and whole again. I reacted instead of thinking anything through. I wanted to just get through it. And yet I had no idea how.
Like Anna, I lied to my friends, claiming I’d “finally” lost my virginity. In lying to everyone else, I greatly harmed myself, insult to injury after one of the worst betrayals of my life.
The damage was immediate and lasting, yet I wouldn’t know how for years to come. It would take willingness and therapy to heal, but after fifteen years, I summoned the courage to have the critical conversation with my mother where I told her about the rape. Although I knew it would hurt her, I could only continue healing by telling her the truth about that day. Thankfully, my mother responded by holding me in her arms, something she might have done that bleak afternoon so long ago before whisking me off to the police.
I learned a couple of things. The first is that regardless of my actions, my clothes, or my feelings for a man, there is never—and I mean never—a “reason” to be raped. I am not responsible in any way if someone rapes me. I didn’t bring it on. I didn’t “deserve” it. And this goes for everyone. Rape is not our fault. Ever.
Love, Sex and Abortion
In high school, I experienced my first true love. We dated a short time in our sophomore year, and became close friends after we broked up. By the time we began our junior year, we were back to being an official couple. We fell in love with each other naturally and with ease. Back then, I thought he might even be “the one” and that we might someday marry, much the way Anna daydreams about becoming the next Mrs. O’Reilly. It felt wonderful to love and be loved.
After falling in love, my boyfriend and I made the decision to have sex. I did not make it lightly and not because I had been raped. I didn’t want to “sleep around,” (and many other girls were doing that, including some of my close friends) but I intuitively understood making love with someone was special. My only regret? Like Anna, I could not give this boy I loved my virginity, which was meant for him and him alone.
I was terrified of getting pregnant, and birth control was readily available at no cost to teens back then, so it was a no-brainer. My boyfriend and I discussed options, decided how we would protect ourselves, and put it in place before we started down that road.
I know birth control is still easily accessible for those who choose to have intercourse but perhaps have no way of getting it—especially now that protection is about so much more than birth control. There is nothing wrong with abstaining, either. To have, or not have, sex is a personal preference and requires thoughtful consideration by those involved.
I never regretted our decision. We were two consenting, loving partners, and we learned so much together. It was very special.
I personally don’t recommend engaging in it without the love component. There are boys who will use girls purely for sexual reasons, and this has been going on for centuries. I had friends who continually engaged in sexual encounters hoping it would make boys like them more. It didn’t, and they felt doubly bad for not only being unwanted, but getting used in the process. In the teen years, rampant hormones can muddy the waters, especially for guys who are fueled by theirs. Women are typically fueled by emotions—our hormones complicate our feelings and behavior, but they don’t rule them! About these young years, I often say women are looking for mates while men are looking to mate. And that combination can end in heartache time and time again.
A number of my friends engaged in unprotected sex and were faced with the terrible dilemma of an unwanted pregnancy. I know some people talk about abortion as a choice (and call themselves “pro-choice”), but believe me, my friends never felt they had a choice. They believed abortion was their only option. Having a child at that age seemed like a doomsday prophecy, a life-wrecker, not to mention how would they finish school, go to college or even tell their parents? How could they possibly care for a baby?
Remember when I said engaging in sex required thoughtful consideration? This is another reason why. It dismayed me that anyone engaged in unprotected intercourse, although I could list a lot of their reasons here, and they would all be somewhat understandable. Despite the consequences, my friends got pregnant over and over, which just proves how tenuous those teen years are in terms of maturity and emotion.
I avoided pregnancy, but I accompanied close friends to clinics and hospitals who felt forced to abort their babies. It was always a gut-wrenching, horrible experience. I didn’t fully comprehend nor understand the seriousness at that age, and I’m certain they didn’t either. As we matured, some of these women confided in me they never felt the full impact of their youthful angst-filled decisions to abort until they married and had kids. They mourn the loss of those young souls
