She seemed a million miles away, and when she looked up at me, it was like she was just realizing I was still there.
“Hm?” Her brows furrowed. “No, I can’t talk about last night right now, Nick. Not with everything going on.”
“It’s about everything going on.”
Her eyes widened. “What are you talking about?”
“That,” I said, pointing to her hands, where she’d gathered them in her lap, nervously picking at the skin around her nails. “You only do that when you’re stressed about something.”
“Of course I’m stressed,” she scoffed. “For so many reasons. I feel terrible about what we did. Wracked with guilt. And on top of that, one of our friends just died, Nick. Where have you been?”
“I know that. Don’t you think I feel terrible, too?”
“I have no idea how you feel.” She chewed her bottom lip, and I was sure it was going to start bleeding soon if she didn’t stop.
“Laura, look at me,” I begged, reaching forward and touching her chin. She jerked back as if my skin was scalding hot. “Please don’t shut me out. I’m here for you.”
“I don’t need you to be here for me. We made a huge mistake—monumental. Everything is ruined, and it’s all my fault. I can’t even blame you. I did this.” She put her face in her hands.
“It’s not your fault.” I lowered my voice. “I could’ve stopped it just as well as you could’ve. We didn’t. So now we have to deal with it.”
“Jesus Christ, Nick. Do you not think there are more important things right now? Emily is dead!” she shrieked. Patches of pink were beginning to emerge on her pale skin. “I can’t do this right now.”
“I’m not trying to make you do anything. I just wanted to check on you. We’re all dealing with a lot. I wanted to be sure you’re okay. I’m worried about you.”
“How could I possibly be fine?” She closed her eyes, shaking her head. “There’s so much going on… Everything’s just piling up, and— How could I be fine? Are you fine?”
I let out a huff of breath in frustration. “You know that’s not what I meant. I just…you can talk to me, you know? I’m here for you.”
“I need to go check on Andy,” she said, pushing her chair back from the table. I reached for her hand on instinct, and she stared down to where I’d touched her. I wondered if she felt the same pulse of electricity I had.
“You can’t touch me like that, Nick. Not now.” She put one protective hand over the place my palm had been just a moment before.
“I’m sorry,” I apologized. “If you want me to forget last night ever happened…” I couldn’t make myself finish the sentence. It wasn’t possible. It meant too much to me. Why didn’t it seem to mean as much to her?
“Emily just died,” she cried, tears welling in her eyes. “I can only deal with one tragedy at a time. The disaster I’ve made of my life—of our lives—will just have to wait.” At that, more tears began to fall down her cheeks, and she broke out in sobs, her shoulders shaking. She fell into my arms without warning, and I held her steady.
“Shhh,” I whispered, rocking her back and forth. “I’m sorry. I didn’t realize you were taking it so hard. I thought… I mean, because of what you said last night… Well, I didn’t think you really liked her.” I shouldn’t have said it. As soon as the words left my mouth, I groaned internally. It was the worst possible thing to say. She tensed in my arms.
“What are you saying?”
“Nothing, I just…I know you care about Andy, and of course it’s tragic, but Emily herself, well, she wasn’t really our friend, was she? You told me just last night you thought she was dangerous.” Why was I still talking? I couldn’t end the rambling.
Her eyes were wide with unexpected rage when she pulled away from me. “Do you think I don’t know that? Do you think I don’t remember all the horrible things I said about her last night? Andy cared about her, whether I liked her or not, and whether I trusted her or not. And she’s dead now, so what’s your point?” She shook her head, still half out of it. The purple bags under her eyes said she hadn’t slept either. “That I’m a horrible person? That I’m a monster? That I can never take it back?”
I shook my head. I didn’t dare touch her, despite the fact that my fingers were moving her way instinctually. “No, God no. Laura, of course not. You aren’t a monster. I could never think that about you. My point is…” Suddenly, a strange thought hit me. Took the breath straight from my lungs. It was impossible. Ridiculous. I shook my head, arguing with myself internally.
But why was she so upset?
More upset than what seemed warranted.
We hadn’t really known Emily. And it wasn’t as if they were close. “What, Nick?” she asked, studying me. I couldn’t make myself say the words. They were awful. Terrible. I felt sick at the weight of them on my tongue.
“What, Nick?” she asked again when I’d been silent too long.
“You walked home alone after…after what we did.”
Her face grew stony. “So?”
“Did something happen?” I asked hesitantly. “I mean, did you see something? Did you maybe run into Emily? Did she try to hurt you?”
Her jaw dropped, and she glanced behind us. “Are you serious?” she demanded. “Are you really suggesting that I…” She trailed off, a hand on her chest. “Nick, you know I’d never do anything to hurt her.”
“I know that,” I said, my heart thudding in my chest. “But I know how upset you were
