“Yes, I think so,” I said, looking around the room. I’d been in an odd state of confusion, denial, and grief, bouncing back and forth between the emotions nearly to the minute. I’d been crying non-stop, then feeling angry and confused. Now, I was just trying to focus on getting off the island. I would deal with everything else as it came. I just wanted to get home to the daughters that I could still hold. We’d packed Brad’s and my stuff into their respective suitcases and moved everything near the door. Since Megan and I had returned, it had become an unspoken rule that neither of us were to be left alone. I think they were worried we’d disappear again.
“Oh, don’t forget Brad’s phone charger,” Megan said, pulling it from the wall on his side of the bed. As she handed it to me, I started to cry again. Why had he done this? Why had he ruined everything? So much could’ve been fixed, but not this.
Natasha hugged me without asking what was wrong. She always just seemed to understand. Sliding the charger from my hand, she put it in our luggage and turned back to face me. “Okay, I’m going to go over and help Jaren, Nick, and Andy, then,” Natasha said. “Do you want to come with me? Get out of here for a bit? Manu said if we just set our bags outside the huts, the stewards will load them for us.”
“Actually, I’m just going to stay here for a while, if that’s okay?” I said, running my fingers across the edge of the freshly made bed. I just needed a minute to process all that had happened, and I couldn’t do that with Natasha and Nick breathing down my neck. They had good intentions, I knew, but the bottom line was that I’d be dealing with most of this alone. I needed to start that now. I wanted to say goodbye to Emily. To the life I’d led before I came to the island. Leaving here was like leaving my old life behind, the last memories I’d have of my daughter. The last memories I’d have of my marriage.
“Oh, okay,” Natasha said hesitantly. “Well, that’s fine. I’m sure the men are capable of packing their bags. We can just hang out here.” Her smile was forced but sincere all at once. She would do whatever I needed her to, and that meant so much to me.
She brushed away my tears, hugging me again. “You sure you’re okay? What can I do?”
“I’m fine,” I lied, sniffling as I hugged her again. “I will be.”
“Natasha?” I heard Jaren call from Andy’s hut.
“I can wait with her, if you want to go check on them,” Megan offered.
“Don’t you want to go check on Nick?” Natasha looked at her, then me, trying to decide what to do.
“He ran back up to the relaxation center to grab some of our dry cleaning,” she said. “He’ll know where to find me when he’s done.”
Natasha still looked hesitant, despite the assurances.
“I’ll be fine here, I swear,” I said with a small smile. “You go check on them. I won’t disappear again.”
She started to cross the room, but in one swift motion turned back to me, her arms going around my neck as she nuzzled her face into my hair. “You’d better not.” She squeezed me tightly for good measure and pulled away, her arms stiff as she held my shoulders. “I’ll be back in, like, half an hour. Don’t go anywhere.”
I nodded. “I’ll be here. Swear.”
When she left, Megan glanced at me from where she sat near the window. “It feels weird, doesn’t it? Being back when we never really left.”
She was right. It felt like we’d returned from something catastrophic, when, in reality, the devastation was happening here, without us. We’d been the safe ones. “It does.”
“What will you do?” she asked quietly, not looking at me.
“About Brad?”
She nodded, but I had no answer. I had no idea what to do. About any of it. I was struggling to deal with the loss of my daughter, the devastating realization that I’d never really known her, and now I’d never have the chance. The guilt of what I’d said to her, of pushing her away when she’d told me who she was, ate away at me. If I’d behaved differently, perhaps she’d still be here. If I’d come clean right away, maybe I could’ve saved her life. Saved Brad’s life, too.
I wasn’t sure how I’d ever live with that simple truth. And the only person I truly wanted to talk to about it had given Megan the ring on her finger. He wasn’t mine to discuss things with anymore. He’d chosen Megan. He loved her.
And I was alone.
All those years ago, I’d chosen wrong, and now I’d have to live with those consequences. I pulled at the covers, adjusting them though they couldn’t get much straighter. I just wanted to keep my hands busy.
“I don’t know,” I whispered, after a moment. “I guess I just really want to talk to him. To…to understand. I wish things could’ve happened differently so I could’ve talked to him first.” I couldn’t decide who to be more upset about—Emily or Brad. Though Brad had done unspeakable things, I couldn’t deny the love I still felt for him. The guilt at the pain I’d caused him. Maybe things would’ve been different if he would’ve told me what he’d done. Maybe I would’ve protected him. I could’ve convinced Andy if I’d tried. He would’ve listened. But it didn’t feel right. Emily deserved justice. Her death was a tragedy. She’d been stolen from me. Her future had been stolen from her.
Andy deserved justice for what happened.
I was so torn, but at the end of the day, I felt loyal to him. To his loss. His pain. That was the deciding factor. We were both
