I couldn’t say that I blamed him.
Still to this day, I wondered…did I really believe it? Or was it convenient for me? Was it easier for me to hope he had done such an awful thing than to consider coming clean, disrupting my life, and admitting what I never had to anyone, myself included? That I was, and always had been, in love with Nick.
Megan had been wrong about so much, but she’d pointed out something so crucial. I had let my selfishness hurt the people I cared about. The secrets I’d asked Natasha to keep, the pain I’d caused my husband, the rift in our relationship that had hurt my daughters, the pain of abandonment I’d caused Emily when she’d come to me looking for acceptance. For love. I’d been a selfish person, as we all are from time to time, but my selfishness came at the expense of so much. It was a flaw I was now completely aware of.
One I was working to change.
One I would change.
Brad was keeping the girls for the week while the three of us had flown down to Florida to say goodbye. The ocean made us feel closer to Emily.
To my daughter.
As her only living relatives, Nick and I were able to claim her ashes and, though we didn’t know her that well, I had to believe she’d want her final resting place to be at sea. Her life had been spent traveling, her love had been soaking up the world. Andy said she’d always wanted to retire somewhere warm.
We stopped at the water’s edge of our private beach access, all dressed in black. Against the bright and sunny backdrop, I’d guess we looked out of place. Something told me none of us would ever see the ocean as a happy place again.
I twisted the lid off the urn, pausing. I would’ve given anything to go back. To make a different decision. Any different decision along the path of horrible decisions I’d made. But I couldn’t. I could only go forward. Only make better choices from there. I turned the urn over, watching as some of the ashes began to fall away, dancing on the wind and carrying her out to sea. “Goodbye, Emily.”
I stopped, passing the urn to Nick, who did the same. “Goodbye,” he whispered before passing it to Andy.
Andy wore dark sunglasses to hide the tears that had been falling. He held on to the urn tightly, unable to turn it over as he continued to cry. We stood in silence. I would’ve stood there for a week if that was what it took. Andy had to be the final one to say goodbye, Nick and I had agreed on that.
After a while, he scooped his hand in the urn, pulling out the last handful and holding his fist in the air. I watched the last of her ashes blow into the air and then out over the vast blue.
“She would’ve liked this,” Andy said, sniffling. “All of this.”
“Yeah, she would’ve. She would’ve been glad you could come.”
Nick nodded, patting him on the back gently.
When we got home and every bit of truth had come out, Andy asked me if Emily really cared about him or if she’d been using him. I’d told him how much she cared about him. How much she hoped Nick and I would be okay with their relationship continuing. It brought him peace I could never give him in any other way and, because of that, it was the one secret I was content to keep the rest of my life. But as for the others, I was done. Over the past week, I’d revealed every secret I’d kept from anyone.
I told Brad the truth about everything. Told the girls about their sister. Told Nick that I loved him. That I was in love with him.
I had no idea what the future held. I was taking it a day at a time, but what I did know was that it would be filled with honesty.
Selflessness.
Friendships.
Appreciation.
I would take my life one beautiful day, one amazing second, at a time.
I would breathe each breath like it was my last. As we turned to walk away, Nick wrapped an arm around my waist, pulling me close.
When I’d told him I loved him, he’d said it back. Without a moment’s hesitation. As if he’d been waiting to say it his whole life. That was when I knew Megan had been right about Nick’s feelings, too.
With him by my side, I felt peace like I’d never known. It wouldn’t be perfect. We hadn’t even defined what it was yet. I was still married. We still had so much to figure out, but the one thing I knew—the one thing we’d agreed on was this: we would take each day as it came, each breath as we were given.
Unlike our daughter, we could still breathe. We could still feel pain and loss and love.
We’d been lucky in that way. Lucky enough to suffer. Lucky enough to live.
And, no matter what life threw at us, we’d never take it for granted again.
Chapter Forty-Six
TELL US ABOUT YOUR EXPERIENCE:
ISLA DEL AMOR changed our lives last summer. It gave us perspective where we desperately needed it. The owner, Manu, took amazing care of us, going above and beyond despite a few troublesome situations during our stay. We’d especially like to thank him for naming the spa after our late daughter, in her loving memory. When you go, be sure to visit Emily’s Isle, and know you’ll be taken great care of. We were. Thank you for everything, Manu.
-Nick and Laura London, ISLA DEL AMOR guests
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