“I would leave it alone if I thought it really was in the past for you. Instead, I’m almost certain it’s one of the reasons you’re leaving.”
Leave it to him and his three bachelors, two masters, and Ph.D. to figure it out. As if it were rocket science and not a normal human reaction.
“I’ve talked about getting out for a long time,” I said, which was the truth.
“You talked about it like everyone talks about retirement. Some far away thing you might be working toward, but you weren’t quite ready to make happen.”
Below the alcohol that had loosened every part of me, my body started to tighten back up. Seeing Russell often did it to me. Letting him speak while avoiding the huge sinkhole behind us always did it to me.
“I don’t want to talk about it,” I said, the warning obvious.
“Isn’t that the problem?”
That pissed me off. My restraint I’d once been known for was failing me for the second time that evening. I shoved my empty glass in his direction. “You do not get to say that. Ever. Do you understand me?”
Surprise slithered across his face. Russell never saw me like this. Unhinged. Unbalanced. Ruffled. No one did. It wasn’t me.
“Just say it,” he demanded. “It’s my fault.”
“Stop!”
“No. Not until I’ve said the things you haven’t let me say for a year.”
“Closure. You’re looking for closure? Now?” I laughed, and it wasn’t a nice laugh. It was harsh. Cold. Bitter.
He tugged his ear. A nervous tell I’d picked up on years ago. A tell which allowed me to beat him every time we played poker together at my family’s gatherings.
“Dani, I made a choice that night. I chose to go see my ex instead of showing up at the hotel. I left you alone. If I hadn’t―”
I was out of the chair and heading in the direction of the bathrooms before I had to hear another word. The real reason my appetite had disappeared was clear. He was back with his ex. Mac met me coming the other way, and his eyes narrowed when he caught sight of Russell at the table I’d just vacated.
“He upset you.” He said it like it was a fact more than a question.
“No!” Yes.
“I’ll get rid of him,” Mac said.
“Don’t. Play nice. I’ll be back in a minute.” I didn’t need him to get rid of Russell for me. It didn’t matter anymore. It was highly unlikely I’d ever see him again after today. Not if I had any say in the matter. Which I did.
In the bathroom stall, I sat on the closed lid and just breathed, in and out, trying to force thoughts of another bathroom from my head. Forcing thoughts of how I’d waited for Mac in a stall much like this one.
The door swung open, and then I saw Georgie’s gold sandals, which I’d all but forced her to buy, stop in front of the stall I was in.
“Dani?”
I flushed the toilet I hadn’t used, stood up, turned the lock, and exited. She was waiting on the other side of the door. On days when Georgie wore her blue-colored contact lenses, we could be sisters by more than marriage. Our height and build and coloring were so similar. Except, the slight cleft in my chin defined mine in a way her smooth slender one did not. I went to the sink and turned on the water, focusing on washing my hands and the sensations of the soap and water on my skin. The things that were real.
I looked up in the mirror, almost expecting to see what I’d seen last year. Expecting to see black-ringed eyes, a torn dress, and a ponytail slightly askew. Instead, my makeup looked as expertly applied as it had that morning, my silk top was perfect, and my high bun was tight with not a strand out of place.
“Mac sent Russell away,” Georgie said, her tone musical and light. Beautiful, just like the rest of her.
“I told him not to,” I said, grabbing a handful of paper towels before turning to face her for real instead of in a reflection.
“Are you okay?” she asked.
“Sometimes, I hate that question,” I told her honestly, and she nodded. She understood. She’d been through enough ordeals in her own life to get what I meant. “I’m ready to put D.C. behind me.”
“The change of venue won’t make it go away,” she said.
“I’m not running from it, Georgie,” I told her, but her eyes said she didn’t entirely believe me.
I tucked my arm through hers.
“Let’s get some food to soak up this alcohol with,” I told her.
She nodded, and we left the restroom together. My future may be up in the air, but there were three things I was certain about: I was done with socializing, I was done with my memories, and I was absolutely done with Washington D.C.
Nash
WARRIORS
“In youth you'd lay,
Awake at night and scheme,
Of all the things that you would change.
But it was just a dream!”
Performed by Imagine Dragons
Written by Grant / Reynolds / Mosser / Mckee / Platzman / Sermon
I was covered in sand. I’d be finding it in parts of me for days, but that wasn’t what had me stewing in a bottomless pit of anger. I stalked into the locker room behind Dainty. I was barely holding my shit together while I watched his bald head dance to the music he had blaring through his headset loud enough I could hear the beat. I wanted to yank the earbuds out and crush them below my boots. The only thing holding me back was the knowledge that this could be my last chance to get back on a team, and I couldn’t afford to lose it.
I was tired of training undergrads at the Naval Academy. I needed to be back out in the field. I needed to fire my gun at some asshats who continued to wage combat on democracy in the
