They hugged again in what they thought would be among their last fully clothed embraces.
How can Breavman have regrets? It was Nature herself who intervened.
Three days before Thursday, maid’s day off, they met in their special place, the bench beside the pond in the park. Lisa was shy but determined to be straight and honest, as was her nature.
“I can’t do it with you.”
“Aren’t your parents going away?”
“It’s not that. Last night I got the Curse.”
She touched his hand with pride.
“Oh.”
“Know what I mean?”
“Sure.”
He hadn’t the remotest idea.
“But it would still be O.K., wouldn’t it?”
“But now I can have babies. Mummy told me about everything last night. She had it all ready for me, too, napkins, a belt of my own, everything.”
“No guff?”
What was she talking about? The Curse sounded like a celestial intrusion on his pleasure.
“She told me about all the stuff, just like the camera.”
“Did you tell her about the camera?”
Nothing, the world, nobody could be trusted.
“She promised not to tell anyone.”
“It was a secret.”
“Don’t be sad. We had a long talk. I told her about us, too. You see, I’ve got to act like a lady now. Girls have to act older than boys.”
“Who’s sad?”
She leaned back in the bench and took his hand.
“But aren’t you happy for me?” she laughed, “that I got the Curse? I have it right now!”
18
Soon she was deep in the rites of young womanhood. She came back from camp half a head taller than Breavman, with breasts that disturbed even bulky sweaters.
“Hiya, Lisa.”
“Hello, Lawrence.”
She was meeting her mother downtown, she was flying to New York for clothes. She was dressed with that kind of austerity which can make any thirteen-year-old a poignant beauty. None of the uglifying extravagance to which Westmount Jews and Gentiles are currently devoted.
Good-bye.
He watched her grow away from him, not with sadness but with wonder. At fifteen she was a grand lady who wore traces of lipstick and was allowed an occasional cigarette.
He sat in their old window and saw the older boys call for her in their fathers’ cars. He marvelled that he had ever kissed the mouth that now mastered cigarettes. Seeing her ushered into these long cars by young men with white scarves, seeing her sitting like a duchess in a carriage while they closed the door and walked briskly in front of the machine and climbed importantly into the driver’s seat, he had to convince himself that he had ever had a part in that beauty and grace.
Hey, you forgot one of your little fragrances on my thumb.
19
Fur gloves in the sun-room.
Certain years the sun-room, which was no more than an enclosed balcony attached to the back of the house, was used to store some of the winter clothes.
Breavman, Krantz and Philip came into this room for no particular reason. They looked out of the windows at the park and the tennis players.
There was the regular sound of balls hit back and forth and the hysterical sound of a house fly battering a window pane.
Breavman’s father was dead, Krantz’s was away most of the time, but Philip’s was strict. He did not let Philip wear his hair with a big pompadour in front. He had to slick it down to his scalp with some nineteenth-century hair tonic.
That historic afternoon Philip looked around and what did he spy but a pair of fur gloves.
He pulled on one of them, sat himself down on a pile of blankets.
Breavman and Krantz, who were perceptive children, understood that the fur glove was not an integral part of the practice.
They all agreed it smelt like Javel water. Philip washed it down the sink.
“Catholics think it’s a sin,” he instructed.
20
Breavman and Shell were beside the lake. The evening mist was piling up along the opposite shore like dunes of sand. They lay in a double sleeping bag beside the fire, which was built of driftwood they had gathered that afternoon. He wanted to tell her everything.
“I still do.”
“Me too,” she said.
“I read that Rousseau did right to the end of his life. I guess a certain kind of creative person is like that. He works all day to discipline his imagination so it’s there he’s most at home. No real corporeal woman can give him the pleasure of his own creations. Shell, don’t let me scare you with what I’m saying.”
“But doesn’t it separate us completely?”
They held hands tightly and watched the stars in the dark part of the sky; where the moon was bright they were obliterated. She told him she loved him.
A loon went insane in the middle of the lake.
21
After that distinguished summer of yellow dresses and green pants Lisa and Breavman rarely met. But once, during the following winter, they wrestled in the snow.
That episode has a circumference for Breavman, a kind of black-edged picture frame separating it from what he remembers of her.
It was after Hebrew school. They found themselves starting home together. They cut up through the park. There was almost a full moon and it silvered the snow.
The light seemed to come from under the snow. When they broke the crust with their boots the powdered snow beneath was brighter.
They tried to walk on the crust without breaking it. Both carried their Hebrew books, particular sections of the Torah which they were studying at the time.
Competition in crust-walking led to other trials: snowballing, tests of balance on the icy parts, pushing, and finally personal combat which began jovially but ended in serious struggle.
This was on the slope of the hill, near a line of poplar trees. Breavman recalls it as like a Brueghel: two small bulky-coated figures entwined, their limited battle viewed through icy branches.
At a certain point Breavman discovered he wasn’t going to win. He strained to topple her, he could not. He felt himself slipping. They were still holding their
