“I read a lot.” She did, though much of her knowledge of the “spy stuff” had come from Henry. She’d always thought he’d done meticulous research, had used his training as an academic to answer her questions and make her work easier. Now she wondered what he actually did with his time since he knew probably everything she asked and didn’t need to spend hours looking up the right caliber of a weapon or how to defuse a bomb. He’d probably defused a hundred.
“I think he loves you. I don’t think you’ll get rid of him so easily. You need to be less insecure.”
She sat up and turned to stare at him because that had been rude.
Michael frowned. “You have the judgmental thing down, Nell. I’m sorry. I used to be better at this. Or maybe I just thought I was. You’re feeling insecure, right? You’re mentally going over every reason a man like Henry would have to marry a woman like you?”
She couldn’t deny it. “We were an odd match in the beginning. It’s occurred to me that I would be good cover. Who would think the great spy master would end up with a woman who protests pretty much everything he used to do? So, yes, I look back and wonder.”
“You worry he couldn’t possibly have loved you if he could keep such a big secret from you.”
Nell sat back and realized this wasn’t merely about her. Somehow it was far easier to talk when she understood Michael needed this, too. “He’s a handsome man. I’m fairly ordinary.”
Michael’s head turned, a single brow rising over his eyes. “You’re a lovely woman.”
She was also a realistic one. “I’m not terrible to look at, but I’m not Laura. I’m not a gorgeous bombshell of a woman. I don’t mean to reduce any person to their looks. That’s wrong, but it’s also foolish to ignore that attractiveness plays a part in relationships. I seriously doubt Henry had dated someone like me before.”
“He probably didn’t date at all. I would assume most of his relationships were transactional. It’s pretty common when you’re undercover.”
“Have you worked undercover?”
“No,” Michael replied. “I didn’t do those kinds of jobs. Everything was upfront. At least it was supposed to be. But I guess I can understand that you question everything. I wonder why she picked me.”
Jessica. His fiancée. Her heart ached for him. “Yes, I can understand that. Would it be horribly hypocritical of me to say she likely picked you because she loved you?”
That actually got his lips to quirk up. “Seriously?”
She was well aware of how hypocritical she sounded. But all relationships were different.
“I’m a natural optimist. It doesn’t mean that I can’t have moments of doubt when it comes to myself.” Moments? It had been weeks and weeks. Weeks spent reexamining everything she’d done, every minute of their relationship. “Do you still love her?”
“I guess that’s the hardest part. I don’t know that I ever knew her. If I didn’t know her, how could I love her?” He sighed. “And that’s where you are, too. The difference is Henry is alive and he’s out there. You have the chance to know him if you want to. Jessie…well even if she’d lived, I would have been forced to hunt her down and arrest her. That’s the hard part. I thought we were living one life, but what she did was counter to everything I thought we believed in. Is that what you’re worried about? You think Henry will get back into his old ways now?”
It was a genuine fear. She’d seen him focused on prepping for the mission he was on. She knew there had been a part of him that missed his old line of work. He’d seemed more animated than he had in weeks. He’d been on the phone with Seth quite often, and he tended to go quiet when she walked in a room. She’d read some of the notes he’d left on his desk. Notes with names like Ian Taggart and Tennessee Smith. Ezra Fain and Levi Green.
She wanted to ask which ones were the men he’d worked with, the ones he’d called friends. But she’d hesitated because when she asked, he always told her not to worry and shut the conversation down.
How hard had it been for him to sit at craft fairs and dole out homemade apple cider? He’d spent weeks making dreamcatchers with her. They’d sold them at the annual spiritual reawakening festival. Had he sat there thinking it was penance for leaving his job behind? Or had it made him realize he’d made a mistake and should get back to it?
Did she have any right to ask him to give it all up?
“I worry those men who came out here a few days ago will want to arrest Henry. But I’m equally worried that they came here to ask him to come back.”
“That’s a definite possibility if he’s as good as I heard he was,” Michael replied. “But I don’t think he’ll go. I think he’s made his choice. Like Jessie made hers.”
Nell hated the hollowness in his voice. “She was desperate. She needed money.”
“There are other ways, Nell. So many other ways. No. She tricked me. She used me.” He turned back to the river. “And that’s how we’re different. As far as I can tell Henry’s only real crime is not talking about his past.”
“And killing a whole bunch of people.” How quickly everyone forgot. “And not telling me he killed a bunch of people. I think if he’s going to go around murdering people he should at least check in with his wife.”
“Fair,” Michael agreed. “You’re right about that. No secrets. That’s the only way to maintain a relationship. Everything has to be aboveboard.”
“So you’re thinking about a relationship?” It would be so much nicer to talk about Michael’s potential future than to sit here and worry that Henry wasn’t coming home at all.
He
