I’m definitely hoping she doesn’t have some power like being clairvoyant.
“It’s either power, sex, or money with men.”
“Maybe so, but maybe some just really want to be your friend.” I’m about sick of saying that, because never in my life have I had trouble making friends. Hell, I’m the chill one. Everyone loves me.
“So, you don’t want to try to have power over me, have sex with me, or …” She pauses. “No money, so answer the first two.”
“Power? Hell no. I like you just the way you are. No bullshit. Sex? I’m guessing that’s not an option because you’re into girls, and I’m not into forcing anyone to do anything they don’t want to.”
“I call bullshit.”
“Same questions for you. Do you want power over me or to gain it from me? Do you want to fuck me? Do you want my family’s money?”
“Power? All females want what has been stripped of them since the beginning of time. Money? Not a penny. Sex? Still like girls, even though stupid Chloe nearly ruined that for me.”
“Come again?” I ask, shocked.
“She didn’t tell you when you called her to try to make her—”
“Didn’t call her. Sent a message telling her what needed to be done. Because I said I was going to help you two sort your shit in class. I’m a man of my word. I haven’t even looked to see if she responded, because that shit she pulled was rachet.”
“Then why?”
“You wanna know a secret, Savvy?”
“Not really, but I’m guessing you’ll tell me regardless.”
“If it had been any other girl at Seashore who overheard the shit being talked in my Jeep that night, then saw us, it wouldn’t have mattered if it offended her; she’d have blushed, stammered, then flirted. She wouldn’t have called us on the shit, not thrown daggers at us with those fucking autumn-colored eyes. She sure as hell wouldn’t have been brazen enough to drop a bag of food in my lap. She wouldn’t have dropped the change I told her to keep. And I can assure you, any other girl wouldn’t so much as flinch, wouldn’t have hesitated one second if I told her to drop her ass on my lap.”
She rests her arm over her eyes.
I’m spilling truths, and she’s covering her damn eyes?
“You think you have it bad having tits and a vagina? Slip on my shoes for a day. I can’t trust anyone except family to be a true friend. Friends who will call me on my shit, not kiss my ass because of who my parents are, or whatever opportunity they think I can provide them, because of who I am. My cousins and I all deal with that shit. Granted, the younger ones eat it up, buying into it. They still believe that people want them for who they are. They’ll learn, just like I have. Facts? They’re my people, my Crew, but there are still times when I want a break from all of them. Figure out who I am without them. Plan to do that before I graduate.”
She doesn’t say shit, so I give it to her straight. “No fucking doubt I’m attracted to you. You’re stunning. I appreciate beauty. Real, raw beauty, unfiltered. But don’t you dare lie to yourself and me. You find me attractive. I see how you look at me. And, Savvy, by all means, keep looking. I don’t mind at all. But don’t think for a minute that I don’t see it. I’ll never lie to you, so truth? I like the way you react to me. I like the way you look at me.”
Chapter 12
Women are always saying,
'We can do anything that men can do.'
But men should be saying,
'We can do anything that women can do.'
~Gloria Steinem
~Three weeks later~
Savvy
Most people get the “winter blues,” whereas I am most anxious and worrisome, and yes, a bit depressed, from the end of August until the first snow.
I never thought any fall could be worse than the fall a few years ago, but this one has taken its toll on me.
Having my “fight” forced into hibernation for the last few weeks, due to getting—of all things—a kissing virus, from a girl, changes one’s perspective. Doing it virtually alone, aside from the essentials I need, being left outside the door, and the daily soup deliveries from “a friend” gives me plenty of time to reflect on my past, how to cope with what my life will become, and how to move forward.
Curled up on the huge space heater under the window overlooking the courtyard, I hold my All About The Bean travel mug under my nose and inhale the scent of crappy instant coffee as I watch everyone leave with their families for the Christmas break. It should tug at some sort of heart string inside of me, but my smile comes easily while I watch the very last leaf fall from the trees outside my dorm window. It brings a kind of peace to me that others would probably find disheartening. To me, it’s the opposite.
The slow way in which the landscape will change over the next few weeks gives just enough time to say goodbye. I don’t need that anymore, though. I’m no longer innocent and definitely no longer naïve. In front of my eyes lays brittle, dying, and dead leaves that are no longer sucking off the life form they were once attached to.
The dead, no longer a disease to the mighty oak. The brittle leaves soon will either blow away in the wind or disintegrate, becoming part of the earth, and then everything is bare and everything is quiet. Then, unlike the leaves, the snow will fall softly, hugging all the broken around it. It will freeze, it will thaw, and then life begins anew.
Deep inside of me, I know that is what is going to happen. I’m going to head into my spring, live my summer like it will never end, and then … and then …
