I feel shame wash over me. Fuck, I never wanted anyone to see me like this, and I can’t believe I’m in their backyard. I have no clue how I got here.
She stays away from me and doesn’t bother saying anything in greeting and I don’t blame her at all.
“Sorry buddy, I don’t know how I got here,” I say getting up to a sitting position. Hale takes a seat beside me.
“I thought that maybe you were here to play with me since you don’t come over anymore,” he says. I wince.
Yeah, no matter how much I tried to visit my nephews and niece sober, it doesn’t happen as much as it used to. I fucking hate it, but being around them all happy and innocent, not knowing what a fucked up place this world is, messes with my head more than I care to admit.
“I’m sorry, bud. I’ll try harder, okay?” I say.
He looks at me with a frown. “You say that all the time.”
I can’t help but wince at his admission. Fuck.
“Mommy says you’re sad and that’s why you are always gone. Are you sad because Aunt Stacey is gone?” he asks. He’s too young to realize that he’s breaking my heart with his innocence.
I nod my head since I can’t seem to form any words.
He nods his head back like he expected it.
“I miss her too,” he says quietly.
Then he looks at me with the most thoughtful expression I have ever seen.
“But you want to know what mama told me?” he asks. I sit there and wait for his answer.
“Aunt Stacey is always with us. She will always be in here.” He points to his chest and I feel the tears welling in my eyes. “Mama said that if I ever needed to talk to Aunt Stacey that she will visit me in my dreams so that I can talk to her. That way, she can tell me that everything will be okay,” he says.
I feel the breath leave my lungs and I try to show the effect his words had on me.
“Your mom is a smart lady,” I rasp out with my voice breaking.
He nods happily at that, but he’s not done tearing out my heart because the next words he says to me with a frown have it breaking for a different reason.
“Do you not come around anymore because you don’t love me anymore?”
I feel completely shocked and I feel the tears fall from my face as I grab Hale into my arms and hug him like I never want to let go.
“No… No… No buddy. I could never stop loving you. I’ll try to be better. I promise. I miss her so much, but that’s no excuse to keep hurting the people I love.”
He nods his head as I hug him.
Once I release him, he gets up and smiles at me.
“Time to clean up, uncle. You stink,” he says as he runs away.
I can’t help but wince at the smell of myself.
Olivia comes over to me once Hale starts playing with his sister.
For once, the look of pity in her eyes doesn’t fill me with anger. I’m filled with nothing but regret and shame right now.
“Oliv-" I start, but she cuts me off and there’s anger in her gaze.
“No. Enough is enough,” she says harshly.
She looks over her shoulder to make sure the kids aren’t in hearing distance. Then turns her glare back on me.
“When are you going to see that you are hurting everyone around you? First your mom and dad, then Camilla. Then you call your brother in the middle of the night and complain about how pathetic you have become. I get it, you are hurting, but the alcohol isn’t medicine and it’s ruining your life and your relationships with everyone around you. Showing up here passed out in my yard where my kids can see is not ok. I’ve tried to be understanding, but I don’t think I can anymore,” she says and her eyes turn sad.
I nod my head and drop my chin to my chest. “I know. I’m fucked up, but my nephew asking me if I stopped coming because I don’t love him is the final straw. I’m sorry. I need to go. Clear my head. Take care of the family. I need to take care of me for a change,” I say and she slightly smiles at me.
“You can do this,” she says with a soft smile and I nod my head.
I sure as fuck hope so.
I leave my brother’s house and walk home since it seems that I had walked here in the first place. We don’t live too far from each other anyway.
Once I make it to my house, I have a shower and lay on my bed to think about everything that’s happened since I lost Stacey.
I have come to rely on alcohol to erase the memories and numb the pain. Stacey would have fucking hated that. She was never one to drink when she was upset and I knew that she would not approve.
I rub a hand over my face and let out a curse.
“I can’t keep living like this,” I say to the empty room.
Silence greets me and for once it’s not comforting.
I still need to do right by my mom and dad. I haven’t seen them since Stacey’s memorial, and I have to admit that I am ashamed of the way that I talked to my mom. It was not okay no matter how much I was hurting.
Then there is Camilla. There was so much I fucked up with her and,
