“I can’t. This is all new to me,” I confess. I wait for her to laugh, to call me ridiculous, but she turns onto her side to face me and places a pillow in front of her.
“I won’t pass this pillow,” she says. I release a breath and try to relax my body. “You really haven’t shared your bed before?” she asks. I shake my head.
Chapter Eight
Eva
My heart aches for Cree. How can anyone get to his age and never have experienced sharing a bed? “Because you don’t like being touched?” I ask. The fact he shared that little snippet of information makes me feel privileged. “You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to,” I add.
He side-eyes me, then tucks his hands behind his head and goes back to staring up at the ceiling. “I like my space. I hate talking,” he says. “That’s why I don’t share my bed.”
“Sorry. I didn’t mean to pry.”
I go to turn over and he stops me. “No, I’m trying to explain,” he says, and I relax back onto my side. “But, yeah, I worry that you’ll relax in the night and you’ll touch me.”
“I lay pretty still in my sleep,” I reassure him. “Is it all touching or just certain places?”
“I don’t know. It’s been so long that I don’t even know what’s okay and what’s not anymore. I liked you putting your head on my shoulder just then when I carried you.”
I try to contain the smile, but it slips out. “I wanna get over it,” he adds. “My shrink said to try and talk more. To women and stuff.” He reminds me of a teenager. He’s shy and embarrassed, and that’s not something I’ve seen since meeting these bikers. “Women that I like,” he continues.
“That makes sense,” I say. “Have you told her about me?” I ask. “Have you told her how much I annoy you?”
He smiles and shrugs his shoulders. “Stop putting words in my mouth. Where’s your dad?”
“Erm,” I stutter. “I don’t have one. He’s never been around. It’s always been just me and Mum. Then Anna and Malia became part of our little circle too. Mum said he was a soldier. She met him in a nightclub and dated him for about six months, but when he found out she was pregnant, he ran a mile.”
“Your mum’s nice,” he says.
“She’s amazing. She’s more like my best friend than my mum. She gives me great advice.”
“You’re lucky,” he says.
“What about your mum?” I ask tentatively. I feel like this might be a question too far, but he half-smiles and I see the sadness in his face.
“She wasn’t a good mum. I’d look at other mums and wonder why mine didn’t hug me or kiss me. She didn’t play or bake or even fuckin’ laugh. I never remember her laughing . . . ” He scrubs his hand over his face and then rakes his fingers through his hair. “She died. Drug overdose when I was thirteen.”
I gasp. “Cree, that’s awful. I’m so sorry.” I have to fight with myself not to touch him to show him how sad that makes me.
“After that, I took care of myself. I’d been doing it for thirteen years anyway.”
“What about your dad?”
“Same as you. Ran out when she got pregnant and never looked back. Her pimp told the social services that he was my dad. They never questioned him and that was that.”
“So, your mum’s pimp raised you?”
“No. He employed me. I became Mum’s replacement, sold drugs and shit.”
“No wonder you keep people at a distance,” I mutter. “How can anyone treat a kid like that?”
“I’m never having kids. I’m not doing that to some poor defenceless kid,” he says firmly.
“You can’t stop life, Cree. One day, you’ll fall in love and want those things. It happens.”
He laughs to himself and shakes his head. “It doesn’t happen for people like me, Eva. I’m not good enough. This is my life. The club. My brothers.”
“You’re so good with Ziggy. I’ve seen you.”
At the mention of Ziggy, he grins wide. “I love that kid. He’s all I need. I can hand him back to Riggs at the end of the day and I can’t fuck up his life.”
I fall silent. It breaks my heart that he’s given up on love and having kids. I know he’d make the best dad. Seeing this soft side of him makes me melt. I wish he was like this all the time. “When we had sex the other night, is that how you always have sex?” I ask.
“What do you mean?”
“Without feeling? Emotion?”
He glances at me and I feel like this is the first time he’s ever been pulled up on it. “I fuck, Eva. I don’t make love, if that’s what you’re getting at.”
“You’re missing out on something so amazing. I mean, I haven’t ever made love to someone I actually love. I’ve never loved anyone like that. But I’ve had sex where it’s full of emotion and feelings. It’s amazing.”
“It’s not for me,” he mutters.
“Because you think you’re not worthy?” I ask, and he shrugs. “I work with kids just like you, Cree. They think they’re worthless and damaged. They’re not. You’re not. No one’s damaged beyond repair. Everything can be fixed with time and patience.”
“Not me, darlin’. If you knew about me, the things I’ve done . . . ” He shakes his head and his lip curls slightly, like he’s disgusted with his own thoughts. “You’d see how fucked up I really am.”
I pull the sheet up under my chin. “You’re wrong, Cree. I’m not giving up on you, and you’re not giving up on love. We’ll work it out together.” I yawn. “Challenge accepted,” I whisper before my eyes
