‘Hey, Regi,’ Will called, and I stopped and slowly turned around. He stood facing me, one hand raised. ‘Have a good weekend.’
Regret raged like a flood within me. Threatening angry tears, I turned and walked away. I stared straight ahead of me and saw myself in a parallel universe, one where I hadn’t made any mistakes. One where I didn’t have to hide anything about myself and one where I could accept Will’s offer.
I felt the gloomy sensation that something terrible was about to happen, and I needed to do something to ease it. I had the journey home to get through and so once I was on the train, I opened up Instagram to see what Mrs Clean had been doing. It no longer felt like a want, but more like a need as I took in the seamlessness of her grid; I felt the dismal sensation melt away and a calmness fell over me. Within these boxes, I had begun to feel a strange sort of safety, as though I were in an alternative world.
Mrs Clean had posted again, and this time she was running a competition in association with a cleaning brand to win some top-of-the-range cleaning gadgets and equipment. The image accompanying the words was of her hallway again. I could see those three black-and-white prints on the wall on the left, and the floor was gleaming. Right at the end of the hallway was an image of the products she was giving away and a mop and bucket. All I could think was that it was a little sad, that a woman would be staying in on a Friday night and I felt a little sorry for her. I wondered how old she was. In my mind, she was my age. For a moment I imagined a world where I would go to her house on a Friday night and we would have a drink and compare cleaning tips. I thought about what I had planned for the evening. Drying my sheets, tidying my room.
I had more in common with Mrs Clean than I thought.
I just love it, were her signing off words.
‘I just love it.’ I mouthed the words to myself to see if I could conjure up any more love associated with cleaning. I was certainly enjoying it, but did I love it?
Back at the house there didn’t seem to be any sense of urgency over a party that was happening tomorrow night, and, by the evening, everyone had gathered to hang out in the lounge, including Steve. Bowls of nuts and crisps were out on the coffee table alongside glasses of wine and bottles of beer; there was word of ordering a Mexican takeaway. I joined them as I did most evenings for a little while, mainly as the nights by myself in my bedroom were too long to be alone with my own thoughts.
I took the chair opposite the sofa where Mini and Karen were sprawled out at opposite ends. The conversations were easy to listen to, never really wavering from magazine or TV topics: who wore what to the Oscars, would there be another series of Friends, what were the best night creams currently on the market? Steve had arrived about half an hour ago. He now sat contentedly in a tub chair in the corner of the room, listening, nodding in the appropriate places. I couldn’t help seeing someone else whenever I looked at him, and my body would occasionally give an involuntary shudder like it did now.
‘You okay, Regi?’ Sophia asked. Her curly hair was piled high in a bun and she was wearing her glasses. She peered over them and looked at me.
‘Just felt a slight chill.’ I tried to shake off Sophia’s concern, but she was already pulling the throw from the back of the chair and holding it out for me. I gave an insipid smile, sat forward and gingerly pulled it over my legs, trying not to think about the last time it had seen a wash.
‘So, I’m thinking balloons, confetti, candles, the lot tomorrow. I’ll pop over to that party shop in the morning and grab some stuff.’ Mini chatted away.
‘You’re not supposed to go and buy your own decorations for your party,’ Karen said.
‘No, you’re thinking of not seeing the bride before the wedding,’ Mini said deadpan, and Sophia and Karen exchanged a look and a smirk.
‘No, I just don’t think it’s fair that you should be the one to put your own decorations out on your birthday,’ Karen said, dabbing her nose with one hand and smoothing the stray hairs across her head with the other.
‘Oh right, so you’re gonna do it then? You don’t drive for a start,’ Mini said, grabbing a handful of nuts from the table and putting them in her mouth.
‘I’ll drive you, babes,’ Steve said from across the room.
I felt my eyes half close as I looked across at Steve. His delivery of the word babe had seemed somewhat disingenuous.
‘Oh, thank you, darlin’.’ Karen blew him a kiss.
I saw Sophia raise her head and flash a look over towards Steve, who looked up at her with a neutral expression at the same time. I wondered if Sophia felt the same way about Steve as I did. I made a mental note to ask her when we were alone.
‘Right, I’ll order the takeaway.’ Sophia began tapping away at her phone. Everyone, including me, started shouting their orders at her. Steve and Karen got up and left the room.
I saw Sophia glance over at them as they left. She then caught my eye and quickly stuck two fingers in her mouth. I smiled.
Half an hour later, when the doorbell went, Sophia looked at me.
‘Would you mind? The money’s there.’ She pointed at the table and leant back over Mini’s phone where they were scrolling through Pinterest, getting party ideas. I grabbed the kitty from the
