We would just be ghosts to each other…to these memories.
But that was how it had to be, because we were too different.
He pulled his touch away and gave me a slight nod. “Live well. Be happy.”
Tears welled up in my eyes, and my bottom lip quivered because those words hit me with unexpected pain. My hands were still on his arms because I wasn’t ready to let go yet, to release the only person who had ever taken care of me.
He pulled his hands back and walked off.
I watched him go, standing in the rain, unable to leave until he left first.
He got into the car.
The door shut.
The engine roared.
If he looked at me, it was impossible to tell, because the windows were tinted.
Then he drove away, the tires splashing through the puddles.
When he was gone, I finally turned back to my apartment…as a free woman.
23
Survivor’s Guilt
We returned to our lives.
We finished the laundry, bought groceries, cleaned the apartment, all the things we used to dread. There was a lot of rain in Paris. It was the second week of February, so I gathered I’d been gone for over six weeks. That wasn’t long, but at the time, it had seemed like a lifetime.
My purse and wallet had been stolen, but thankfully, my passport was in the apartment, so I was able to get cash out of the bank to pay rent so I wouldn’t be evicted, as well as get food on the table.
Melanie and I didn’t talk much, as if we weren’t ready to talk.
After a few days, we sat together at the kitchen island, drinking hot cups of coffee with a plate of pastries between us. We had access to all the food we could eat, but neither one of us was ever hungry, at least, not the way we used to be.
She sat with her chin down, her knuckles propped underneath. Her eyes were downcast, her fingers in the handle of the mug. It was gray and cloudy outside, and the rain never seemed to stop. It rained every single day, a constant sprinkle.
It was better than snow.
I cleared the lump in my throat. “You can talk to me…if you want to talk about it.” Not once had we talked about what the boss did to her. It just happened…and went unacknowledged. Honestly, I didn’t want to hear about it because it was just too painful to picture the person you loved most being subjugated to that, but I would be there for her, because that was my job.
She kept her eyes down. “I don’t want to talk about it.”
“Well, we can always find you a therapist…if you want to do that.”
She shook her head then brought the mug to her lips for a drink. “Are you okay?”
I thought I would be blissfully happy to be free, but that high quickly wore off. Now guilt tied me down, made me think of the women who were still there, still working every single day, witnessing the death of a friend every week. “As okay as I’m going to be…”
“What about Magnus?”
I lifted my gaze and looked at her. “What about him?”
“Are you going to see him again?”
When he’d walked away, it hurt more than I thought it would. It was hard to say goodbye to someone who had experienced so much of your journey right at your side. He was the hero in my story, even if he was the villain in others. “No.”
“I saw you two together outside…when he left.”
I looked down at my coffee.
“It just seemed like…there was something there.”
Because there was. “Some people are in your life for a reason. Once that reason is fulfilled, it’s over. He saved me. He saved you. Transaction is over.”
“Did you sleep with him?”
I almost didn’t answer her because it was my business and not hers, but after everything we’d been through, there were no secrets at this point. “Yes. A couple times.”
“Do you have feelings for him?”
I shrugged. “That’s a complicated question.”
“Not really. But I’m guessing it’s a complicated answer.”
I drank from my mug again. “What do we do now?”
She was quiet for a while. “I usually ask you that, not the other way around.”
“The semester has already started, so I can’t go back to school right now. I’ll have to clear up everything with the immigration office. I’ll have to get a full-time job, save up some money until I go back. Are you going to go back home?”
She shook her head. “I’m not leaving you.”
I studied her face. “I’m not leaving Paris. This is my home now.”
“That’s fine. We stay together from now on.”
I’d come here to get away from her, to have my own independence, but now I was happy she wanted to stay. Sharing an apartment and getting through this together sounded nice.
She stared at me for a while, like there was something she wanted to say.
I already knew what was coming. “I forgive you.”
Her eyes immediately watered as she took a deep breath, like she needed to be cleansed of her sins, needed to remove the guilt from her shoulders. She’d been carrying it every single day since all this happened. “I know that I’ve been such a pain in the ass since Mom died, and I’m sorry for that…”
“Melanie—”
“But I’m a different person now. I’ll get a job, my own apartment, and just be a better person, be more like you.”
“I don’t want you to be me. I want you to be you.”
“But I know I’ve caused you so much grief…”
“It’s okay, Melanie. It’s in the past.” I rested my hand on hers. “I want you to be a better version of you, not anyone else.”
She gave a slight nod, tears glistening.
“Let it go. I have.”
She inhaled
