Nadia looked horrified. ‘Seb, no …’ she said, a frantic edge to her voice but Seb wound his fingers tight in Jay’s curls.
‘Oh, isn’t he gorgeous!’ Steph cried.
‘He loves your hair,’ Myra said.
Trapped by Seb, Jay managed a smile. ‘It’s OK. He’s doing no harm.’
Only Lottie could have spotted the desperate plea in Nadia’s eyes as she gently disentangled Seb’s chubby fingers from Jay’s curls. He stood patiently while she did it.
‘Thank you,’ Nadia said once Jay was free.
‘I’m fine,’ he murmured.
Nadia looked relieved. ‘You’re lucky he hasn’t pulled some out by the roots.’
Jay shook his head in wonder at Seb. ‘He’s strong.’
Seb wasn’t impressed and let out a howl of protest.
‘I’m sorry, he’s very tired,’ she said.
‘I’m sure he is. He’s a gorgeous little boy isn’t he?’ the head enthused. ‘He looks like you, Nadia.’
Lottie winced a little, wondering how Jay felt. She could definitely see a likeness to Jay and wondered if he thought the same. Did that rub salt in his wounds?
Jay couldn’t take his eyes off Seb. ‘He’s grown so … big,’ he said, then added, ‘Maybe he’ll be a rugby player.’
Steph shot Jay a curious glance and seemed about to say something but then thought better of it. Lottie guessed that she’d sensed a connection between the two of them.
‘It’s hard being the star of the show, isn’t it, Seb?’ The head tried to stroke Seb’s cheek but he bawled even louder.
‘I’d better take him home.’ Nadia had to raise her voice above Seb’s screams. ‘Bye. Lovely to see you again,’ she said. ‘And meet you,’ she added quickly.
Moments later, she’d left them. The head moved on to other parents and after bombarding Jay with questions about the play and the reindeer, the twins skipped off to say goodbye to their friends.
Jay was putting on a manful effort, smiling and chatting to Steph but Lottie could tell that the experience had shaken him.
Steph was clearly flagging. ‘I think I’ll get the girls home now,’ she said.
‘Are you OK?’ Lottie asked.
‘Yes. Just a bit tired.’ She brightened, though Lottie thought it was more of a brave face. ‘Did you both enjoy yourselves?’
‘It was wonderful,’ Lottie said.
‘Thank you for coming,’ Steph said to Jay. ‘It meant a lot to the twins.’
‘No problem. It was fun. I’m glad they invited me.’
A short while later, they finally escaped to the haven of the car although Jay was very subdued. Nadia’s unexpected appearance had come as a shock to Lottie herself. She’d been wary of taking him, then felt it had brought him out of himself, right up until Seb and Nadia had appeared. At first he’d looked horrified to be confronted with Nadia face to face, but he’d softened quickly and been transfixed by Seb. Lottie found it impossible to ignore the connection that still existed between him and Nadia.
‘That was a shock,’ she said, when they were finally alone in the car. ‘Are you OK?’
‘I guess we had to come into contact sometime. It was probably better I didn’t know and that I was with so many people … and kids are a great distraction from all the crap that grown-ups cause.’
‘They are. The girls live for the moment, apart from when they’re looking forward to Christmas of course.’
Jay laughed softly but then subsided into silence so Lottie didn’t push it.
It was almost dark when they reached Firholme and got out of the car. They stood by the gates to their cottages – so near and yet still separate. In the gathering darkness, the hills were the towering silhouettes of giants, pressing in on them. The wind was blowing straight off the northern fells, chilled by snow, and it seemed to cut through her smart coat.
Jay lingered, seeming at a loss. Lottie rubbed her hands together and shivered.
‘Let’s not stand out here in the cold any longer,’ Jay said. ‘Will you come inside for a coffee?’
There was a desperate edge to his tone that moved her. ‘That’d be good.’
He let her into the cottage and fed Trevor. She heard the dog’s identity tag clanking against his dish in the kitchen and then the kettle boiling. She also noticed a pile of unopened Christmas cards on the coffee table.
Jay walked in with a mug in each hand.
‘Thanks,’ she said, accepting the drink, warming her palms on it.
He sat next to her on the sofa.
‘Aren’t you going to open them?’ she said, nodding at the cards.
He glanced at them. ‘I’ve been so busy, I haven’t got round to it.’
Lottie looked at the fireplace. The bare mantelpiece and house devoid of so much as a holly wreath seemed so sad when the rest of Firholme was bedecked with greenery and colour. She wondered if Jay was thinking that he’d been deprived of having his own family. Was he still in love with Nadia and wishing they were living together as a family, planning their first Christmas together?
‘Lottie …’ he said carefully. ‘There’s something I need to tell you.’
She tensed. There was a hesitancy in his tone that had her bracing herself for a further bombshell, though goodness knows what it would be. ‘Yes?’
‘I just want you to know that I don’t regret coming today. Not for a moment, despite how it ended.’
She put her mug down. ‘Phew. That’s a relief. You seemed unsure. Distracted – I wondered if I’d upset you in some way.’
‘No … I just need to sort myself out sometimes. I’m getting there.’ He smiled reticently. ‘Slowly but surely … and a lot of that is thanks to you.’
‘What have I done?’
‘You keep giving me a chance. Even when I might not seem as if I appreciate it, I do. You keep making me see that life can be good again, even Christmas …’
Lottie went shivery, this time not because of the cold, but because of the way Jay was looking at her: with pleasure – and desire.
She laughed and Jay smiled. Never had he looked more gorgeous, and there was such an intensity in his
