She changed from her suit into jeans and jumper and hunted for her bobble hat. Since October, when it had been unearthed from her chest of drawers, the hat was usually shoved in the pocket of her coat, or hung on a peg in the hall of her tiny cottage. However, it was nowhere to be found and she didn’t have time to waste, so she ran upstairs to get her new one from her bedroom.
She had to stand on a little folding stool, a gift from her nieces, to reach the top cupboard of the wardrobe, but the red hat was there, tucked away at the rear of the cupboard. ‘Hurrah!’ she said, pulling it out.
As she stepped down, hat in hand, a scarf and a card fluttered onto the carpet.
She gave a little intake of breath when she picked it up. She hadn’t even known she’d brought it with her when she moved to Firholme, but it must have been wrapped in a scarf or tucked inside some clothes. She obviously hadn’t been able to throw it out.
She picked it up. The front was a watercolour of the cove in Cornwall, with gulls scudding across wet sand, reflecting the sky at sunset. The rear had a simple message in neat, restrained handwriting, so even and level, it could almost have been written with the aid of a ruler.
The message wasn’t restrained; it was heartfelt.
Lottie,
Thank you for saying yes,
You’ve made me the happiest man alive,
All my love forever,
Connor xx
Lottie sat down on the bed, before reading the card again. Over a year later, those words still had the power to cut the ground from under her feet, and leave her turning over bad memories in a fruitless quest to understand how their relationship had turned from blissful to disastrous so suddenly.
Even though she should have thrown the card in the bin, it was impossible not to recall those heady times and wonder if they’d all been a deluded dream.
Chapter Two
‘I’m sorry. I’ve done something unforgivable.’
Connor’s words, on the doorstep that dark September night, rushed back to her, along with all the memories of the misery that followed in the hours and months afterwards. They were like dust and litter she’d swept out of the door, now blowing back in her face on an ill wind.
She’d never forget Connor’s face; so white and drawn that her first fear was that he was ill or his sister or mother were. He looked up at her and said two words: ‘I’m sorry.’
‘Sorry about what?’
He threw his keys on the table. ‘I’ve done something unforgivable.’
Her stomach turned over. ‘What do you mean? Have you had an accident?’ He must have run someone over, she thought … a child … ‘Oh my God, sit down.’
‘No. I – I … There’s no way of saying this that can excuse me or soften the blow, but I care for you too much to live a lie, or make you live a lie.’ Lottie’s skin had prickled with unease, with dismay at that word. ‘Care?’
‘I care a lot for you. I’m very fond of you but … you tried to warn me when I asked you at the beach.’
‘What do you mean? I tried to warn you?’
‘You said it was unexpected – out of the blue – and you’re right. When we came home, even before – walking in here and realising what marriage truly means: a lifetime of commitment. You deserve nothing less, Lottie, and I should never have let myself be carried along by the idea of it.’
She couldn’t believe he was passing the responsibility for his cruel act to her. What had happened to him during these few days away? What had changed his mind?
‘I can’t inflict myself on you, Lottie. It isn’t fair. God knows, it’s killing me to be the one to hurt you like this but it’s better I do it now, before things go too far. I’m sorry, truly I am, and I realise there’s no coming back from this. I’ll pack my bags.’
‘But why? Why have you changed your mind?’
‘It’s for the best,’ he said wearily. ‘There’s no other reason. Best I end it now before everyone knows.’
‘Is there someone else? Did you meet someone in Scotland?’
‘No!’ His tone changed to something like anger, though Lottie later realised it was guilt. ‘I just … can’t make the commitment you need. The commitment you deserve. This time away has made me realise that. I’ve woken up to reality and the reality is that I’m not the man you need and I should never have led you to believe I was. I got carried away …’
‘B-but you can’t just change your mind. I don’t understand.’
He set his mouth in a hard line. ‘I’m very sorry, Lottie, but I have to leave. It’ll be simpler that way. Less painful in the long run. You deserve way better than me.’
That was it. He moved out that night, leaving Lottie feeling like a vase that had been hurled onto a marble floor, the pieces scattered far and wide.
For many many months, she’d wasted her nights trying to pinpoint the exact moment when Connor had decided he didn’t want to marry her after all.
It couldn’t have been the evening they’d shared champagne and spent a glorious night in bed …
Was it on the way home? Some point along the journey, when the green fields of the West Country gave way to the suburbs and factories? Was that when the magic of a holiday proposal melted into the reality of a lifetime of commitment? Connor had obviously calculated the cost of keeping their relationship going for a lifetime, with responsibilities, a family, and it outweighed the benefits.
Lottie had combed through every moment, searching for the exact point when her dreams were shattered, but all she had were Connor’s bland statements. Platitudes, words he’d obviously been rehearsing for hours – days – they were such a contrast from his heartfelt declaration on the beach.
The next morning,
