“It’s a really long story, Mom, one that will take all afternoon and a giant box of tissue to explain. And in my family, Kings are allowed to cry, so I’m not sure you want to witness that.”
She grabs my hand, squeezes it, and brings it to her lips, her eyes lined with tears.
“I do, sweetheart, I really do. I’m ready to listen if you’d like to tell me.”
I shake my head and smile, knowing our story is one that I never want Olivia to hear, unless it’s the good parts. The good pieces of Pax and me that won’t cause her to drive a lawn tractor through our window or have her building a secret club behind our backs.
Or hate-fucking in the bathroom of a cemetery.
Scratch that, that part isn’t so bad is it?
I look over at Pax eyeballing me with that look that says he wants to eat me, and I realize I want him badly too.
“Hey, Mom?” I ask, watching as she fake nibbles on Liv’s tiny fingers, making her giggle uncontrollably.
“Yes, dear?” she says, lost in my precious cargo.
“Will you watch her for a few minutes?”
“Sure, take as long as you want, I’ll just be here telling her stories about her granddaddy, won’t I? Won’t I, you little darling?” she chants away in baby talk.
I give Pax the once over and bite my lip to the sweet smile plastered over his badboy face as he juts his head toward the funeral home and mouths the words, Come over here and get on this dick.
We are going straight into Hate-fuck territory, God yes!
No hate required.
Introduction to Pax
(a.k.a Whiskey)
Dr. Dell’s office has a rustic, calming feel to it, almost as comforting as the doctor’s voice when he gives Vix and me homework. It’s a safe place where we can just be ourselves. He doesn’t judge us for the way we are or who we used to be.
Not that we’ve ever mentioned our hate-fuck sessions.
The doctor is a short weighty man, mid-fifties if I had to guess, with eyeglasses almost as thick as the glass awards that line his bookshelves. Vixen and I came to him in agreement that we needed to become our best selves in order to be good parents to Liv.
We adopted her last year from the local orphanage when she had just turned one, after we’d spent the year prior in therapy preparing.
I never doubted us once, I didn’t need to, not even for a second the day we met our little girl. I knew the moment I saw her, same as I did Vixen, that she would become the other half of our world, the same way Vix is the other half of mine.
Liv or ‘Monkey’ as we call her, just turned two. She has these great big wild blue eyes that are always curious and a sassy attitude almost as bold as her mommies.
We have a quiet little place on the beach, only forty minutes from the Hill, but somehow, it’s far enough from Helen to make Vix feel content, yet close enough to bring Liv back and forth every few months to work on a relationship with ‘Bama’, Liv’s current pronunciation of grandma.
Doctor Dell asked me once, two years ago when we’d decided to adopt Liv, to work on a personal project that would help me discover myself.
Not who I am now, but who I was before I met Kirsten. His way of helping me sort out the memories of my past I’m still trying to let go of, or at least forgive myself for.
He asked me to answer a series of ten questions with as much detail as possible, and to write the answers down no matter how long they were and even if they make no sense. He even typed and printed them out for me on a piece of his fancy doctor paper, letter head Vix calls it, but she’s had to help me with some of the words. I’m not the strongest at reading even though I’ve tried to teach myself.
I’ve been working on the answers daily in the self-love journal he gave us while Vix helps me with my spelling, and if I’m honest, it fucking blows. I’m still on the first question, been trying to finish it but I’m not sure there is an end to any of my answers.
It’s frustrating sometimes, and I’d rather be hanging out with Vixen and Liv, not dredging up the pain, but at the same time I understand that this is a part of the healing process.
The ten questions he wants me to answer are as follows:
How would you describe yourself as a person before you met Kirsten?
What is your earliest memory before the abduction?
Would you want to know what your real full name is if you were given the chance?
Can you describe what your idea of family was with respect to Ken, Cliff, and Verna?
At what age did you start to entertain the idea of escaping your captors?
At what age did you follow through with the idea and did you have a plan? If yes, please list the details.
Did Ken, Cliff, and Verna attempt to locate their families once they were free? If yes, how did that make you feel?
What brought you into Kirsten’s life the night you met?
Describe the day you and Kirsten decided to move to the beach and what you hoped to gain from it.
If you looked back upon your life at all of the good, bad, and indifferent moments, what would you change?
I’ve read them over at least a thousand times, but Dr. Dell specifically instructed me to answer each one in
