A lump grew in my throat and when it was time for us to approach the casket, I still wasn’t ready. Javi stood behind me, blocking me from everyone’s view. I stood before the smooth polished wooden box, unable to bring myself to touch it or say a goodbye like I was supposed to. My reflection shone back and the blankness I saw on my face startled me. Why wasn’t I crying? I stared silently, sorrow and rage unfurling inside me.
The injustice of it burned a hole in my heart. Wasn’t losing one parent enough? What did I do to piss off fate so badly?
First, my mother dead with no rhyme or reason or at least nothing that the coroner could find. She just died. Now, Papi was gone too.
Voices echoed around me, drowned out by the rapid beating of my heart. All the dreams of the future crashed all around me. The years would keep coming, but I’d have to face them alone with part of me forever missing. I knew, in that moment, that I would survive, but nothing would ever be the same again.
The ride home was silent. I closed my eyes, feigning sleep so I didn’t have to face the others. What would happen when they returned home? It would just be me in the house. A numbness spread through me.
Just me.
2
The next day, the funeral service dragged on. It was all I could do not to bolt out of the pew and be done with it all. A depressing gray sky and drizzle only added to the misery. The church was filled with all our friends and workers, but I couldn’t bring myself to look at any of them. For some reason, I felt safer seated with the family I barely knew. When Padre Santos ended in yet another prayer, I sighed in relief and escaped before I had to face the teary-eyed congregation. I couldn’t even bring myself to meet my best friend Lana’s gaze, but I knew she would understand.
Outside the rain had stopped, but the sky remained gray. Gray and depressing, but would a sunny day have made it less miserable?
I didn’t think so.
Only family was allowed at the gravesite, and because Papi was an orphan, it was just me. Me and my mother’s family. A part of me felt guilty that none of Papi’s friends or workers could come, they’d been more of a family to us than anyone, but another part of me was thankful for the privacy.
This was the final goodbye.
I knew deep down, I wouldn’t return to the grave. At least not for a long time. I couldn’t bear the thought of coming back to see Papi like that. To stand there and know. Know his body was rotting, hidden beneath the beautifully carved stone. My stomach churned.
Tears blurred my vision as I watched them lower the casket into the dirt. Padre Santos’s deep voice echoed in the air as he said a final prayer. One by one, my family threw their roses into the hole. I gripped mine tightly in my fist, letting the thorns pierce me. The pain was my anchor, keeping me from falling apart.
With a shaky breath, I tossed the flower in with the others and watched as it fell. A numbness spread through me as they threw more dirt down until the casket disappeared entirely. In a few days, they would place the headstone that would be Papi’s final resting place.
Tío Javier and Tía Teresa stood beside me. Tía Teresa dabbed her eyes with an embroidered handkerchief while my uncle glanced impatiently at his watch.
Anger burned in my chest. He acted as if my father’s death was a huge inconvenience. I was ready to see the man leave. Family or not, I didn’t want anything to do with him.
Javi, on the other hand, I thought I might miss. When we’d first met, he was like the brother I’d always wanted and given time, we could grow close again. But there wasn’t time. He’d probably return to his life in Malibu and me… what would I do?
“We should return to the vineyard. There’s much to do.” Tío’s voice startled me.
I shook my head. “Not yet. I’m not ready.”
He opened his mouth but shut it at the not-so-subtle look Tía Teresa gave him.
“I’ll stay with you,” Javi offered.
My eyes met his. “Thanks, but I’d rather be alone. Just for a little longer.”
His brow furrowed in concern and his gaze darted to his father. I wasn’t sure what their little exchange meant, but I didn’t really care. I waved goodbye to them as they walked away, nodding to my tía as she informed me that the driver would be back to pick me up.
Wrapping my arms around myself, I stared at the packed dirt. A coldness settled inside me and try as I might, I couldn’t shake it. I let out a heavy sigh and shook my head. Whatever words I was supposed to say wouldn’t come. Tears filled my eyes, but I refused to stand there and sob.
Footsteps sounded behind me. Blinking away the tears, I sucked in a breath and turned to see who my unwelcomed company was.
It was our newest hire, a man I’d met only once before.
“Manny?” I frowned.
His eyes darted away from me. Sweat coated his tan skin and his clothes were tattered and ripped.
I took a step back as he approached. “Manny, what happened? Are you okay?”
He let out a wheezy laugh.
The hairs on my neck bristled. My body immediately on alert. Something wasn’t right. His gaze fell on me, bloodshot eyes meeting mine. Fear rushed through me. Whatever he was strung out on had taken its toll on him.
He stretched out a shaky hand toward me, but withdrew it, raking his wet hair back instead.
“I… I’m so sorry about your father.” His words were raspy.
I
