That made sense to him. “You’re too transparent. You don’t want to work an asset and tell lies and weave up a story, do you?”
She shook her head. “No, and that’s what’s required. I keep telling everyone that, but they just keep pushing it. The Honduras op was a bit different because I wasn’t working any assets. I was just executing a mission and providing intel and analysis.”
“You didn’t even mention the danger element.”
She gave him a smile. “There’s danger in every part of life. I have to rely on God’s protection whether I’m running a field op or driving to the grocery store. It’s all in His hands.”
She’d come back to the faith topic again. He was still struggling with how to verbalize his issues with her.
“I take it from your silence that you disagree with me. What changed, Hunter? I know what strong faith you used to have. I lived it with you for three years.”
“I wish I could make you understand why I feel the way I do. There’s just a big gulf between God and me. I don’t know how to explain it, but I feel cold, unwanted. Numb.”
“Did you stop going to church?”
It went much deeper than just church attendance. “Yeah, a while ago. I wasn’t connecting anymore, and it felt a bit hypocritical to keep going, given my feelings.”
“Maybe it’s just time for a change. Try out a different church.”
“That requires effort.”
“Are you saying you don’t want to put forth effort anymore when it comes to God?”
Ouch. “Well, when you put it that way, it sounds awful, but I’m trying to be brutally honest with you. No sugarcoating, just telling you exactly how I feel. What I’ve been struggling with.”
She touched his arm. “I’m not judging you, Hunter. I’m just trying to understand what the root cause of the issue is.”
“I don’t know the answer to that either.”
“You’re not alone. God is still here. Here with us right now, and I’m not going anywhere either.” She paused. “Maybe you don’t think He’s in your life because you don’t want Him there.”
She had just hit the nail on the head. “You might be right,” he said softly. “But I’m tapped out, Layla. I just don’t have it in me right now to have some big come-to-Jesus moment. I just don’t.”
“It doesn’t have to be like that. Hunter, you came to Jesus years ago. You told me about it, remember? We shared those stories together. Once you make that commitment, He’s all in forever.”
He checked his side mirrors, and everything was still clear. “You’re on a roll tonight, preacher.”
“I’m being serious. Don’t believe the lies you hear in your head. You are not too far gone.” She sighed. “I talked to you about the rough time I had after we broke up, but I also had a really rocky road after I split up with Nick.”
“Questioning your faith?” He had a hard time believing that, given what he knew about her.
“I’d say it was more anger than questioning. I didn’t like the person I’d allowed myself to become with Nick, and for a while I blamed God, thinking I could shift the blame from my own personal decisions and actions to Him. I went into a bit of a tailspin. But after I stopped feeling sorry for myself, I realized that yes, I had made mistakes, but God understood I was flawed. I didn’t have to wallow forever. I could pick myself up and move on, knowing that God’s love was enough. Definitely more important than the love and affection of any man.”
“Nick really did a number on you, huh?”
She shook her head. “No, it’s not fair to lay blame on him. I just allowed myself to be seduced by his power and influence. That isn’t the type of person I am at my core, but at that point in my life, I wasn’t seeing clearly. Nick was just being Nick. He treated me well, and I believe he did care for me a lot. Probably even loved me. But it wasn’t a healthy relationship. Our values didn’t line up, and instead of being strong, I allowed myself to be manipulated and fell into what he wanted instead of sticking to my guns.” She sighed again. “But I learned a lot of important lessons, including what it’s like to fall really far and be able to get up again. It wasn’t on my own strength, though. I thought I could make it on my own, but all of that showed me how much I need the Lord in my life.”
“You’re stronger than you think.”
“Maybe, but it’s also dangerous to think that we’re invincible. That we are in control of everything in our lives.”
“I rarely feel in control of anything.” He swallowed. That was an unexpected admission.
“But you shouldn’t feel uneasy about that. God’s got it. He’s got you.”
Her impassioned words struck a chord with him. Maybe he had been too boneheaded about his relationship with God. Thinking that he could just muddle through. Hearing what she’d been through and seeing how she handled herself made him rethink things.
Movement behind them caught his eye. A car was quickly gaining on them. “They’re back. Another vehicle.”
“This makes no sense. How could that be possible?” she asked.
A thought occurred to him. “I checked the inside of my vehicle for surveillance equipment, but I didn’t check externally for a GPS tracker.”
“That has to be it. Which means we’re like a homing beacon. We’ve got to get to a Metro station, dump the car, and move.”
Once again
