Slowly, he opened his eyes and his focus came back to me. The intensity rocked my world.
“You didn’t miss anything, baby. Is that what you think? That there was something you should’ve caught?” He didn’t wait for me to answer before he went on. “Jesus, Charleigh, you did nothing wrong. Everything about our life was perfect.”
“It wasn’t perfect or you wouldn’t have left me.”
“Wrong. Our life was perfect. It was me that wasn’t. After Doc told me I’d most likely never have kids, I was in denial. For weeks I just—”
The world froze in place.
“Wait. What?”
Words jumbled together in my mind. My brain felt like it was on the fritz, it had to be. I had to have heard him wrong.
“I wanted a family with you so badly. I wanted the future we’d talked about. I don’t know why that particular night everything crashed around me, but when it did, I couldn’t stop it. I wanted you to have everything you wanted. I knew you’d be an excellent mother. I knew I couldn’t deny you—”
“Stop, Holden. Most likely never have kids, or couldn’t have kids?”
“Same thing, baby. I couldn’t take that chance.”
Same thing? It wasn’t even remotely the same fucking thing. ‘Most likely’ and ‘never’ weren’t even in the same ballpark. Holden left me over “most likely”.
Fury consumed me. Righteous rage took over and I lost control.
“You asshole.”
I barely recognized my ravaged growl. In the far corners of my mind, I heard a tiny, little rational voice telling me to calm down. But it was too late. My temper flared, my heart shattered, my vision blurred. Anger took over and I was a woman possessed. If it could’ve, my head would’ve spun around in circles and my eyes would’ve caught fire.
I don’t remember how it happened, just that I felt the sting on my palm, heard the crack rent the air, Holden’s grunt of pain. Then my arms were trapped but I wasn’t done, I kicked and kneed and struggled and jerked my body this way and that, wanting to free myself so I could attack.
“Charleigh,” Holden grunted.
“Most likely,” I cried. “Most fucking likely. You left me over a maybe.”
There was more I wanted to say but the words escaped me.
“Leigh-Leigh, please listen to me. It wasn’t a maybe.” He paused and adjusted his arms around me, bringing me closer. I didn’t want to be closer, I wanted to be far, far away from him.
“I was exposed to radiation. My whole team was. Everyone was tested and the level was low enough, no one thought much about it. Until one of the guys reported he and his wife had been trying for a baby and they couldn’t conceive. Turns out, the problem was him. That meant we all got tested again. Baby, it had been years since the accident and my sperm levels were still low. I couldn’t have kids and I’ve made peace with it. But that night, us talking about all the babies we wanted to make, I broke. I had to admit I wasn’t enough for you. I’m half a man who cannot give his woman—”
“You’re so fucking stupid.”
“Come again?”
I ignored the hurt in his voice. I ignored my pain and anger. I was completely detached from the situation. This couldn’t be real. Years of heartache for nothing.
Fucking asshole.
“Low sperm count doesn’t mean you can’t have children. Did you get a second opinion? Did you talk to a fertility specialist or did you just take the word of an over-worked Navy doctor? I can’t believe you did this to us. After you explained, part of me understood, or at least I could empathize enough to forgive you for leaving me. Never being told I couldn’t have children, I couldn’t fully put myself in your shoes and how the shock and pain of that would lead you to run away from me—but I could forgive you because I know it would kill me to find out I couldn’t carry a baby.”
I shook my head. “We had so many options, Holden. I heard you when you said you didn’t want to put us through that, but you didn’t get to make that choice for both of us. Yet, I still forgave you.”
I pushed at his arms still encircling me. “I don’t think I can forgive you now. You took a maybe and turned it into a worst-case scenario and ran with it. You didn’t trust me enough to tell me, to talk to me about what the doctor said, to have a conversation about options, to let me be there for you while you were in pain. You took all of that away from me—from us. I thought I could, I wanted to, but I can’t.”
“Can’t what, Charleigh?” His voice had gone deathly quiet.
“Be with you. Make this work. Build a life and a family with you.”
He stiffened. “You can. We can. I’m so sorry. I was wrong, so damn wrong.”
“You were wrong. I love you, Holden. But—”
“Hold on to that, Leigh-Leigh, and fight. We can get through this.”
“I don’t—”
“Goddammit, don’t give up. Don’t make the same mistake I did. Fight, Charlotte. Yell at me, kick, punch, scream, but do not walk away.”
It wasn’t lost on me the regret that shone in his eyes. The sorrow in his words.
There was a knock on the door. Holden jolted and closed down.
Great. Splendid. More drama.
“Who’s here?” I asked him.
“The guy on the phone. Rhode. Let me answer the door and I’ll explain why he’s here.”
Dead. Cold. Distant.
Whoever this man was, he didn’t come knocking first thing in the morning on a Saturday to deliver good tidings.
Holden left the kitchen but I remained rooted, wondering how my life had once again gone to shit. Just like the first time it happened, it happened in the blink of an eye. One moment, we were discussing our future, the next that
