The couple walked across the street to a small park area with four benches and two open top steel cooking grills. The park showed recent neglect; the grass and weeds hadn’t been mowed recently, and the trash barrels overflowed. After sitting in the shade, Sam questioned JR while Smokey chased and returned a ball, “You’ve been too quiet since our shootout. Want to talk about it . . . need to talk about it?”
She sat silently pensive for several long seconds. “Three days ago, I never dreamed I’d ever have to kill another human; it was something completely alien to my nature. Shooting was something I learned only because it pleased my dad and fit my tomboy bent. . . . I planned to go dancing last Saturday night. That didn’t happen. Minutes after leaving work, I learned my family members were zombies, and I was running from dead people. Dead people are supposed to stay dead and be buried.” Turning toward Sam, she continued, “I don’t disagree with shooting those people; they forced it and deserved it. On one level I accept it was necessary and want to move on. But still I question why it had to happen . . . happen to me. I didn’t ask for it, didn’t do anything to cause it, didn’t want or plan to do it.” Her hands nervously fidgeted in her lap, fingers entwining with each other. “Trying to please my dad by being the son he didn’t get made me tougher than other girls; hell, I’m tougher emotionally and physically than most guys I know. But that’s the outside image of me. I’m still an emotional, caring woman inside; I’m not Bonnie Parker. Killing people is a huge step away from cussing too much, throwing a football, and being a tomboy.” She took the slobbery ball from Smokey and tossed it again. Wiped her fingers on her pants.
JR was silent for several beats. Sam made as if to speak, but she waved him off and shook her head. “I’m still working on how I feel about killing one person and wounding another so badly he likely died. I’m accepting it happened and feel sure I’ll be able to live with it in the future. But how many other assholes will force me to use violence against them to ensure our safety? I don’t want to become a cold blooded killer, but I sense that’s coming. I heard a saying kill or be killed somewhere in the past. I guess it will become the mantra of the zombie survivors because if they hesitate, they’ll not be survivors for long.”
Sam placed his hand on her arm and squeezed lightly. “I wish I could help you. I don’t even know where to start. It’s similar but not exactly like that for me. I know for certain those people had to be shot and killed to be stopped. What I didn’t expect was the feelings of knowing what had to be done up against the actual taking of those lives. Yet at the same time, I accept it will need to be done again in the future if we are to live and keep the material items we need to survive. But my feelings don’t help you deal with your issues.”
“Right. You can’t help with my emotional issues because you’re a man and don’t share them or understand them. Your genes dictated that you be the aggressor, the warrior, the protector. It’s your natural role. Although using full force raises issues, you make yourself do it anyway. My role is to be the child bearer and nurturer. That women’s lib crap where they want to make wusses out of men goes against nature. You are what you are, and I am what I am. And there are reason’s we’re what we are. Left alone we complement each other’s strengths and weaknesses.” JR took a deep breath. “I accept there are people born who emotionally straddle the two genes, but I don’t think trying to change ninety-five percent of us who know we’re male or female is logical. She stared ahead, “When did you first know you could shoot people who would need to be dealt with harshly?”
“Well, I guess for several years I’ve been aware of the term ‘toxic masculinity’, the aggressiveness extreme women’s libers rail against. I disagree with their vision of making the male and female genders blend emotionally into one new gender for the same reasons you do. I’ve always felt a responsibility to protect others when I could; that’s why soldiers fight to protect people in our country they don’t even know. As far as recent feelings, I accepted there would be violence as the zombie apocalypse started overseas. Several months ago I accepted there would be rogue humans who would impose their strengths on weaker people. They did it before even with law enforcement to contain and stop them. Without lawmen, I assumed the bad actors would be free to intimidate at will. We’ve seen that firsthand; this morning was a prime example. I vowed months ago to only let people go so far with that behavior. I feel when to react and how harshly to respond are issues we’ll need to decide as those occasions develop. I don’t have a set list of how much to tolerate before I react. The bottom line is, I’ll not let others take what
