“Aside from such difficulties, I think you did very well,” Lady Hayward went on, clearly now trying to encourage Selina. “Your confidence when you are amongst society is continuing to grow.”
Selina allowed her shoulders to slump as she looked towards Lady Hayward, seeing her smile at her and yet feeling a deep despondency within her heart.
“I am not like Anna,” she said, quietly, as Lady Hayward’s smile faded. “Would that I was.”
“Why should you think that?” Lady Hayward asked, sounding quite surprised. “As I have said to you before, Lady Selina, you are not required to be your sister! There is nothing wrong with the person you are.”
“But I wish I had as much confidence and assurance as she has!” Selina exclaimed, surprising herself with just how fervently she spoke. “I am nothing but a mouse, shrinking back from those who surround me. Instead of reaching out, instead of greeting those I am acquainted with, I wait until they recognize me, for fear that they will not be glad of my company should I step forward. It was never so with Anna! She was always willing, always eager to make her presence known to others, and she reaped the benefits of it!”
Lady Hayward took Selina’s hand in her own and turned towards her, looking at her firmly.
“Lady Selina, I have never seen any fault in your manner nor your character,” she said, as Selina swallowed hard, feeling sudden tears flood into her eyes. “You may feel as though you lack confidence, but I can assure you that you have done very well indeed these last few weeks. You do not need to replicate your sister in every way. She is your twin, yes, but that does not mean that your characters must be similar also! I will promise you that, should you attempt to model your behavior on that of Lady Anna, you will find yourself filled with distress and frustration, for you will be merely playing a part rather than allowing those around you to see you as you truly are.” Her hand let go of Selina’s, but not before she had given it a gentle squeeze. “If you are to find a suitable match, Lady Selina, then do you not want the gentleman in question to know your character as it is? To allow them to believe a pretense will bring no happiness to either of you.”
“But I dislike my shy nature,” Selina replied, her voice breaking with emotion. “I want very much to be as Anna is.”
Lady Hayward shook her head.
“You equate confidence with success,” she said, softly. “That is not so. I have seen many a young lady – and I speak of wallflowers here, Lady Selina – who have found themselves very happily settled with a gentleman of their choice. The gentleman in question is usually much as they are: quiet in nature, thoughtful and reflective. Can you imagine how difficult it would be for such a lady to pretend to be a gregarious, vivacious character, only to wed a gentleman who believed her to be so? She would have a constant struggle to keep up such a pretense, never once being able to reveal her true nature to him. That cannot bring happiness, Lady Selina. That cannot bring contentment. Find satisfaction and gladness with the character that you have and do not force yourself to take on your sister’s traits in the hope that it will improve you somehow. I assure you, it will not.”
Selina let out a long breath, nodded and looked down. She felt weak and tired, and suddenly had a very strong urge to return home.
“How can I be sure?”
“Trust me. Come with me,” Lady Hayward said gently. “I can see that you need a few minutes to rest. There is a quieter corner here where we might sit.”
Allowing Lady Hayward to lead her across the room, Selina took in long, steadying breaths and forced any tears that had attempted to return to her away once more. She had not meant to let out such an explosion of words such as she had done, but something about Lady Amelia and Lord Barrington had practically forced the words from her. She was very blessed indeed to have Lady Hayward as both her companion and her chaperone, for she was a lady who was filled with understanding and wisdom, who knew precisely what to say and how to encourage her. And yet Selina continued to fight the urge to be as Anna was, to try to find a way to feign the confidence that she had so often seen in her twin sister. But the truth was that, as hard as it was to admit even to herself, she was more reserved than Anna. She was quieter and inclined to be a little distant, even from her own family at times. Was it true that she might still be able to find a good match with her character such as it was? Her heart struggled to believe it.
“Now, I shall go and fetch us both something to drink,” Lady Hayward said, as Selina sat down in a chair, relieved to no longer be standing. “I will only be a few moments.”
Selina nodded and sat back, glad to have a few minutes of respite in which to gather herself. Her gaze roved aimlessly over the crowd of guests, seeing so many laughing and conversing together, clearly enjoying the evening.
There were none like her, she noted. None standing silently, their eyes downcast or sitting alone as they waited for someone to come and join them. Her heart sank a little lower – only for a frown to flicker across her brow as she saw none other than Lady Amelia and her friend, whom she had greeted when Selina had been still conversing with her. They walked quickly into the
