Willow chooses that moment to start fussing.
‘Is she due for a feed?’ I ask.
Wally checks the app and determines that she is. He brings her to me. As she latches on, he enters the feed time into the app. The ritual of this, even over the past twelve hours, is one I’ve come to quite enjoy. As she feeds, we watch her. It’s surprisingly satisfying. I’ve never found watching an adult eat enjoyable.
‘She’s a miracle,’ Wally says.
I think about that. ‘Well, no, not really. Pregnancies are actually biologically quite straightforward.’
He rolls his eyes. ‘Sure, but . . . you were on birth control. Which means, what were the chances? Point zero three per cent or something?’
I look at him. ‘I wasn’t on birth control.’
He blinks. ‘But you told me you were.’
‘No, I didn’t. Why would I say that?’
‘I don’t know, but you did say it,’ he says emphatically. ‘The first night. I remember it clearly. You told me it was safe.’
I frown. ‘It was safe. But what does that have to do with birth control?’
Wally closes his eyes for a moment, then he exhales and smiles. ‘Well, I guess that solves that part of the mystery.’
‘What do you mean?’
‘I mean . . . it explains how you mysteriously became pregnant.’
If Wally is bothered by this, he is keeping it well hidden. But his proclamation about ‘mysteriously’ becoming pregnant triggers a realisation that there is something I haven’t been clear about.
‘There’s something else I have to tell you, Wally,’ I say. ‘The pregnancy wasn’t an accident.’
Wally frowns. ‘What do you mean?’
‘Rose couldn’t have a baby. She confessed this to me when I found prenatal vitamins in her bag and assumed she was pregnant. It turned out she’d been trying for a baby for a while and couldn’t have one. So . . . I decided to have a baby for her. It sounds crazy, I know. I just thought . . . I can have a baby and Rose can’t. Why wouldn’t I help her out? It seemed so simple. Then . . . I met you and . . . and . . .’
‘. . . and you asked me on a date so you could become pregnant with a baby for your sister?’
‘Yes.’
Wally places both hands on his temples. ‘Wow.’
‘But by the time we had sex, I wasn’t even thinking about that anymore. I wasn’t thinking about–’
Wally walks to the corner of the room, shaking his head. ‘Wow,’ he says again. ‘It’s genius.’
‘What is?’
‘Rose,’ he says.
‘What do you mean?’
‘She must have known what you would do if you found out she couldn’t have a baby.’
I shake my head. ‘But she didn’t even tell me she wanted a baby, I found her prenatal vitamins.’
‘Which she just happened to leave lying around?’
I think about this. But I don’t believe it. ‘You think she did that on purpose? So I would realise she wanted a baby and try to have one for her?’
He shrugs. ‘I wouldn’t be surprised.’
‘Well,’ I say. ‘In any case. I’m sorry.’
Wally walks back to my bedside. He looks down at Willow. I’ll never get tired of the way he looks at her.
‘You know what’s funny,’ he says. ‘I’m not.’
When I’m released from hospital, we go back to Wally’s new flat, stopping by Rose’s en route to collect Alfie. Wally’s flat is in an older style building that reminds me a lot of my old place. He rented it a few months ago – things got so busy with FollowUp that he decided he needed a more permanent base. It still looks like he hasn’t properly moved in. He says it’s just a stopgap until we buy something bigger, but honestly, I quite like it. I loved my little flat.
Willow and I don’t leave Wally’s flat for the next forty-eight hours, and Wally only leaves to walk Alfie. Carmel is our only visitor, coming by to drop off a pile of books for me, a couple of takeaway hot chocolates and an adorable pink onesie for Willow. She said if I needed anything, she was just at the end of the ‘line’. I wasn’t sure what line she was referring to, but when I told her this, she just laughed and said she’d check in with me tomorrow.
Both Wally and I try to sleep when Willow sleeps, but we find, frustratingly, that we cannot tune our body clocks to the bizarre schedule of round-the-clock forty-five-minute naps, so we make do with merely resting while she sleeps. Sometimes we read or play a game of sudoku. They’re lovely, those little pockets of time we have together.
Two days after we get home from the hospital is a Thursday. My first Thursday, I realise, as a mother, and without a mother. The fact that I’m not visiting Mum is made both better and worse by Willow’s existence . . . though I can’t help but think what a magnificent Thursday it would have been if I could have taken my daughter to meet my mother.
Throughout the days, my thoughts drift indeterminately to and from Rose. Detective Brookes has kept me in the loop. After Rose’s arrest, she was remanded in custody and is now awaiting arraignment. She has been asking to see me, apparently. I tell Detective Brookes that I will see her, at some point. And I will. But for now, it’s a relief to keep my mind busy caring for Willow.
I’ve been at home for a week when Detective Brookes calls to tell me she’d like to see me at the police station. It’s not the usual first outing with a baby, which, according to my baby book, is generally to the doctor’s office or the maternal health clinic. Still, I feel okay about it, as I was given reasonable notice and was able to plan the best route to take and to ensure there will be ample parking for Wally’s van. As the baby book instructs, I allow extra time to account for baby-related
