“What's that?” I ask.
“I brought your mail in,” Sam says. “The box was getting a little full.”
He doesn't elaborate, but I know he worries about how accustomed I've gotten to the walls of my house. I work with him on cases occasionally, but if I don't have the distraction of an investigation or the mind-erasing routine of a night on the beat, this is where I stay. I know these walls, and they know me. He reaches for the stack and hands it to me. I sift through some junk mail and a couple of cards and letters from former colleagues at the Bureau. They've been trickling in for months now as people come to terms with me leaving Headquarters permanently.
I always knew there was going to be a time when I was going to have to make a final decision about the FBI. Creagan walked on eggshells around me for a good while after I discovered his prior knowledge of my mother’s involvement with Feathered Nest. It was a good choice on his part. He knew as well as I did that gave me leverage to make his life a living hell if I so chose. Both professionally and personally. But I focused on deciding my own future instead.
Since my first case back in Sherwood, when I was on modified leave, I always felt in the back of my mind that I would return to full duty at some point. My house was still sitting there waiting for me and I figured I’d move back eventually. The Headquarters was where I was used to being. But the longer I was away, and the more I've been through, the more obvious it's become that I can't go back to that. It was a safety hatch. A net I put under myself to make sure I always had another option. Just in case.
Just in case I couldn't bear to be back in the hometown I left behind.
Just in case I couldn't look at Sam's face and live with the choice I made.
Just in case I couldn't help being in this house, surrounded by memories of the days I spent here and the haunting thoughts of moments I never got to live.
But those fears didn't come true. It hasn't always been easy to be back here, but I can't look back. My house is still there, but now it’s what it was always meant to be. My father’s home. And I am now one of a little-known breed – FBI special agents living in communities and towns far away from any of the field offices.
Most people only think about the agents who are close to Headquarters in Quantico. Some others know about the field offices scattered across the country. Those offices ensure investigations involving areas that aren’t close to Virginia have access to the resources, technology, and agents they need.
Then there are those of us who live away from the offices. Often very specialized, these agents aren’t constantly working or out in the field. For some, such as hostage negotiators, they are brought in only during very specific situations when their individual skills are needed. For me, living in Sherwood as an agent means acting largely as a consultant and doing investigative work that can be done through research rather than leg work. Remote work means I can stay in Sherwood and stay involved in cases through video chats and email rather than having to be in the Headquarters.
When I’m needed for an in-person investigation, I travel. But that has been extremely limited over the last year. I haven’t been out in the field or doing any undercover work since Greg’s death. My only in-person work has been at the Headquarters and the last time that happened was several months ago. My face is still too recognizable to many people. I made too much of a splash when everything went down with my father, Anson, and Jonah, and, finally, Greg. In a rare moment of seeing eye to eye, Creagan and I agreed it would probably be best if I stayed out of the public eye for at least a little while. I couldn’t risk doing an investigation and having key players immediately recognize me.
There are times when I really miss being right in the middle of all of it. Headquarters has an energy about it that I feed off of. But that’s not for me anymore. My life here in Sherwood is where I’m supposed to be. It lets me work with the Bureau, help Sam when he needs me, and continue contemplating what a future might look like as a private investigator. For the first time in my life, I feel like I actually have the ability to choose my future. I don’t have to be tied to my past and stay in the same place because it’s the path I’ve been following.
Finding the answers I sought for so many years set me free. I’ll never feel like I know everything. There will never be a time when I’m totally at peace over what happened. But that’s something I’ve learned to live with. It’s like the haunted energy of a place where a life was ripped away or a scar across my skin. It will always be there. Nothing will change it.
So much of it still haunts me. But it’s not about my mother anymore. That part of my life, I can move on from. I’m not ready to move on from Jonah. There’s too much that hasn’t been explained. There are too many questions that haven’t been answered and too many threats that still linger. But the feeling is different. When I started investigating my mother’s death and my father’s disappearance, the Bureau was there for me. They were my opportunity. With their resources and the training they could offer me, I could not only pursue the mysteries of my past, but find vengeance for others.
Now I’m not
