“I'm coming with you this time,” Xavier pipes up. “No reason I can’t, right?”
“No,” I tell him.
“You're going to where she was, aren't you?” he asks.
“Lakyn?” I ask. “Yes. We will be near there.”
“I—I want to see it,” he says.
I hesitate. My eyes slide over to Dean, and he shakes his head slightly, but not with enough commitment to be completely rejecting the idea.
“Are you sure?” I ask. “It's pretty disturbing out there.”
“Don't you think I see it every day?” he asks. “Don't you think it’s in my nightmares? Every night, as soon as I close my eyelids? Don’t you think I see everything you told me? She was there because of me, Emma. I didn't kill her, but if she had never met me, she would be alive.”
“You can't think that way,” I say. “You can't do that to yourself.”
“It's not something I'm doing to myself,” he replies. “I can't create reality. Not anyone else's, anyway. But I can tell you it’s the truth. She listened to me when I told her what was happening. She believed me. She took my tangled mess and unraveled the truth. And she was willing to do whatever she could to prove my innocence. That meant unveiling The Order, and she came so close. She died for it.”
“Then I guess it's my fault,” I say.
“What do you mean?” he asks. “You didn't even know her. There's nothing you could have done.”
“But you said I was here because this has been waiting for me. That you have been waiting for me. If that's true, she died so that I would come,” I say.
The words taste bitter on my tongue and make my stomach feel queasy, but I need him to hear it. I can't let Xavier torment himself over Lakyn's death. What she did was her choice. She didn't deserve it. She was doing something incredibly courageous and selfless. But it won’t be in vain. And I won’t allow Xavier’s life to be lost for it, too.
“You aren't to blame, Emma.”
“And neither are you,” I say.
“I still want to see where she died,” he says. “I need to see it. I need to put those nightmares away. I need to brush away the worst parts; the parts my mind keeps showing me. I need to unravel it and see the truth. Like she did for me. So I can say goodbye. I never got that chance.”
I want to discourage him, but I can't force him to stay. This is a piece of his life. He deserves to experience it.
Xavier is silent as we drive toward the cornfield. He never stops moving. His head sways from side to side slowly, his eyes moving to cover every inch of the windows and windshield. He's taking it all in, scanning each pixel of reality so he can commit it to memory.
“I've been here before,” he suddenly says.
“You have?”
“Yes,” he nods. “I didn't know where I was or why. But we drove by here.”
“You and Andrew?” I ask.
“Me and Millie Haynes,” he says.
My breath catches in my throat. “Millie? Sterling Jennings' sister?”
“Yes,” he says. “I loved her once, but she's forgotten me now.”
I'm dying to know more, but we've gotten to the cornfield, and the expression on Xavier's face has totally changed. He's not distant anymore, not behind a misty veil of thought and memory. He’s locked in place. He looks on edge, as if he's going to climb out of the car in the next few seconds, whether I'm stopped or not.
I bring my car to a stop at one of the carefully placed markers positioned on the field. They were put in those specific places so that no vehicles drove over sections of the grid that hadn't yet been examined. Two officers stand guard to prevent anybody from getting too close to what is still a very active crime scene.
Most of the grid has been examined by now. But there are still sections to go, and as much as all of us hope the cornfield has already given up all its bodies, I feel the chances of that are slim to none.
“Evening, Agent Griffin,” Officer Parks says as I approach. “Is there something I can do to help you?”
“Just here to see something,” I say.
He steps out of the way, and I gesture for Dean and Xavier to go in front of me. The two officers try to watch us over their shoulders as we move into the cornfield. The stalks have been carefully cut down to clear the ground for the grid. But as we move farther away, it's harder for them to watch us without turning all the way around. Soon, they give up.
I silently lead Xavier toward the back of the field. I don't need any guidance or even time to stop and evaluate where I am. I'll never forget my way to this spot.
It's so different now than it was the night Dean and I followed Lakyn’s voice to come here, as if she was haunting us while she was still alive. We finally get to the blackened patch of growth. Her body killed everything trying to grow there. But next year, the land will flourish.
“This is where she was?” Xavier asks quietly.
I nod. “Yes.”
“You mentioned there was a cage over her,” he says.
“There was,” I say. “It was the only thing that kept the animals from tearing her apart.” I cringe. “I'm sorry.”
“Don't be. That's their way. They can't help it. They didn't know her, and she wasn't even her by the time they came. Which is why I wonder who put that cage there,” he says.
“We don't know,” I say. “The cage was processed, but there wasn't any interesting evidence on it. No DNA or fibers or hairs.”
“Was it heavy?” he asks.
“The cage?” I ask.
“Yes. Was it heavy?”
“No,” I say. “It wasn’t much stronger than chicken wire.”
He nods slowly. “Interesting.”
His head tilts to the side, and he turns slightly, rotating his body so his head is almost upside down and
