“Should I be okay?” he asks.
“I don't know,” I say. “You never told me about any of this.”
“I've never told anybody about any of it,” he sighs. “I don't even want it in my own brain. It's one of the most painful things that happened in my life, and I don't like to put it out into the world.” He looks out over the yard again. “I think about her all the time. He came after me. I was the one who should have been taken. But I fought him off, and I got away. And because of that, a four-year-old girl was snatched and murdered.”
“You can't do that to yourself, Dean,” I say.
“Why not?” he rounds on me angrily, then takes a moment to calm down. “It's the truth. I saw that guy in the woods. He was following me. I was the one he was after. I went down a bad spiral after that. Because I was a minor, the police wouldn't release my name or let me talk to anybody who was involved. I couldn't talk to Violet’s parents or tell my story on the news, anything that might have triggered somebody's memory. And it didn't take long for me to realize that there were two groups of police, and neither one of them was on my side. One group thought I was lying about everything. And one group thought that I had something to do with it.”
“Oh, Dean,” I sigh, wrapping him in a hug. He’s stiff, but after a few beats, he finally accepts it. We break the hug, and I pat him on the shoulder. He gives me a soft smile.
“You said there's a lot of it that you don't remember,” I break the silence. “Has it always been that way?”
Dean nods.
“Ever since I was pretty small, I've had memory lapses. It's not something I like to talk about with people. It makes me look irresponsible. As though I can't be trusted. I know that's how I felt about myself. The lapses weren't all that frequent before that day at the campground. Or at least, I didn't notice them as much. But there are whole pieces of that day missing, and those missing pieces mean I can't help Violet. I can't describe what the man looked like. I can't pinpoint exactly where we were when it happened. I don't know how much I fought or how I was hurt.”
“The case file says it looked as if your shirt was snagged on a tree and that your injuries were consistent with falling down the rocks,” I say.
He gives a short, mirthless laugh and shakes his head. “Of course it does. And you know what? For all I know, that might be true. Because I don't remember. It's just these little flashes. But I know he was right there. He came for me. For years after that, I just kept going down a really bad path. Then my mother was murdered. Murdock did his best to watch over me and take care of me, but he couldn't be there all the time. And I know I did a lot of things I shouldn't have. I tried to drown the memories and separate from that whole time.
“But then those four guys went missing, and they started talking about Violet again. Rumors about this unnamed witness floated around, and I couldn't escape it anymore. I had two choices. I could let it destroy me, or I could use it. I decided to use it."
He reaches in his pocket and pulls out a small black book. "I have this with me all the time. I write things down so I don't forget, or so if I don't remember, I can look back. It's not minute by minute, but it's enough. I started keeping a journal when I was first in the military. I never told you why I decided to join the Army, did I?”
“It was your only option. Your mother was gone, and you needed the structure,” I say.
He shakes his head. “I guess in a way that's right. The truth is that I did it for Violet. After going off the rails for years because of what happened, I realized it wasn't doing either of us any good. She was still gone, and nobody knew why or who did it. There were others. I knew I needed to do something. I lived that day, and Violet didn't. And there I was, just throwing away every day I got that she didn't. It disrespected her and her memory.
“So I changed. I decided that even if I couldn't see in myself something that was worth fighting for, I would fight for her. Every day I would strive to be worthy of taking her place in this world. From joining the military to getting into special forces, to becoming a private investigator, she has been in the back of my mind through all of it. Going into the Army was to save myself and have a chance at life, but I always knew it was shewho saved me.
“Even when I committed myself to finding you and seeking out justice for my mother, it was because of her. It was Violet sitting on my shoulder, telling me not just that I had to do it, but that I could. Since then, I have dedicated myself to paying for her life with every day of mine. And it's even more important now that I know who I am and where I come from.”
I wrap Dean in another hug. He protests, but I don’t care.
“No one should have to bear that alone, Dean.”
Chapter Twenty-One
“Creagan, I understand the Bureau's investigation of what happened at Arrow Lake in Sherando Ridge National Park didn't turn up anything, and it's been put aside. But no one was ever caught. And now a woman is missing.
