I can’t do this anymore.
The trial should have been the end of it. He should be in prison right now. Safe behind bars.
I should be safe.
But I’m not. I’ll never be, will I?
I stand in a rush, tears flooding my eyes, and walk with heavy steps to my bathroom.
Thump.
Thump.
The closer I get to my nightstand, the heavier my body becomes. It’s resisting me, fighting for survival.
Like I did in that special room.
I fought.
I fought until I couldn’t anymore, and then I fought some more. But it didn’t matter. He was stronger. He was faster. I didn’t stand a chance.
I’ll never be able to protect myself. I’ll always be trying to escape.
I rip open my drawer. An orange bottle of prescription pills rolls around inside, moving so much easier now that my knife is gone. I snatch it up, the pills inside rattling as my handshakes.
You can do this, Charlotte. Be brave.
It’s the only way. You want this to stop, don’t you?
One. Last. Escape.
Chapter Nine
Charlotte wasn’t in class today. Since I visited her on Saturday night, her apartment lights haven’t come on. I’m fighting with myself not to go there and knock on her door. I know she won’t want to see me.
I crossed the line.
Twice.
I don’t deserve to see her again. I know this. I’ve come to terms with it. But it doesn’t change the fact that I’m worried about her.
Worried?
I snort quietly to myself and shift on the driver’s seat. It’s the middle of the day—I shouldn’t be here. But I guess I’m past the point of logic right now. Nothing matters but Charlotte.
How do I fix this? How do I go back in time and undo what I did? How can I stop myself getting into my car every day, every night, and driving out here, and sitting in my fucking car?
Watching her.
Guarding her.
My steering wheel creaks as I tighten my hands on the leather. Guard her? From what? I hurt her. Not physically, emotionally.
I’m not an idiot. I know what that could do to someone like her. Someone who’s been through her ordeal. But I did it anyway because that’s how obsessed I am.
She could go to the police. They’ll revoke my license. I’ll lose my job.
And I don’t give a fuck.
I still want her.
More.
Every inch.
I laugh, the sound echoing comically in the confines of my cab. Sometimes I think it’s a curse that I went into my profession. But curiosity was what got me here in the first place. I wanted to know why I was so different from everyone else. Why everyone I knew could feel all these things that I couldn’t. How they could form healthy bonds with each other.
Somewhere behind me, a car alarm goes off. My eyes instantly move to Charlotte’s window.
Nothing.
I can’t take this. I have to know if she’s okay. If that triggers something, I’m okay with that.
As long as I know she’s okay.
Chapter Ten
“Charlotte!”
Blood sings in my ears. It drowns out all the sounds around me—my frantic panting, the shuffle of my suddenly heavy feet on the floorboards.
She tried to make it to the bathroom, but it was too far. She’s laying on her back, a streak of vomit down the side of her face, more in her hair. My hands are shaking so hard I’m scared I’ll hurt her as I hurriedly turn her onto her side, dragging her leg up so she’s in a recovery position.
I press fingers to her neck.
Breath only enters my lungs again when I feel that faint, almost indistinguishable thrum of a pulse under my fingertips.
Relief washes through me in a prickle of hot and cold. I sink back on my heels and wipe my hair out of my face as I stare down at her.
In a flash, my eyes dart up to her bedroom door.
Those fucking pills.
I saw them the first night I broke into her apartment. I’m thorough. They disturbed me back then, and now I know why.
Too strong.
Too tempting.
They give her the peace of sleep, but she sleeps like the fucking dead when she’s taken them. Dangerous. She never even knew I came to visit her. Even when her eyes flickered open and she saw me standing by her bed, there was no recognition in her eyes.
Even when I slid my hands under the covers, she couldn’t resist. I didn’t dare penetrate her back then—but she’d moan when I touched her tits and when I stroked her pussy through her underwear.
Those sounds were the only thing that kept me going. They helped me endure the torture of seeing her in my class and not being able to touch her. Not being allowed to kiss her.
But it all became too much. When she kissed me, the dam broke. There was no stopping that tsunami of passion.
Love.
For the first time in my life, I understood.
Even now, staring down at her comatose body, her pale, puke-streaked face…I’ve never seen anything more beautiful.
“I love you, Charlotte,” I murmur, wiping a strand of hair from her face. “I love you more than you’ll ever know. And I need you in my life. Now, forever.”
A fond smile curls up the corners of my mouth.
“You don’t have to be scared anymore. I’ll take care of you.”
Now. Forever.
Chapter Eleven
Professor Fyre looks so handsome today. He’s wearing a tan blazer that brings out his olive skin and dark hair, and every time he smiles, he flashes his perfect teeth at me.
Okay, maybe not just at me.
A pang of jealousy hits me at the thought I’m sharing Fyre’s adoration right alongside Fredericka or Graham.
But I’m a big girl.
I can handle it.
There’s a lot of shit I can handle these days. Maybe my suicide attempt did something to reset my brain.
My mouth shifts to the side as Fyre beams at Fredericka’s project. He crouches beside her chair just like he did with me a few weeks ago, nodding enthusiastically as she explains the deep meaning in her playdough
