I restrained the sniffle that pulled at my nose, fighting against the burn in my eyes and throat. "At least he wasn't alone."
"Yeah," Enzo said. "I guess that's all we can ever hope for really. Not to be alone when it all ends, and for the people we leave behind to know how much we loved them. His family knew, without a doubt, that he loved them more than anything."
I said nothing. I could have offered empty platitudes and words of reassurance about how he'd died fighting for something he believed in. That he'd made his family proud. But in the end, it was all irrelevant.
Gone was gone.
No matter how much we wanted to bring them back or make sense of the senseless death.
So I snuggled harder into his side, breathing in his scent and offering him the only comfort that I thought mattered in that moment. Enzo was such a physical man, wrapping my arms around him and squeezing him tightly felt like the only path to take. "I'm glad you made it home," I whispered, even as guilt consumed me for thinking it.
I was selfish enough to admit that I wouldn't have wanted Enzo to trade places with Logan. The idea of never meeting him, of never knowing him, saddened me more than I wanted to admit. Enzo couldn't die a statistic in a war he didn't believe in before I ever got to meet him.
If that made me selfish, then I'd be selfish for the rest of my days.
"I didn't bring you here to make you cry. Believe it or not," Enzo chuckled against the top of my head, making me crack a smile despite the bleak subject. "His last words to me were to live. I don't think I really did that until I met you."
"Lorenzo," I murmured, burying my face in his chest to fight back the flood of tears.
"You make me want to live, Baby Girl."
"I know the feeling," I whispered, feeling vulnerable with even that slight admission. He still terrified me, past fear that I’d ever felt before. But in the face of death and loss, risking my heart to Enzo felt like an inevitability.
He’d already worked his way beneath my skin and imprinted himself on my heart. All that remained was to see if he shattered it.
"My sisters always said that you should put the effort in when you tell a woman you love her for the first time. That you should show her you want to give her the world and leave no doubt that it isn't a throwaway statement." My heart stalled, fingers tightening around his waist. I couldn't bear to look at him, staring at the city in the distance instead.
"You don't have to do this. I don't —"
"Life is too short, Carina. We're at war with Murphy. If anybody knows how precious it is to tell people you love them while you can, it's me." His finger caught my chin, tilting my face up to meet his eye as terror must have filled mine. "I love you. I love you just the way you are. I love that you're stubborn as an ox, and I love that you aren't a perfect cookie-cutter shaped woman. You have jagged edges and cracks, but they only make me love you more."
Trying to shove down the hope surging in my chest, I felt the need to do what I did best. Deny the seriousness of the conversation and the relationship in general. I huffed a laugh. "You won't even sleep in a bed with me, Enzo."
He winced, looking sheepish for a moment before he cupped my cheek and ran his fingertips over my jaw. "I have nightmares. It's been a long time since I slept with anyone in the same room as me, but I used to get violent in my sleep back in the barracks. I've hurt people because they hesitated to hurt me since they know I'm not seeing them. I'm back in combat, someone I love bleeding out in my arms, but the face always changes. I want to sleep next to you more than anything, but I can't risk hurting you."
"I'm not so fragile, Enzo. And I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but whether you're dreaming or not, I won't hesitate to put you on your ass if you come at me. I know you well enough to know you'd rather nurse an injury than deal with the guilt of hurting me," I said sternly.
"One day we'll try it, but this thing with Murphy has me more on edge than usual. I'm dreaming more often. I just want to wait until we can hope for success rather than setting us up to fail. Can you give me that?" he asked. I snuggled back into his chest, enjoying the view as I nodded.
Knowing that he didn't avoid sleeping with me because of some lack of emotion helped, but I still couldn't bring myself to return the words just yet. He didn't acknowledge my lack of them or push me to supply something I wasn't ready for, instead turning his attention to the cooler and pulling out containers filled with food with a tender look on his face.
I wasn't naïve enough to think he'd wait for long before he started pushing, but I was grateful for the brief reprieve to gather my thoughts, regardless.
I'd never told a man I loved him, and it scared me because I felt like I'd never be the same once I did.
Going back to Indulgence for the first time after Enzo fucked me in his office made my thighs clench
