“Do you think I’m over my husband’s death? I ask because Lucy doesn’t think so and since you’re watching me …”
“What do you think?” Her warm breath washed over his skin, with the hint of juniper berries and citrus.
“I think I’m doing rather well, considering. Sure, I’ve had the odd episode that leaves me shaky, I expect that. Does one ever get over a partner’s unexpected death?”
He touched his hand to her elbow, guided her around the broken glass, over to the window where they stood and stared out into the night sky. Hamish put his hands in his pockets, felt the old bus tickets between his fingers` and stared down at her. “I remember when my father died. I was in my early twenties and had only just hung up my shingle, started working as a psychologist, fresh out of training. Funny thing was, I thought I knew it all and I probably did to an extent if you consider how well I did in my studies.” He laughed. “Typical young person’s disease. We think we know everything but it’s rarely true, is it? The problem was, I didn’t have the life experience an older person would have had. I tried to tell my mother she would get over her grief and to remember the good times to get her through it all.”
Billie raised an eyebrow but didn’t make eye contact.
“It wasn’t until the first anniversary of Dad’s death that I finally got it. She hadn’t only lost her husband, she’d lost her best friend, her confidant. They were a great team, my parents, and her whole life was thrown into disarray. She was devastated. I should never have brushed off her concerns so easily, but I thought it was the right thing to do to stop her wallowing in her grief.” He swallowed. “I thought she would heal faster if she made a concerted effort to move on, make a life without him. It wasn’t only that though. Yes, Dad had died, but I’d lost my father too.” The pain came back with a rush. “She thought she had to be the support for both of us and didn’t give herself enough time to grieve. So my answer to you is no. Even though the heartbreaking sadness goes eventually, there’ll always be something that reminds you of the one you lost. A simple gesture or a date that meant something to the pair of you which will give you a moment of wistfulness or sadness.” He smiled when she finally made eye contact with him. “Does that answer your question?”
Billie wrapped her arms around herself and heaved a sigh. She seemed to mull it over before answering him. “You could be right. It’s funny, I suppose. Some days I swear I’m all good and then there are days when I don’t want to even acknowledge he’s gone.” A pause through which he kept his silence. “Trying to analyse me and my problems won’t fix the mistakes you made with your mother. You need to ask forgiveness from her, not me.”
She’d hit it on the nail. He stuck his hands in his pockets and gave her points for insight. “I know. And I’m sorry. I should have spoken to you first about what I was doing.”
“Yes, you should have.”
“It was the reason I gave up practicing, I think. I’d made a monumental mistake and it hurt deeply. It haunted me actually. I decided that my skills might lie better in teaching than trying to fix everyone. I thought it would work too. It has for a while, until now anyway.” He laughed, the sound bitter to his own ears. “And here I am again, trying to fix you. But Billie, I would like to be your friend and if I can help in any way, please let me. You can’t repair everything on your own, you know. Sometimes just a shoulder to lean on, an ear to listen while you try to make sense of the loss makes all the difference.”
“Maybe, but I’m trying. I really am and I’m sorry you got caught up in that with my mother. I hate that she’s keeping something from us. I mean, she doesn’t want me to do my job and doesn’t think it’s fair to offer me any explanation?” Hamish watched her getting worked up and immediately paired Lucy and Billie with the same personality traits. “My mother always was the secretive type. Doesn’t fly with me, especially if it’s going to impact on my life.”
“You’re right, she is holding something back.” Frederick stepped into the room and they both turned at the same time. “I’m terribly sorry, Billie. I wasn’t expecting that at all and before we go any further, I have an apology to make. To you and to Hamish.” He went to the drinks trolley and refilled his glass. “Before you came I asked Hamish to keep any eye on you. I thought considering his area of expertise, that if you needed a shoulder to lean on or a sympathetic ear that we couldn’t provide for you, being too close perhaps, Hamish might fit the bill. Someone closer to your own age. Not a couple of old fogies like your mother and me. I see now that it was unreasonable to expect him to do that and unkind of me to try to steer you in that direction. I hope you can forgive me and still be friends with each other.”
“Seriously, Father, how can I be angry with you? I know you only have my best interests at heart, but honestly, I’m doing fine
