“Why? Isn’t it normal progression to have children by the man you love?” Sue leaned forward to pat her hand.
“For most people, yes, but I had big plans and wasn’t ready to swap my laptop for a nappy bag. Somehow I couldn’t see myself pacing the nursery at night with a crying baby, trying to work out where my next series was going to go. He wasn’t really the man I thought he was after living with him for a while so that didn’t help either. We fought over it for months. I wanted another couple of years to cement my career with the big screen writers. After finally convincing Peter we would have children eventually, just not immediately, he agreed.”
Del looked out the window, playing the memory back over in her mind. “I fell pregnant, an accident because I was on the pill. I didn’t want to keep the baby, it didn’t fit in with my plans, and I freaked out. My well-rehearsed life unraveled before my eyes.” She looked back at Sue, and winced at the pity on the woman’s face. “Peter fought me and, in the end, he walked out. He said if I was cold enough to abort our child, what did our future hold?” Del sighed and bit her bottom lip. “I went ahead with it on my own. I guess it was Karma, but something went wrong. I got an infection. Now there is a real possibility that I will never have children, even if I want them.”
“And your point is what exactly?” Sue leaned on her arms on the table, watching Del’s face.
“I put myself first. It was selfish of me, I get that, and now I don’t know how I feel about kids or the fact I may never have any. What if I always feel like they come last in my life? I can’t do that to Blake. His kids come first, we both know that, Sue.”
“Yep, you got that right, but don’t you think you are going just a little bit overboard here? I mean, he has Lilly and Royce. Who says he wants more kids?”
“But what if I have to put myself and my career before them?”
“I don’t see you as that selfish, Del.”
“I gave up my child. How Blake will see that?”
Sue raised an eyebrow and twitched her lips. “You won’t know until you talk to him about it. Guess you have some serious thinking to do then, don’t you?”
“I love him, but would I ever really fit in here?” She poked at a spot of play dough on the tablecloth, scratching it off with a nail that desperately needed a manicure.
“You seem to be doing alright so far. See, I think your problem is you think too much. Everything doesn’t have to be put in pigeon holes, you know. Some things you just have to trust your heart on. Go with the flow and see where it takes you.”
“Funny you should say that. It’s so not how I operate. I doubt I could ever let myself do that. The need to ‘pigeon-hole’ as you say is how I keep myself sane.”
“If you want a man who will love you through thick and thin, he’s down in the shed working his butt off. Tell him or not, that’s your call.”
“I don’t know if I could live with myself holding back something that important.”
“Then you know what you have to do. Now I must go and get my ration of cuddles to last me for the next couple of weeks until I catch up with the little ones again. Keep your chin up, honey, you’re doing a great job.” Sue stood and gave her a hug before heading to the bedroom to say farewell to Lilly.
Once Sue had left, it was time to sort out the recipes for the baking session with Bluey. Del positioned herself at the kitchen table and flicked through the pages of the recipe book. She had a pen and paper handy to make notes of what took her fancy, and Lilly waited to help check out the pantry for supplies. Keen to do more baking, the little girl was eager to begin.
“These look pretty.” She placed her hand on the book to have a look. The page was open at the jam drop cookies. “You could help with these ones and they seem pretty basic. Not that I know anything about it, of course.” Del looked up at Lilly. “What do you think?”
“Yes, I like those.” The thumb went back into her mouth and she leaned into Del.
“I’m pretty sure we will have everything in the pantry.” She picked up the pen and noted down the ingredients. “Now, we need to find something pretty as well that will stun everyone with our fantastic non-existent baking skills.” Together they hummed and discounted a few ideas until they came to a picture of fairy sponge cupcakes. “Oh, how sweet.”
Lilly took out her thumb and poked a damp finger at the picture. “These ones. Bluey can do that, I know he can.”
“You think? I always heard sponges were difficult. Maybe because they are little ones it will be easier. Right, that should do it, let’s check out the pantry.” They took the note pad and checked off everything they needed was available. Thanks to someone’s great organization skills, everything they wanted was on hand, even pretty cupcake papers. “Now all we have to do is wait for Bluey to help us.”
Chapter 10
Blake watched his daughter hanging onto every word Delilah said. She had a smear of flour on her cheek and a frown of concentration on her little face that made his heart ache. She was missing out on so much not having a mother in her life, and the first
