“I still have access to a couple of sites via my overseas persona that will let me into something in this country. Want me to try and log in and get back into the swing of things?” That familiar hollow feeling crept up into her gut. Ryder was about to enter the depraved world of paedophiles again, a place that gave her nightmares for months after her last visit. To take away the grief in the parent’s eyes, she would do it. But a hot bath and extra cuddles with her own child would be the only thing that would keep her sane.
“Yes please, and let Mick sit with you. He can do with the exposure and experience.” Jake seemed to send her a silent message with his gaze.
“Are you sure? It wont be pretty, Jake.”
“No, I can do it. Let me watch, Ryder. I have to learn and I want to learn with you since you have so much experience nobody else has.”
“I know and it might be hard to take, Mick but you’ll be learning from the best and I would hate to see that chance go to waste.” He raised his eyebrows at Ryder, waiting for her to answer.
“Fine by me, but please don’t blame me for your nightmares in the coming days.” She bit her bottom lip and turned to Mick when he made a snorting sound. “What, you don’t believe me?”
“Not sure really, but you two make it sound like the end of the world. I get that they’re despicable people, but can it really be any worse than what I’ve already seen?”
“It’s the worst thing you will ever see, no matter what you think.” Ryder flexed her hands and pulled the keyboard closer, her fingers soon flying over the keys. “Welcome to my worst nightmare. And if you need to throw up your breakfast, don’t tell me about it or apologize. Just slip out, hurl, and get yourself together because no matter what you think is bad, its going to get worse. That I can promise you.”
Once Ryder was in the zone, the outside world ceased to exist for her. Anything could have happened around her and she wouldn’t have taken the slightest bit of notice. Posturing as Marvin, a sixty-nine year old professional white male based in Sydney, she slowly eased her way back into conversations with people she hadn’t spoken to for over a year. When she logged off for lunch and a change of pace, Mick had paled in comparison to his usual look.
“Told you it was rough.” Ryder opened her home made lunch wrap and sat down with a large coffee.
“How do you do it? I mean, how do you let it not get to you?” His eyes had the haunted look she usually accredited to rookies seeing their first dead body.
“This is a tough job, no bones about it. It wasn’t until I got more involved with the FBI that I really immersed myself in all things deep and disturbing though.” She took a bite of her wrap and chewed. “As much as it’s violent and horrible to look at and be part of, it has to be done. I can’t in all honesty let those kids be treated like that without a fight and if pretending to be one of them does the job and returns at least one child to their family, it’s a job well done.”
“Oh, I agree. But to see what they say makes my skin crawl. I don’t know if I’ll ever get clean again.” Mick shuddered. “How do you cope, knowing some of them are the same age as your little girl?”
“Wine helps. So does knowing I’m keeping her safe by getting my foot in the door and masquerading as one of them.” She put down her lunch and patted the chair next to her. “Sit.” When he did as Ryder requested she leaned her chin on her hands and looked at him. “It’s a horrible thing to say, but you have to grow a thick skin. Some of those kids won’t make it, in fact most of the ones you see online won’t ever get to go home again. There’s no way the academy can prepare you for something like this, Mick, and it’s okay to get upset over it. Hell, you wouldn’t be human if you didn’t, but know this—if I can save just one kid, it’s worth getting their filth in my brain so I can pass as one of them. I might not sleep at night for weeks after I get involved, but so what? At least I get to send a child home or stop one depraved bastard from doing it again.” Ryder touched his shoulder, giving him a friendly pat before going back to her lunch.
He nodded his head, screwing up his eyes as though trying to forget what he’d seen in the chat room. “They’re not human. They’re animals.”
“I know that. Unfortunately, there are far too many people in the world that tag could belong to and believe me, I’ve seen more than my fair share.”
“Is that the reason you came back here? Cause you’d had enough?”
She chose her words. “Mainly, yes. The other reason is my husband died on a robbery I was involved in. I couldn’t bring myself to stay in that environment any longer, but on the same token, I couldn’t leave the profession entirely.”
“Once a cop, always a cop kind of thing?”
“Yeah, you could say that.”
Finally, toward the end of her shift, a direct message came through alerting Ryder with a ping on her computer.
“Show time.” She flexed her fingers and sat down, losing herself in the moment.
Missed you, M.
Really? That gives me a warm fuzzy feeling, Fletch.
Where have you been?
Enjoying life and the fruits of my labours. You?
Around. Been a while since you were on.
Yeah well, I was
