“That’s only part of it.” He got up and went to her.
Laura was standing in her bare feet, leaning against a wall and looking out at the East River. Her eyes were fastened on the night lights of the city. Jack touched her shoulder.
“Laura, darling, I’ve loved you for a long time…ever since we met, I think. I’ve never loved you less than I did at the start. And now I love you much much more. Just the fact that you were willing to try for a child means the whole world to me. Even if it never works out. I can’t love you with my body. You wouldn’t want it even if I could. But I don’t think I’ve ever loved anyone as much as you, honey. Not even the lovely boys I could never resist. Not even Terry; and there never was a lovelier one. When all the sweat and passion are over with there’s nothing but ashes and melancholy. Nothing’s deader than a gay love that’s burned out. But with you… I don’t know, it just goes on and on. It’s steady and comforting. It won’t fail me, no matter what. It gives me a little faith—not much, but a little—in myself. In people. In you.”
Laura turned her head away so he wouldn’t see the tears. “Laura, you can say what you please but you’ll never convince me that I did a cowardly thing marrying you. A selfish thing, yes. A hell of a selfish thing. I think I would have gone to pieces without you. But I wasn’t running away from my old life as much as I was running to a new one.”
Suddenly Laura felt a big ugly need to fight. Maybe it was just to let off steam after a nerve-wracking afternoon. Maybe it was to make her forget how guilty she felt about Beebo. Probably it was both.
Laura turned and walked away from him, feeling his hand slip from her shoulder, unwanted and unsure. “Well, I don’t know why you left the Village but I think I know why I did. Finally,” she said. Her voice was hard and she knew she was going to hurt him and she cringed from it almost as much as he did. And still she spoke, compulsively. “I left because it was the only way I could see out of my problems. You were my escape hatch, Jack. You were just too damn convenient.”
“That’s my charm,” he said harshly. “Ask Terry.”
“It isn’t the first time I’ve run away from my problems. I ran away from Beth in college. I ran away from my father. From Marcie—remember her? She was straight. I didn’t find out till I tried to make love to her.”
“I remember. You ran straight to me. And if you hadn’t you’d be enjoying a protracted vacation in a mental institution at this moment.”
“You helped, I admit it. I don’t know what I would have done. But that’s not the point. The point is, that here I am doing it again. Running away. Not to you this time, but with you.”
“So?” he said. “So we run away. So what the hell? Let’s run. Who gives a damn? What’s eating you, Laura?”
“It’s wrong, that’s what! You told me when we left the Village I’d get over it and Beebo didn’t matter…she’d survive. And I believed you. Until today.”
“And now you think she won’t survive?” he asked bitingly. “Because of something she did ten months ago while you were still living with her?”
Laura was swallowed up for a moment in a sob. “I want her!” she gasped finally. “Oh, God and Heaven, I want her!” And she stamped her foot like a furious child.
When she was quiet enough so he could talk without shouting, Jack said, “Sure. I want Terry. But we’re poison together. So are you and Beebo. If you go to her you’ll come running back to Uncle Jack before the month is out. Fed up all over again. Only this time there’ll be a difference. This time Beebo really will commit mayhem. Or murder. Or both. And if you don’t run fast enough, Mother, it may be you she murders. I wouldn’t put it past her.”
“I want her back!” Laura amazed herself with her own words, words she never meant to say. Jack stared at her, his face pale and determined.
“You can’t have her.”
“Jack,” she said, suddenly pleading, “let me go to her. Just for a week or two. Please. Please let me.” She walked toward him as she spoke, her arms extended.
“No,” he said flatly. “Two weeks, hell.” He was afraid she wouldn’t ever come back.
“Jack, I wouldn’t stay. I’d come back to you.”
“No!” It was absolute. He couldn’t take the chance. “We’ve had all this out. We agreed to it before we got married.”
“Jack, darling—”
“I won’t talk about it, Laura. You can’t go back to her and that’s final.”
“But only for a week or two, just a few days…”
“You’re my wife,” he blazed so fiercely that she stopped in her tracks, startled. “You’re my wife and you’re not going to live with any Lesbian in any Village! Not while I live!”
She tried once more. “Jack, don’t you understand? For the first time I’m beginning to realize how I feel about her, how I always felt. Tris made me realize it a little. And now Lili. And even living with you—”
“Living with me has made you lonesome for women, that’s all. And Beebo’s a handy woman. Goddamn it, Laura, I never denied you women. I’ve encouraged you. Admit it, go on! I’ve asked you to chase a few broads. It’s not my fault if you’ve developed an itch. Go out and have yourself a fling; you should have done it long ago. I don’t give a damn, only don’t go to Beebo. And come back. Come back here, you understand? If you don’t I’ll come after you! And I’m capable of mayhem myself!”
She looked at
