“Let me look at you!” Beth cried, throwing Laura to the floor and falling on her. Laura tried to scream again but Beth kissed her savagely and bit her neck and shook her shoulders till her head hit the floor painfully.
“Stop! God!” Laura moaned. “Beth, stop!”
“An hour ago you weren’t too good for me,” Beth sobbed. “Now all of a sudden you don’t want to be touched.”
“I don’t want to be hurt. I can’t stand to be hurt,” Laura said, tears on her face.
“I’m not welcome, I’m not loved, I’m not understood,” Beth went on in a strangling voice. “And you—you don’t give a damn, do you? You stand there and comb your hair and turn your back on me and throw cold water in my face and tell me to go to hell—” Her face was scarlet and Laura, terrified, threw her hands up to protect herself.
But Beth didn’t know how to hurt her. She was lost. All she had was her thoughtless fury, her shapeless unhappiness. It all came together inside her and exploded in bitter kisses, sharp bites, and sudden agonized passion. She vented it all on Laura and it gave her only a sour sort of satisfaction to know that Laura couldn’t resist it, that Laura had succumbed to the animal fury of it and let herself go.
Beth lay beside her on the scratchy wool rug and sobbed when it was over. And then, slowly, she was overcome with a deep lassitude, a suspension of mind and emotions that would finally let her come back to normal.
Laura sat up beside her and stroked her back and after a while she said in a low voice, a voice that let Beth know she was forgiven, “Have you any idea what a shock it was? Do you suppose I didn’t dream of making love to you every day and every night for over a year after I left you? Do you think I hadn’t imagined every detail of it? I’d have given my soul for that experience once. Only, Beth, it came too late. It was beautiful, it was so beautiful this morning. I can’t pretend I’m sorry, I can’t pretend I would have done it a different way. But that’s just it, you see. It’s as if my reaction were planned years ago. As if the whole thing went according to plan in spite of me. I saw you, suddenly, with no warning, the way I always dreamed I’d see you. And we were alone, the way I always dreamed we’d be. And we made love.”
Beth rolled over to look at her; at her lovely body with the fresh marks of teeth and nails in vulnerable spots. Beth touched the bruises and wept. “I’m sorry. I had to—”
“I know, I know. Just like I had to be nasty. It’s over now. We can be friends now. Can you understand that, Beth?”
Beth heard, clear and genuine, the pity in her voice and she said, “I understand that you made love to me, that you wanted me, that it wasn’t any different than it ever was, this morning.” Then she paused, hovering between defiance and adoration. “That’s all I understand.”
“That’s not enough,” Laura said gently. “Grow up, Beth. Your problems aren’t hopeless, you can solve them. You don’t need me, you need yourself.”
“If I hadn’t started talking, if I’d just kept my damned mouth shut and stayed in bed with you, it would have been all right.”
“Do you know how many times you’ve said ‘if’ this morning?” Laura said. “If only this, if only that—everything would have been all right. That’s a child talking.”
They remained a moment in silence and then, as if with one accord, got painfully to their feet. Beth couldn’t look Laura in the face.
“I hope I didn’t hurt you!” she said. “I’d rather die than hurt you.”
“No. I’m all right.”
“Do you want me to leave?”
“No, of course not,” Laura said. Beth’s eyes climbed only as high as Laura’s breasts, faltered, and fell again.
“Are you in love with that girl? Betsy’s piano teacher?” she said.
“I was.”
“No more?”
“Not so much. But I wouldn’t do anything to hurt her.”
“Not till Betsy can play the ‘Minute Waltz,’ at least.”
“You didn’t hurt me till you learned how to play at love from me,” Laura reminded her. “You were no fool You didn’t get rid of me till you were sure you didn’t need me anymore.”
Beth deserved the dig. She finished dressing silently, with ferocious concentration, still ashamed of the hungry love and revenge she’d forced on Laura.
Laura slipped a negligee over her torn slip and watched Beth without speaking.
“Stay and have lunch with me,” she said when Beth had finished, but Beth wanted to get away from her.
“I thought once I’d found you I’d hang on for dear life,” Beth said. “But I’m so full of feeling, so damned mixed up, I don’t think I could bear to sit here and let you watch me puzzle it out. I just want to be alone.”
“Whatever you say,” Laura said. “How about dinner?”
“I don’t know.” Beth looked at her and the corners of her mouth trembled. “You never find what you set out looking for, do you?” she whispered. “Damn. It’s queer. Life is so queer.”
Laura could see the bitter disappointment on her face and she put her hands tentatively on Beth’s waist.
“I want you to come back, Beth,” she said softly. “I’ve been hard on you, but I had a right to be. You got even. So we’re square.”
Beth still couldn’t face her. “Do you love me still?” she asked again.
“I’ve already said it.”
“Say it just once more. I’ll think of it before I think of the other things. The
