“Well—because Fm a little ashamed, I guess. Because I’m sorry, Laur. I didn’t want to hurt you.”
“You didn’t have to. Why didn’t you just tell me you were going to see him again?” She couldn’t keep the bite out of her words.
“Because I didn’t know it myself, honey.”
“You didn’t?” Laura gazed past her coolly and out the window.
“Oh, Laur, honey—” Beth tried to think of something better to say, but there was nothing. “No, I didn’t.”
“Beth, I didn’t ask you not to see him again. You said you wouldn’t see him again. You said it, not me. It was your idea. If I had asked you not to and you’d agreed—that would be different. But I didn’t ask for anything. You went back on your word, Beth, after you gave it voluntarily.” She was shaking with the force of her feeling, and she worked to keep her voice steady.
“Laura, honey, I—He called. He got my number. I didn’t know. And when I talked to him, it—I owed him an explanation, Laur. I couldn’t just drop him. Everyone thinks I dropped him because you still have a crush on him, don’t you see? But he knows you don’t, Laur.”
“He knows?” Of course he knew. He took her out as a favor to her father. But did Beth know about her family, then? Had he told her of the divorce?
“Yes. He said your fathers were friends. He said you didn’t have a crush on him at all. I had to see him—explain it—say something. I had to, don’t you see?”
“I see,” she said. “How did he figure all this out? If he knew I didn’t have a crush on him, why did he think you wouldn’t see him for my sake?”
“Well, I don’t know. I—”
“Why didn’t he figure out that there might have been another boy in your life? Or family troubles? Or something he did wrong? Why didn’t he figure out any of those things, Beth? How come the first thing he thought of was me?”
“Laura, I—he didn’t, exactly.”
“Well, exactly what did happen, Beth?” She felt furious tears start up.
“He talked to Emmy, Laur. Emmy thought I wouldn’t see him because of you. It was her idea.”
“What right does Emmy have to go blabbing to him? What right does Emmy have to think anything about us?” She caught her breath, looking for words to cut with. “Why can’t Emmy mind her own business and leave us alone?”
“Laur, please don’t get excited, honey.”
“Answer my question!”
Beth sighed and looked at her hands. “Emmy wanted to help. She knew I was unhappy. She knows me pretty well.”
“Well, I guess I don’t want to help and I don’t know you at all and I made you unhappy. Is that it?”
“Laura—”
“Well, is it, Beth?” Suddenly an awful fear overswept her anger. “Oh, Beth—can’t we be happy?” she pleaded. “We were so happy before. What happened? Why does Charlie matter?” The tears spilled over. “Do we have to quarrel and make each other miserable like this?”
“Oh, baby. No, no, we’ll work it out. Somehow.” She reached for her and Laura cried in her arms.
“Beth, we have such a beautiful thing together. We just can’t let anything happen to it. We can’t let anyone hurt it or come between us.”
Beth wondered where the words were that would win her pardon. There didn’t seem to be any.
“Beth,” Laura whispered. “You won’t see him again, will you?”
Beth was silent, not because she was torn again between the two, but because she hadn’t the guts to say, “Yes, I will see him.”
“Beth?” Laura’s voice was small and lost, like a child’s in an empty room.
Beth pressed her close. “I don’t know,” she whispered. Laura took it in silence and in a moment Beth added, “I might have to, Laur. I might have to—to ward off suspicion.”
“Beth, please.” It was almost inaudible.
“Laura, baby, I can’t promise. I think I have to see him.”
“Why?” Her voice came out again, demanding.
“I’ve told you why. What will he think about you—and me—if I don’t?”
Laura sat up and pulled away from her. “I don’t care what he thinks. I don’t care, I’m not ashamed. Are we doing something dirty or wicked to be ashamed of? Are we, Beth?”
“No.” She shut her eyes and said slowly, “But other people don’t understand that, Laur. We have to keep it secret—absolutely secret. People will say we’re queer—”
“But we’re not! I know what queer is. I’ve seen people—”
“Laura, we’re just as queer as the ones who look queer,” Beth said sharply, looking at her. “We’re doing the same damn thing. Now, let’s not kid ourselves. Let’s be honest with each other, at least.” Her own deception shut her up.
Laura sat and stared at her with a horrified face. “Beth—” she quavered, shaking her head. “No…no….”
Beth grasped her hands. “I’m sorry. Oh, I’m sorry, that was a terrible way to say it. I’m just so damn upset. I—”
“Are we really—” She couldn’t say the word. “Are we, Beth?”
“Yes.”
Laura was mute for a minute, and then she said, “All right. Then we are.” She set her chin. “That still doesn’t make it dirty or wicked.”
“No.” Beth smiled ruefully at her and kissed her hands. “It just makes it illegal.”
Laura pulled her hands away and for a long while said nothing. Finally she said, “Are you going to see him, then?”
“Yes.”
“How did he know your phone number?”
“Emmy.”
Laura stood up suddenly and turned an outraged back to Beth. “Laura, Emmy’s a friend. A very close friend of mine.”
“Not of mine.”
“Try to understand, Laura. She only wanted to help.”
“Can’t you make her understand you don’t need help?”
“That would hurt her terribly. I can’t hurt her, Laur.”
“You can’t hurt her, but you can hurt me?”
“Oh, Laura.” Beth put her head in her hands. “I don’t want to hurt either of you,” she said from between her palms. “I don’t want to hurt anybody.”
“Well, choose between us, then. Because apparently one of us has to be hurt.”
“Laura, will you stop?”
