I lean forward and press both hands deep into the soil in front of me, trying to reach down through the earth to hold her hand, so many feet beneath me.
“But that’s never been the case. It can’t be,” I smile again, fresh tears rolling down my cheeks. “Because I always loved you, and you always loved me. So women like us are loved. We are lovable. We have to be, because we love each other.”
The grass is soft beneath my fingers. The sun is warm on my face. Somewhere in the woods around me, I hear a bird singing.
“Women like us are worthy Mom. We’re strong, and tough, and deserving. That doesn’t guarantee anything. That doesn’t guarantee that we get what we want, but it guarantees we deserve a chance.”
I stand, wiping my hands on my legs, feeling the breeze on my face. I lean forward, pressing a kiss to the tombstone.
“Thank you for giving me this chance, Mom. I’m going to take it.”
35
David
I call her from the airport and she doesn’t answer. I text her when I get to my house, and she doesn’t respond.
I drive to her house, pulling up in front of the little bungalow, running up the stairs and pounding on the door, the sound of my fist against the doorframe only slightly louder than the sound of my heart in my chest.
A movement inside, an outline of a body, and I reach for the handle.
It opens before I can twist it and I am about the pull the woman in my arms when I realize…
It’s not Jane.
A pair of blue eyes blink back at me.
They’re not Jane’s.
Over her shoulder, I hear another woman’s voice, also not Jane’s, asking something about lighting a barbecue.
“Hello.” Eyes stare back at me. Wild red hair frames the face. The voice is chilly.
“Jessica?” I ask. The one with the book deliveries.
She nods.
“Who is it?” The voice behind her asks. A different voice I think.
Jessica steps aside and I step in, stumble really.
Five heads peer at me from the kitchen.
Everyone but Jane.
“Hi…” I say, hands stuffed in my pockets. This was not expected.
Jessica raises an eyebrow, crosses her arms over her chest. She says nothing.
“Where is Jane?”
“Where were you?” Jessica asks.
“I had to go to L.A.” I answer, stuttering almost under her gaze.
The tall one, Kate, stands up from the table where the others sit. Her friend, Dawn, continues to gape, mouth open.
“She’s gone away.”
My heart starts pounding again. “Gone away where?”
“We don’t know. She asked me to come by to water her plants,” Penelope offers from the table.
“And I was just dropping off some leftovers,” Dory adds.
“I was in the neighborhood,” Christine smiles.
“I…I don’t know why we’re here,” Dawn says helplessly, her gaze darting between me and Kate.
Jessica, still standing next to me, points wordlessly to a book on the kitchen counter. Simone de Beauvoir, it looks like.
“Why are you here?” Kate asks, standing next to Jessica, who gives me one final look before returning to the table, picking up a glass of something and emptying it in one large gulp, her eyes never leaving mine.
“I came back,” I say again, still almost stuttering. Jesus, these women are intimidating.
“Good,” Kate states, eyebrows up as if she’s supposed to be impressed but isn’t.
“Figured your shit out, yet?” The friendly one, Penelope, is significantly less friendly this time around.
“Where is Jane?” I grit out.
“We don’t know,” Christine says, her eyes soft and sympathetic.
“I tried calling her earlier, to see if she wanted me to bring anything over, but it went straight to voicemail. So, I just came by,” Dory adds.
“Well,” I look between the faces, some warmer towards me than others, “where do you think she is?”
Penelope and Jessica shrug. Dawn continues to stare like a deer in headlights. Dory and Christine look to each other then back to me, no answers on their faces.
Even Kate has no idea.
“Would you like a seat?” Dory offers, but I shake my head. As friendly as she seems, it feels like a piranha inviting me for a swim.
“I’ll head home but,” I pause, “if you see her, tell her to return my calls, ok?”
“You’ve called?” Penelope looks up. “Again?”
I nod. “Several times.”
They all turn to each other. Eyebrows raised.
“She said you hadn’t,” Jessica pins me with a gaze.
“I did. Just now, getting off the plane.”
“What about earlier?” Dawn asks.
“It’s been over a week,” Christine says softly, giving me a reproachful look.
“She said she wanted to take some time, to clear her head,” I sputter, defending myself. “I was trying to give her space.”
The women nod, looking at one another. Dory tilts her head, and they all seem to agree.
“What did she tell all of you?” I ask.
Penelope shrugs, “Well, at first she said that you had called, but then you blew her off all week, so…” She shrugs again. “I was on your side, originally, but now…” A third shrug, this one complete with a head turn away from my direction and a haughty sip from whatever she’s drinking.
“Come on,” Kate puts her hand on my arm, and steers me back towards the door. I follow her, at a loss for words.
We exit the house, Kate closing the door behind me. Standing on the porch of the bungalow I look down at my hands, that sinking feeling in my stomach growing bigger. A part of me, a large part of me, knows I have fucked up epically.
“She said she wanted us to be sure,” I mutter, more to myself than to anyone else, “that we needed to take time to figure things out.”
“And are you?”
I nod, slowly at first, still looking down. Then vigorously. I look up. “Yes. Fuck, yes. It took less than a day back in L.A. to realize that everything I want is right here.”
“Then why did it take so long?”
“Loose ends don’t tie up themselves,” I grit out.
Kate nods. “Then you
