No, Yan must’ve found out because he’s looking into my history. Because he’s searching for something. My heart rate jumps. Could he have seen Gergo and me together? It’s unlikely. We were careful. Still, the mere possibility pushes a sour burn up my throat. I can’t let Yan find out about Gergo. He can never know I took the blame for Gergo’s job, or Gergo is as dead as I’ll be soon.
“Mina?”
I look at my hands. “I don’t like talking about it.”
“Tell me.”
The burn turns to bile. This is as much as I can take. Pushing up, I make to leave, but he grabs my wrist. His hold is an iron band. He doesn’t hurt me, but he makes it clear he’s not going to let go. Slowly, he drags me to him. I feel his eyes on my face, but I can’t look at him. The memory is too shameful, too devastating. I can’t bear for anyone to witness my humiliation, and I especially don’t want Yan to see in my eyes the shadow that day still casts over my soul.
When I reach the vise of his legs, he pulls me onto his lap and nuzzles my neck.
His voice is soft and reassuring when he repeats his order. “Tell me.”
“Yan, please.”
He slides his fingers through my hair, caressing my scalp. “I need to know.”
“The past is best left alone.”
He kisses my neck, his breath hot on my skin. “Not always.”
Turning my face an inch, I finally meet his eyes and give him the most honesty I’ve given anyone. “It took years to forget. I don’t want to relive it.”
His lips brush over mine. “You’re not going to relive it. Just give me the facts.” He tightens his arms around me, his green eyes fiercely intent on my face. “You’re not alone anymore, Minochka.”
The promise is sweet, but he doesn’t know about the nightmares that had haunted my waking and sleeping hours for months and years after the incident. I’m not going to dig that skeleton out of the closet. Besides, the more he goes poking around my past, the more likely he’s to stumble onto my friendship with Gergo. “Why are you so set on hearing me repeat the sordid history? What will it change?”
“Everything.” His jaw flexes. “I’m going to make them pay.”
He can’t be serious. Why does he care? I don’t get it. No matter how many times Yan and I share an unnaturally intense intimacy, I’m no closer to understanding him, because our intimacy is limited to the bedroom. Or does this count? Does holding me close and offering me retribution count as affection when he’s blackmailing me with my grandmother’s life?
“Think about it,” he urges. “Don’t you want this?”
I can’t pin a motivation on his offer, but I do think about it. My attackers haven’t been convicted. They haven’t been expelled or lost their ranks. It was my word against theirs. They claimed my injuries were the result of a bad fall, that I lied about the attack to get them in trouble for coming on to me, like all men under the circumstances would. They labeled me as a slut who paraded naked in front of them, a cock-tease. But that was bullshit. Yes, we shared the same barracks and communal showers, but we were trained to look beyond our nudity and anything else that wasn’t part of the mission. We were machines, instruments to obtain a goal, nothing more. I always waited until the bathroom was empty, and I never took off my underwear in front of them.
Yet the senior officers investigating the matter didn’t take a stand for me. Circumstances were questionable, to quote my superior. A man will always be a man, he’d said. And I’d felt so betrayed, so utterly brutalized by the attack that all I’d wanted was to put the incident behind me. I told myself I’d get revenge on my attackers later, when I wouldn’t be as likely to get arrested for their deaths, but then Hanna’s health worsened, and I got my leukemia diagnosis.
As illogical as it was, it felt like the universe was punishing me for something, and I chose to focus on survival in lieu of vengeance, on paying the bills with my deadly skills rather than seeking revenge on those who wronged me.
“I want them to suffer as much as you did,” Yan says, bringing me back to the present. “To feel every ounce of what you felt, so they’ll never forget.”
I want that too, so badly. Maybe that later is finally here. But no, Yan sniffing around my former unit is too dangerous for Gergo. As much as I crave vengeance, I need to dissuade Yan from this. “Those men are powerful. Most of them are still in the Special Forces, and the rest joined the government ranks.”
He chuckles. “Is that supposed to scare me?”
“You’ll be making unwanted enemies.”
“With as many as I have, what’s a few more?”
Despite the situation, I smile at his light tone. “I wish it were that simple.”
“It is.” He drags a finger over my lips. “I’m not going to force you to talk, but I’m going after them, with or without your relay of the event. I have a good imagination. I’ll put it to use when I decide what dues to dish out. Believe me, it’s going to get very creative.”
I swallow. “It’s not worth it.” Or at least that’s what Gergo told me after the attack. He convinced me revenge wasn’t worth getting arrested or killed over, especially with my grandmother relying on me.
“The fuck it’s not. You’re worth it.”
The words hit a bull’s eye in my heart. “Take a good, hard look, Yan. I’m not a good person.”
“You’re
