But the fact that she hadn’t yet gave me hope.
If she could see that I wasn’t some bastard, piece of shit egomaniac, then maybe I wasn’t going to get dragged down into the mud. Maybe I could beat this—somehow, I might get lucky.
If she stuck around to see this through, then damn it, I would too.
I followed her back inside and forced myself to go through the motions, even if all I wanted to do was flip a table and burn down the world.
I was a doctor, damn it. I had lives to save.
17
Lori
I kept thinking about the look on his face back in that small alley, after speaking with Robert on the phone: it was agony, pure and simple. He realized then, right in that moment, that it didn’t matter what he did or said, didn’t matter how good he was—he couldn’t fix this with surgical skill alone.
He’d need something else. He’d need my help.
And I was angry enough to give it to him.
Maybe the kiss helped convince me. His lips against mine, his arms around my body, maybe that pushed me over the edge a little bit. Maybe I was tumbling, head over heels, into the abyss.
I liked the way it felt to fall.
They didn’t call it sitting in love. They didn’t call it walking in love.
It was a wild, reckless, crazy thing.
For so long I’d done what was right: gone to the right schools, studied the right way, dated the right boys. I didn’t drink too much, I didn’t stay out too late. I was a good girl.
I wanted to be a doctor, and I thought I had to give up certain things.
I gave up myself, and replaced it with hard work.
Now, I wanted that self back. One way was to have what I wanted, and to help the person that deserved it, even if that meant it might hurt my career in the end.
I wanted Piers. And he deserved my help.
I sat in the courtyard next to the cafeteria stabbing a wilted salad with a plastic fork, listening to a small group of nurses laughing with each other, and staring at the patterns of light and shadow through the single small shade tree planted near a group of benches. It smelled like pollen and syrup, probably from a sticky patch of spilled soda on the ground next to my feet. The nearby door pushed open, and I watched Milo step out, hands shoved in his pockets, looking around before spotting at me. He nodded and hurried over.
“I was looking for you,” he said without greeting.
I smiled a little and waved my fork in the air. “You found me.”
He seemed nervous, jittery almost, and looked over at the group of nurses like they were conspiring against him. He seemed to pull himself together before flinging himself down onto the bench next to me.
“I have to tell you something,” he said, staring at his shoes, a comfortable pair of black sneakers.
“Okay,” I said slowly. “Are you all right?”
He ground his teeth and stomped his foot twice on the pavement. “I’m fine,” he said. “But you’re not.”
I took a breath and put my food down. “What’s going on?”
“I overheard something.” He looked up at me. “Swear you won’t mention my name.”
“Whatever you’re about to say, I didn’t hear it from you.”
He nodded once. I didn’t know why that was enough for him—he didn’t seem to like me all that much, and he definitely didn’t trust me. But maybe none of that mattered to him. I liked to think I was an honest person, and he could’ve seen that, despite how he might’ve felt about me personally.
“I overheard Dr. Baker and Gina talking this morning,” he said, still watching the nurses, squinting slightly like they were rare birds about to take flight. I felt like we were in a spy movie, exchanging words in a subway stop in Berlin, pretending like we were strangers. “They were talking about Piers.”
I felt my stomach drop. “What did they say?”
“Dr. Baker didn’t say much of anything,” he said. “Gina did most of the talking. I got the feeling Baker wasn’t too happy about it.”
“Gina doesn’t exactly like Piers.”
He smiled a little. “That’s an understatement. She wants to get rid of him.”
I sat back and let that sink in. “Really?”
“Really. For her, it’s personal.”
“How did you hear this? What did she say, exactly?”
He glanced at me sideways, then looked back at the nurses. “They were in the lounge drinking coffee. I was looking for Baker to ask him a question about rounds, but when I got to the door, I overheard Gina say something about Dr. Hood. I paused and I listened, which I’m not proud of, but I’m kind of happy I did. She said she thought Piers needed to be thrown out, even if he was really good at his job, he was clearly a liability. She said she doesn’t like him, doesn’t like his attitude, and a man like that didn’t belong in a major hospital.”
I let out a long breath. I knew he had issues with Gina, but I didn’t think she was actively against him. It felt like a chasm opened and swallowed me, and I was tumbling down, down, down, deeper and deeper into a hole, with no end in sight. I wondered if there was anyone in leadership that cared about Piers, and how he could possibly survive this if there weren’t.
“Thanks for telling me,” I said.
“No problem. I didn’t like the way she talked. And I got the sense that Baker didn’t either. It’s just that…” He paused for a second and tugged at his scrubs absently. “Dr. Hood is very good. Maybe the best in the city. Maybe the best in the country, who knows, but he’s very good. I want to learn from him one day, but I can’t do that if he gets thrown out of here.”
I smiled slightly. “I’m glad
