Josh waved back. “See you at the fashion show.”
As I entered the building, I poked my head out one last time and said, “I do, Josh. I do like you.”
Then I shut the door in his face.
Classic.
Walking up the stairs to our apartment, my brain was goo.
I do, Josh. I do like you. Really? And then what? Run inside my building like an absolute crazy person. I hoped I didn’t freak him out. But to be fair, walking me home was quite an ambush. I hadn’t been prepared at all for things like conversations or acting normal in any way. It was completely unfair.
Slowing down, I reached the front door and opened it.
Grandma walked out of her bedroom decked out in dancing gear. “I’ve been waiting for you.” She walked over to the record player and put on a waltz.
My grandma was the sweetest.
I really needed this. “Hold on, just a second.”
I placed my backpack by my bedroom door, then strode over to Grandma’s open arms, and we began to dance. She had taught me so many different kinds of dances over the years: waltz, tango, rumba, samba, mambo, quickstep, a little swing. Buster was one lucky guy if he owned any dancing shoes, and if he didn’t, I was sure Grandma would start his lessons soon. It had been her favorite thing to do when Grandpa was alive. They had even won a few amateur competitions in their day.
When Grandma first brought up the idea of teaching me to dance, it had been a month after my parents’ death. I had honestly not wanted to do a single thing, let alone learn how to dance. But she had forced me to my feet and taught me a simple two-step waltz.
It had been so freeing. It made me forget, if only for a moment, what had happened. My grandmother always knew exactly how to help me, to make me feel better. And now when I danced, I allowed myself complete immersion, which lately meant imagining myself dancing with Josh in some fairy-tale landscape or another.
But in this moment, I just wanted to be with Grams.
“Did you have a good day?” she asked.
I went with honesty. “I haven’t decided yet.”
Watching my grandmother’s face light up filled me with delight as she said, “You did it, didn’t you? You talked to Josh!”
Laughing as she twirled me in a spin, I answered, “I did. I actually talked to him yesterday too, but you and Buster looked so cozy I didn’t want to interrupt.” And I didn’t want to tell you I shot someone. Swatting the thought away so as to not ruin the moment, I continued, “He walked me home tonight.”
Grandma pulled me in with an ear-to-ear grin. “That’s wonderful! Did he kiss you good night?”
“Oh God no. We barely talked.” The horror and beauty of that actually happening overwhelmed me. I sighed, exasperated. “I don’t know what to do. I’m twenty-two years old, and I’m acting like I’m fifteen.”
Giving me another twirl, Grams said kindly, “Shy is shy. It doesn’t matter what age you are, trust me on this. But if you can muster up the courage, tell him you like him.”
It only happened ten minutes ago, and I was already having flashbacks. “I did. And he didn’t say anything.”
Grandma laughed. “Knowing you, you didn’t give him a chance to. You tucked tail and ran before he uttered a response. Am I right?”
Hey, no fair knowing me that well.
I had done exactly that. If our outside door had the capability of slamming shut, it would have as I booked it up the stairs.
I was such a coward.
Pulling me back in from a spin, Grandma smiled. “I knew it. Next time, give him a chance to say something. You’re so beautiful inside and out. I wish you could see that.”
“I just . . . don’t see myself that way.”
Sighing, Grandma nodded. “No one does for some messed up reason, but that’s why I’m here. To push you. And to remind you that whether you believe it or not, you’re gorgeous.”
Grandma stopped the dance to hold my shoulders and look me in the eye. “You and I are so much alike. Don’t be so scared of life that you miss it.”
Behind her, my attacker floated behind the window, blood oozing down his face.
Grandma’s forehead creased in concern. “What’s wrong?”
Instead of answering her directly, I asked, “What would you do if you shot someone?”
“Oh. I wasn’t expecting that turn in our conversation.” Grandma sat down on the couch, and I sat next to her.
“I know, but I’ve been thinking about it lately.” Think of an excuse. Think of an excuse. “Because of the gun you gave me.”
Grandma nodded, and her expression turned thoughtful. “I guess it would depend on who it was.”
“A criminal, someone attacking you.”
“Honestly? I’d like to hope that I’d take the moral high ground, but I don’t know if I would. People like that took away my daughter and your father. I hate that I think this way, but I feel like anyone who would murder someone of their own free will deserves to die.” Grandma leaned back on the couch as if this revelation shocked her.
“You wouldn’t feel guilty?” Because right now, I felt like dying.
“If it’s me or him? And he attacked me? I’d rather it be him. There are a lot more people who’d want me around than a killer. It’s why I got you that gun. You may need to defend yourself someday. We should sign you up for lessons,” Grandma insisted.
Lessons. For a gun I’d already fired into a human being.
Why hadn’t I waited? And what if I had? Would I even be here to contemplate that answer? Or would I be dead in front of the alley from Hell?
“Jeraline?” Grandma leaned her head sideways, sudden worry on her face.
When my eyes met hers, her brows furrowed in confusion. “Some police officers stopped by looking for you.”
Fists pounded on the front door, and I
