“Abandoned me. You abandoned me at birth.”
Her tears fell down her cheeks, but I refused to allow mine to do the same. “It’s not that simple.”
“Don’t make it simple. Just tell me the truth.”
“I grew up like you…I was young and alone. When I met Walter, I felt as if for the first time, I meant something to the world. Someone wanted little ol’ me. It was magical at first. Then, Walter began to work later. He became obsessed with success, and he did anything—and anyone—to climb up the ladder. When I found out he was having an affair, my whole world crashed. I felt betrayed. Disgusted with him, with myself. So, I figured I should be a better wife. A better woman to him. So, I tried to get pregnant. I couldn’t. He kept cheating, so I went and gave myself to another man. I figured if he was a cheater, I should be, too.”
I waited for her to continue. I needed all the pieces to the puzzle I’d been searching for my whole life. No matter how much it burned me.
“I, um, I met a man at a bar. His name was Cole Simms. He was smooth and funnier than any person I’d ever met. He was a jazz performer and played at Ralph’s in Queens every Saturday night. I went for weeks to listen to him play. Then, I fell into his bed. Came out pregnant with you. I told Walter everything. He told me that he’d never take me back unless I’d give the baby up at birth. He told me he’d leave me with nothing and ruin my life. I know it sounds insane, but Aaliyah, I had nothing. I was just a poor girl with nothing to my name, and I didn’t expect to get pregnant. All I wanted to do was make Walter feel an ounce of what he made me feel.”
“So, you gave me up to stay with a man who’d been unfaithful to you.”
“It’s so much harder to explain…” she told me, but I knew it was a lie.
“No. It’s not. You gave me up, you left me alone and abandoned, then you adopted a little boy to call your son.”
She lowered her head. “I know how it sounds…”
“It sounds like you’re the devil,” I agreed, feeling short of breath.
I can’t breathe…
“I think it was Walter’s punishment for me. After I had you, and gave you up, he began to speak about how much he actually wanted a child. A boy. He said if he could have that, he’d start therapy with me. So, we adopted Jason…a five-year-old, because Walter didn’t want to deal with diapers and those early years.”
“You chose Jason over me.”
“You need to understand—”
“The-there’s no-nothing to under-st-and,” I breathed out, feeling an ache in my chest.
I took a step backward, and Marie moved in my direction.
“Aaliyah, you should sit. You’re really pale,” she ordered.
“What happ-ened to my fa-father?” I pushed out, feeling faint.
Syncope.
Noun.
Definition: The temporary loss of consciousness caused by a fall in blood pressure.
Also known as the medical term for passing out.
I felt it coming as my vision waved in and out.
“Aaliyah, please,” she urged.
“Tell me.”
She grimaced as more tears kept falling from her eyes. “I went back a few years ago when Walter and I hit a tough patch, to see if Cole still played jazz music. I found out he passed away.”
“How?”
She swallowed hard. “He had a heart attack. He had a genetic family trait that was passed down the line and…” She shook her head toward me and cupped her hand over her mouth. “I’m so sorry, Aaliyah. I’m so sorry. The moment I found out about his condition I went on a mission to find you. I found out where you worked, and I knew after meeting you, I couldn’t go on not having you in my life.”
So many thoughts crashed into my head. So many feelings, so many emotions, so much pain.
Pain.
I was in pain.
I began to fall backward, catching myself as I hit the step of Marie’s porch. I lowered myself down and placed my hand over my chest as I fought for every breath that came to me.
“Marie?”
“Yes?”
“Call 9-1-1.”
41
Aaliyah
My blood pressure plummeted quickly at Marie’s home. I was rushed to the hospital and put on oxygen. Each breath felt exhausting to take. Once Dr. Erickson found out about my condition, he showed up to the hospital to check in on me. The paleness on his face showed me how dire my situation had become. Then again, I didn’t need him to tell me what I already knew, what my exhausted heart had been telling me for so long.
I was dying.
Marie tried to visit me, but I refused to grant permission to see her. I wasn’t ready to deal with her when I was trying to come to the realization that my life was ending.
I wasn’t leaving the hospital, and I knew that for a fact. Not in my condition. A full day passed as I was being monitored. The room felt so cold as doctors and nurses filtered in and out of the space. They pricked me with needles and watched my numbers, making sure I was still stable.
I felt tired all the time.
All I wanted to do was sleep.
All I wanted to do was close my eyes and make the pain go away.
To my surprise, on day two of my stay in the hospital, I had a visitor. One I’d never expected to be standing in my doorway.
“Damian. What are you doing here?” I asked as he walked into my room. He looked down and somber as he always did. “How did you know I was here?”
“I’m pretty good at finding things out. Can I come in?”
“Sure, but…I’m confused as to why you’re here.” It was no secret that Damian and I weren’t close. We’d only crossed paths a handful of times.
“I’m here on behalf of Connor,” he said
