“So you flipped a coin to see who would give Raina a grandchild, and you lost.” Bile rose in her throat.
“I know it sounds bad—”
“You don’t want to know what it sounds like,” she said bitterly. “What happened next? I threw myself at you and became the lucky candidate?”
“If you think back, I pulled away. I tried like hell to stay away. Because you were the one woman I couldn’t do it to.” He ran a frustrated hand through his hair.
“You couldn’t do what to me?”
“It’s going to get worse before it gets better,” he warned her.
“I don’t see how.”
“I said I’d never outright lie to you and I won’t start now. But you need to hear the whole truth before passing judgment.” He glanced downward, then spoke again without meeting her gaze. “I thought I could find a woman who wanted kids. Get married, get her pregnant, and head on back abroad. I figured I’d honor my commitments financially and come home whenever possible, but not change my lifestyle much at all.”
“Just like my father.” He was more like Russell than Charlotte had ever imagined Roman Chandler could be. A true wave of nausea rushed over her, but before she could catch her breath or speak, he rushed on.
“Yes, and because of that, I immediately ruled you out, no matter how strong the attraction. I couldn’t do that to you. Even then, I cared too much to hurt you. But I figured with any other woman, if we were both in agreement on things, no one would get hurt.”
“Another woman.” Charlotte could barely get the words past her lips. “Just like that. You could go from saying you care about me to accepting the idea of sleeping with another woman. So easily.” She blinked back tears.
“No.” He held onto her hand and squeezed tight. “No. I was a mess when I came home. I haven’t even thought all this through until now. But I was jet-lagged, worried about my mother, and I’d agreed to this life change all in one night. I wasn’t thinking clearly about anything except about not wanting to hurt you. So I pulled away.”
“How noble.”
He paused. Only the clock ticking loudly from the wall behind them broke the silence, but she wasn’t about to make it easier.
He cleared his throat. “But I couldn’t keep my distance. Every time we went near each other, things exploded. Not just sexually but emotionally. In here.” He pointed to his chest. “And I knew I couldn’t be with anyone else.” He raised his head and his stare locked on hers. “Not ever again.”
“Don’t.” She shook her head, finding it hard to speak, the pain lodged in her throat and chest, overwhelming. “Don’t say all the right things in an attempt to make this okay when it isn’t. It can’t be. So you chose me,” she said, trying to regain the thread of conversation without emotion getting in the way. “Because the attraction was so strong. And what happened to that caring you spoke about?”
“It turned into love.”
Her breath caught in her throat. But as badly as she wanted to believe, she also was facing the truth. “The perfect words to convince me to marry you and give your mother the grandchild she wants.”
“The words I’ve never said to anyone before. Words I wouldn’t say unless I meant them.” And he did. But Roman knew she wouldn’t believe him. She’d heard him out; however her conclusions weren’t based on his emotions, but the cold, hard facts.
What irony, he thought. As a journalist, he lived and died by the facts. Now he wanted Charlotte to throw away those facts and invest her future happiness on the intangible. He wanted her to believe in him. In his word. No matter that the facts pointed in the opposite direction.
She pulled her hand back and held her head in her hands. He waited, giving her time to think and regain her composure. When she glanced up, he didn’t like the cool look in her eyes or the taut expression on her face.
“Tell me something. Did you plan to leave me behind in Yorkshire Falls while you went back to your beloved job?”
He shook his head. “I don’t know what I planned except that I want like hell to make it work. I’ve had a job offer from the Washington Post that would keep me based in D.C. I thought I could go check it out—we could go check it out,” he said, inspired by the sudden idea. “And together we’d come up with a livable working arrangement.” His heart pounded in his chest as he realized just how much he wanted that.
The fear he’d experienced earlier over changing his lifestyle was gone, replaced by a new and much more credible fear—of losing Charlotte forever. At the thought, he broke into a cold sweat.
Sad green eyes met his. “A livable working arrangement,” she repeated. “In the name of love or in the name of the lost coin toss?”
He narrowed his gaze, hurt despite it all. “You shouldn’t have to ask.”
“Well, forgive me, but I do.” She leaned back and folded her hands in her lap.
He leaned closer, getting into her personal space, inhaling her scent. He was irrationally angry at Charlotte for not trusting him, though he hadn’t done anything to earn her trust. He was also furious at himself and ridiculously aroused all at the same time.
“I’m going to say this once.” He’d already thought it through in his head when talking to Chase. “The coin toss led me to you. It was the catalyst for everything that’s happened since. But the only reason I’m here with you now is love.”
She blinked. A lone tear trickled down her face. On impulse, he caught it with the tip of his finger and tasted the salty water with his tongue. He’d tasted her pain. Now he wanted to make it go away. She was softening. He could feel it and he held
