Of course, all this only made the words he spoke to me in that walk-in cooler even more damning.
I still question if I ever loved him, or if I only loved the idea of being admired by him.
Minka raises an eyebrow at me as I stir the chicken and dumpling soup Eric made for us without actually putting it in my mouth. “Why are you shaking your head?”
I put down my spoon. “Just thinking about how Edward and I met.”
Minka chuckles. “Girl, you have to stop giving him your energy. He’s not worth it.”
“Obvious statement of the century. Don’t you think I know that?” I reply with zero energy.
She shrugs. “Sometimes, I wonder if you miss him.”
My eyes widen. “Uh...no. Forgive me if I’m a little depressed. I’m sitting here seriously considering quitting my chosen career path because that narcissist used me up and tossed me out like a piece of garbage.”
“Which narcissist?”
I roll my eyes at her question, though it may be a valid query. I don’t know Ethan well enough to know if his pathological tendencies match his brother’s. But being twins, it’s not difficult to imagine they do.
“I’m sorry,” she says, reaching across the round dining table to grab my bowl of cold soup. “I don’t know how you can let him still have this much power over you. Like, why don’t you try getting a job in Brooklyn?”
I let out a mirthless laugh. “I’ve tried. I’d have to get a fast-food job or move to Massapequa with Adrian to get away from the legacy Edward gifted me.”
She takes our bowls of soup to the kitchen which is less than ten feet away in the small, gentrified apartment she shares with Eric. Minka’s boyfriend has generously agreed to spend the night at a buddy’s house so she and I can have our second sleepover in two weeks. He even made me some comfort food before he left. It doesn’t matter that the soup was inedible. Eric is a good man.
Why am I always attracted to bad men?
Even now, after being humiliated by Ethan in front of my peers, I can’t help remembering the way he smelled, like a forest soaked in fresh rainwater. I wanted to wrap myself in that scent while sipping a glass of whatever wine he suggests as a good pairing.
“I lost myself.” I speak the words softly, almost inaudibly, but they still feel freeing.
Minka opens her freezer and grabs a frosty bottle of Grey Goose vodka. “You what?”
“With Edward…I lost myself,” I begin. “I forgot who I was. I wanted his approval so badly. I… I got so caught up in being his equal, I never considered I might be better than him. I feel like… I think I lost my passion for the art.” My throat aches as I feel the bone-deep truth in the words I’m about to speak. “I’m afraid I may never get that back.”
Minka shakes her head as she hugs the bottle to her chest. “You can’t let him keep taking from you, sis, or you’ll have nothing left.”
I watch her in silence for a while as she grabs tumblers out of the cupboard and pours us each a couple fingers of vodka. I imagine myself sitting on the sidewalk in front of a Duane Reade drugstore, begging for coins so I can pay my parents the monthly rent. I imagine dropping a bucket of coins at my father’s feet as he looks disappointed, silently wondering why I couldn’t just give up on cooking and get a job in an industry where I’m not blacklisted.
“Maybe we shouldn’t have deleted that OnlyFans page last weekend,” I say as Minka places two vodka tonics on the table in front of us.
“Maybe people can sign up to watch you cook in nothing but an apron.”
My eyes widen. “That’s actually a pretty good idea.”
She purses her lips. “No, honey. That’s not a good idea. That’s a last resort.”
I shrug. “Hear me out. Maybe I can smear—”
But my lurid suggestion is interrupted by the buzz of the doorbell.
I look at Minka curiously. “Are you expecting someone?”
She looks almost offended by my question. “Girl, you’re my only friend. Who the hell do you think I’m expecting?”
The loud buzz startles me again as she gets up and walks toward the intercom panel near the front door.
She presses the button. “Who is it?” she asks, no pretense of friendliness in her tone.
“It’s Ethan,” a warm British voice replies. “Ethan Th—”
“I know who you are!” she cuts him off. “You have the audacity to show your face ’round here. You better leave before I come down there and show you just how much I know about you.”
“Ex—Excuse me… I’m not—” There’s a brief pause, then he clears his throat and continues, “I’m sorry. You must be Alice’s mate. I mean, friend. You probably hate me.”
“You got that right! Now skedaddle before I come down there and you find out how much I hate you.”
“Listen, Minka. Uh, that is your name, correct?”
She rolls her eyes as I make my way toward her. “I don’t know how you know my name, and I don’t care. I’m giving you ten seconds,” she says as she begins counting upward from one.
“Please,” he pleads. “I only need to speak to Alice for a moment. I need to…to apologize for my boorish behavior.”
“Eight,” she continues counting.
“Please,” he interjects, somehow managing to still sound civilized despite his urgency.
“Nine.”
“Two minutes,” I call out over Minka’s shoulder toward the intercom.
“Alice!” Ethan answers back, the relief in his voice audible even through the
