I didn’t think she’d ever hurt my children, she didn’t seem the type, but she was young. Feeling overwhelmed could be dangerous.
Simona’s cries didn’t stop, but they lessened in intensity. I hovered in the doorway to her room, stunned by what I saw. Giulia had bought a sort of baby sling that allowed her to carry Simona against her chest and was currently trying to close it in her back. It was obviously the first time she tried to do it. I walked toward her and helped her. I’d never seen such a thing, so it took us a couple of tries to close it.
“Thank you,” Giulia said. “I bought this today. The saleslady told me that it helps calm babies, so I thought I’d give it a try. It allows the child to feel connected to their mother…” She trailed off.
Simona peered up at me, her head resting against Giulia’s chest.
“Let’s get you something to eat, all right?” Giulia said softly and stroked Simona’s head. Then she smiled at me. “You can go back to sleep. My hands are free to prepare the bottle. See?” She raised her hands.
I nodded slowly. Giulia pressed her palm against Simona’s butt and headed into the corridor, all the while talking quietly to my daughter whose cries became less frequent. I kept following them downstairs. The dog trotted after us into the kitchen and sat down beside Giulia when she began preparing the bottle. She swayed gently from side to side, humming, which seemed to have a calming effect on Simona, even if she still whined occasionally.
Giulia threw a glance over her shoulder at me. “You don’t trust me to handle it yet, right?” She didn’t sound angry, only resigned.
“It’s not a matter of trust.” But it was. I’d never been very trusting, and now my capacity for it was almost completely exploited.
Giulia’s smile was sad. “It’s okay. They are your whole world. You want to protect them.” She tested the temperature of the milk then opened one strap of the sling so she could give the bottle to Simona who latched onto it at once. “I’m going to do my best to take care of them.”
I believed her.
Together, we walked back upstairs. I noticed the open door to Gaia’s old bedroom. Giulia followed my gaze. “Simona and I are fine, really.”
I headed to the bedroom. As expected, Daniele lay curled up on the covers of the bed in a new pajama set with Superman signs all over it. My heart felt heavy seeing his small form. Whenever I looked at this bed, all I saw was blood, but he sought comfort here. I picked him up. He snuggled against my warmth, and I held him tighter. I wished he’d allow this closeness when he was awake too, like he used to do in the past. I took him to bed before I went to Simona’s nursery once more. Giulia sat in the rocking chair and fed Simona.
Her expression became stern when she spotted me in the doorway. “Go to bed, Cassio. I mean it. I can handle this.”
I retreated slowly and went to bed. It didn’t take long before I fell asleep. I only woke briefly when Giulia crept back into bed later, but I wasn’t sure what time it was. She lay down so close to me that I could feel her warmth, but I didn’t mind. I was already drifting off again when her fingertips lightly brushed my hand.
Simona had woken one more time, but Giulia insisted I stay in bed as she took care of it.
Maybe that was why I felt more relaxed this morning than I’d felt in a long time. Despite her lack of sleep, Giulia got up once I was done in the bathroom and slipped in herself.
I went into Daniele’s room. He was awake, as usual at this time, already bent over his tablet. In the beginning I’d hide it from him, but when he played with that thing, it was the only time he looked even remotely happy, so I always gave it back to him. He didn’t look up when I entered, but his little shoulders hunched. I got down on my haunches beside his bed to be eye level with him. Still nothing.
“Daniele, come on. Put that aside.” No reaction. I took it away, and he started screaming, but I put it up on a shelf. I picked him up despite his struggling. His refusal to be close to me cut worse than those whips had many years ago.
I swallowed and put him down on the changing table. It was our ritual that I woke him. It had been like this since he was very small. He always loved our morning time… not anymore.
His teary eyes slanted to something behind me. I turned, finding Giulia in the doorway, her eyes full of emotion and the dog on her arm.
She came inside. “Loulou heard you crying and came up to check on you.”
Daniele quieted, regarding the dog with big eyes.
Giulia stopped beside the changing table so the dog could look down at Daniele and Daniele up at it. I undressed him and for once he didn’t fight. His wide eyes were fixated on the dog as I changed his diaper. Giulia took clothes out of the wardrobe and put them down beside me. Jeans, socks that looked like sneakers, and a sweater with the words “Big brother.”
“You get to wear your big brother shirt today,” she said, grinning.
Daniele’s mouth trembled into a small smile, and I had to look away for a moment. Clearing my throat, I said, “You are a good big brother. Simona needs you at her side.”
Daniele nodded slowly and let me put the clothes on. He could dress himself, more or less, but as with so many other things, he refused to do it since his mother’s death. I lifted
