“Maybe… I’m past caring. It was a tough lesson.” She lowered her scarf to her chin, and her breath puffed in front of her face. “New Year. New start. Time to let the past stay where it is. I’m done beating myself up. Rehashing every single minute. Wondering what I should’ve done differently. Wondering if it was my fault for loving him, trusting him. I was so goddamn gullible.”
“You’ll never know how sorry I am for acting like a dick.” I pulled her into me and draped an arm over her shoulder. “I’ll do what I can to make it up to you.”
“You’re right, you were a dick, and a jerk, and a jackass.”
“Thanks.”
“You’re welcome.” She reached for my hand and squeezed, then looked me in the eye. “But I’m glad you’re here.”
Too much emotion and intensity filled her face and her eyes. It was a look I knew well, and despite her declarations of not wanting to fall in love, she was falling for me, and I needed to set her straight. Set both of us straight.
“I like you, Tessa. But it can’t be any more than like. A relationship isn’t something I want. Baggage, y’know.”
She gave a nervous, high-pitched laugh. “I’m not looking for anything either. Sorry if I gave you the impression I was. This is sex. Just sex. Good sex. Great sex. I’m using you for orgasms.”
I didn’t believe a word she said. “I like you using me for orgasms. You can use me for orgasms all you want.”
“I’ll take you up on that.”
We sat in comfortable silence wrapped in each other’s arms. I enjoyed being here with her like this. No pressure to be anyone other than who I was.
“Since I’ve spilled my guts about my woeful life,” she said, “tell me what’s stopping you from falling in love. Why don’t you want a relationship?”
I leaned forward and clasped my hands together. Did I want to tell her about Grace, give her the whole sob story? Show her I was weak, that someone didn’t think I was enough? Would she wonder what I’d done to make my girlfriend cheat? Grace’s betrayal wasn’t something I wanted to rehash or relive, and if I told Tessa, she’d get a sympathetic and pitiful look in her eyes. I didn’t want that, but I’d already lied so much. Maybe it was time to rip the Band-Aid I’d worn for the past three years off.
“She cheated. We broke up. The end.”
“I’m sorry.” Tessa reached out a gloved hand and touched my arm.
“No need for sorry. You weren’t the one I was about to propose to.”
“Oh…”
“I loved her. Would’ve given her the moon if she’d asked. But even that wouldn’t have been enough. I suppose it’s better I found out she cheated on me before I asked her to marry me.”
“What a fucking selfish bitch.” She clamped a hand over her mouth.
I laughed, but it sounded hollow, forced. “When I found her shagging her boss in our new apartment, I called her worse. I could’ve handled it differently.”
“You haven’t had a relationship since?”
“I prefer fun with no strings.”
“You give me orgasms. I give you no strings. We’re a good team.”
“Sounds like a partnership made in heaven.”
If I had the brains I was born with, I’d walk away before the strings became chains. Get out of Tessa’s life before I couldn’t leave. Before Shane stuck his boot in and kicked both of us where it hurt. But why walk away from someone who enjoyed sex as much as I did? Someone who challenged me and made me laugh. A few more days wouldn’t cause any permanent damage to either of us.
“I get that we both have skeletons,” she said, breaking into my thoughts, “but I’m not going to cling to your leg and beg you never to leave me.”
“That obvious?” I blew out a breath and gazed at the cement-colored clouds.
“Think of us as method actors. We’re supposed to be besotted, and now that we’re sleeping with each other, it’s believable.”
“How so?”
“It’s easy to tell when a couple’s having sex. There’s an intimacy between them, and we have that now.”
“As well as using me for orgasms, you’re using me to make your lies more convincing?” I leaned over and nibbled the cold shell of her ear.
She screamed playfully and fought me off. “I’m not the only one who’s lying.”
Tessa tilted her head and kissed me with so much tenderness I forgot everything else and focused on the sensations warming my body. She had me, and I wasn’t sure I ever wanted her to let go. So much for no baggage and no strings. She wasn’t the liar here, I was. The biggest one I’d ever met.
Her phone beeped. She broke away, dug through her coat pocket, then jumped up from the bench. “Thank you, God. Violet’s agreed to pay for everything. She’d emailed when she was drunk and can’t remember a thing, but she still wants me to fatten up her bridesmaids.”
“You amaze me, you know that?” I grabbed her hand and squeezed. “Come on. Let’s celebrate. We can sneak up to our room and warm up.”
She looked up from her phone and raised an eyebrow. “What do you mean by warm up?”
“What do you think I mean?”
“You could mean drinking hot chocolate, or you could mean getting naked in front of the fire.”
“How about naked in front of the fire and hot chocolate after?”
“That sounds like a fantastic idea. I like how you think.”
My phone rang, and my heart stilled.
