I laughed. “Yeah. You know what I love about Nix?” Grace flinched, and I realized I said love instead of loved.
“What do you love about him?” she asked.
I clenched my fist while responding. “Until I met him, it felt like I was just floating through life. He stuck to his convictions. He made decisions easily. He was this powerful presence. He lived and spoke without shame. He just completely owned who he was.”
“It’s amazing, isn’t it?” Grace asked. “His loyalty was the first thing I noticed about him. I was jealous of Sunshine in the beginning. Everyone is hopelessly devoted to her, but Nix took it to another level. He didn’t project his personal experience and preferences onto her. He understood that she was her own person and trusted her to do what she needed to do. Their friendship was something I wanted for myself. And Nix was just this strong, unapologetic man. He made me feel safe and protected. He made me feel cherished.”
“I want you to feel safe with me,” I admitted. This trip had taught me a lot about my feelings for Grace. I cared about her. I cared about her a lot more than I was previously willing to admit. If anything happened to Grace, I didn’t think I would be able to cope. I’d miss her honesty. I’d miss her snark. I’d miss the way she made me feel comfortable in my skin and capable of taking on the world. I’d miss the way she teased me, too. I guess at the end of the day, I’d miss my best friend. Grace and I were lonely people who found one another.
“I do,” she replied. “It's not the same as with Nix, but I know you’re always there. Even if you don’t want to be.”
“Most of the time, I want to be,” I replied with a grin. “Except when you watch the Kardashians.”
“That show is a spiritual experience, and you know it,” she teased.
“That show is scripted drama.”
We sat in silence for a moment, but Grace spoke again. “Thank you for trusting me with your story. I’m sorry people are assholes. And Tony is a dumbass. Do you realize how hot you are? If I thought you’d enjoy it, I’d fuck you right now on this crowded airplane.”
I chuckled while stroking her hair. “I’ve slept with women before, mostly out of morbid curiosity. But I am very much gay. It took me a while to navigate. Nix played a big role in helping me find myself. Before, I thought masculinity and sexuality were moving targets I couldn’t pin down. Now, I’m just myself. No single aspect of my character, preferences, or needs defines me. I’m Alessandro. I like dick. I love a man who’ll never love me back. And my best friend is an annoying chick who likes to watch me get my dick sucked.”
Grace smiled. It was the first time I’d made such a declaration, and maybe I was still reeling from our near-death experience, but I needed to let her know. What I felt for Grace was different than what I felt for Elizabeth. It was right. It wasn’t forced. It was real, raw love. Grace made me feel safe. I could unapologetically be myself with her.
“Don’t you fucking dare make me cry, Alessandro.” She sniffled and looked me right in the eye. “I love you.”
My throat became clogged with emotion. “I love you, too.”
She shook her head and let out a laugh, dissolving the heaviness of our conversation. It felt good to lay our cards out on the table. “The good ones are always gay,” Grace sighed playfully. “I’ll settle for shamelessly cuddling you and feeling up your six pack abs, though. And watching. I like that.” With those words, her nimble fingers settled over my stomach, and she stroked my muscles.
I shook my head. Voyeurism was more Nix’s kink, but I didn’t mind. “Happy to put on a show anytime, Grace.”
There was still unspoken tension between us. I couldn’t help but wonder how long this would last. I knew things would change once we found Nix. I wasn’t sure I could watch them together. I didn’t want to choose between them, but if I did, I was no longer sure who I’d pick.
Our near-death experience made me realize that I needed to spend more time with Grace. I needed to give our friendship an honest shot. I could see us growing closer now that I was being honest with myself about how I felt. She wasn’t just an obligation. She was a tether to the man I loved. A friend. Someone I could trust if I allowed myself to break down the walls I’d built up around myself.
But if Nix picked me, I wasn’t sure I could tell him no, and I would ultimately become another person that abandoned her.
Sydney, Australia, was chilly and in the throes of their version of winter. The sprawling cosmopolitan city was surrounded by water, and it had beaches that made me want to forget all the stress plaguing us and spend a day resting on the sand. The people had a sense of style all their own, and I caught myself eyeing some of the taller men in tailored suits strolling down the business district. We got a room at the Sofitel hotel that overlooked the water and was surrounded by restaurants that boasted outdoor seating. If we weren’t running for our lives or searching for Nix, it would have
