“Why?” I whispered, my voice small and choked up.
“Why? Because you are everything that is good. You are smart, kind, loyal, funny, beautiful, the strongest person I know and you are always you, no matter what. Everyday I try to be better because I know you deserve better and I want to be that person for you. I want to be with you, always,” he answered, making my eyes tear. James wiped the tears from my face and continued caressing my back.
“No, why did you let them believe I was part of some list?” I asked, regaining control of my voice. He shuddered involuntarily.
“It was before we were together and on good terms. I was afraid you’d never forgive me but I wanted to try and make things work. I thought it would be easier to let them believe you were part of the list while I tried to get you back,” he explained and I knew he was telling me the truth but still it hurt.
“The whole time I kept reliving the fight we had, James. That was the worst day and it all felt so similar, it really hurt James,” I told him honestly.
“Babe, I never wanted to hurt you and I am so sorry about what happened. I should have told you about the list and why they’d been leaving us alone. I was a coward, things were going so well and I didn’t want to risk us or ruin it. I will never let this happen again,” he promised.
“It made me realize that you did this once before and it could happen again,” I stuttered.
“It will never happen again,” James declared urgently, “I promise, babe. It never should have happened the first time and I still regret every second of it.”
“But why did you even do it the first time? You’ve never told me why! What’s supposed to assure me it won’t happen again?” I demanded.
“I was stupid,” he said, closing his eyes.
“That’s not good enough,” I told him, I wouldn’t be able to go through this again.
“I let Gert manipulate me,” he whispered.
“Gert? What does this have to do with her?” I asked confused. Why would he ruin everything over her?
“I put my trust in her and not only did she betray me, but she cost me everything.” He groaned. “I was in love with you Mickey, and it was clear to everyone but you,” he continued, making my chest hurt all over again. “Gert told me that you’d never feel the same about me, that I was so far friend-zoned that I’d have to completely change myself to get you to even notice me like that. That I’d have to become popular and cool and then maybe you’d see me the way I saw you.” I couldn’t help but tear up at his words. “She told me you had a crush on Neil and were into guys like him and then she told me how to be more like him. Eventually, her advice started paying off and they accepted me into their group on the condition that I said all those things to you, it was Gert who pressured me into saying it all,” he explained, looking distraught.
“I’m sorry you ever felt that you had to change for me to feel the same about you. I’ve always loved you, I just never wanted to risk losing you.” We kissed hard, tangling ourselves under the blankets.
“I got drunk a lot after that fight, to try to stop the pain. I wanted to come back begging you to forgive me for all I had done, but then I thought you had called the cops and betrayed me and I was so angry. I know I was stupid!” he said and I could hear the self-resentment clear in his voice.
“It’s okay, James,” I told him, stroking his back, “I forgive you.” He opened his eyes slowly to look at me, I kissed his lips lightly. “It was always you.”
James
The next day I went over to Mickey’s, we were off for our camping trip. I still couldn’t get over how lucky I was to be with a girl like her. Not only had she forgiven me the first time but a second time after yesterday’s fiasco. I thought she’d be done with me for sure, but no, she managed to over look it. I did not deserve her. I was so thankful to have all Christmas break with her and to be going camping and get away from all the drama. Just my girl and I, alone in the woods, could it get any better? Mickey was already packed and waiting for me when I arrived, decked out in her hiking boots and a red plaid flannel and wearing a grey beanie on her head, she looked cute as ever. I kissed her full lips, addicted to them and her touch.
“Ready to go?” I asked, taking her bag, which was very light in my hand. She smiled brightly, her eyes lit up.
“Yes! I can’t wait!” she exclaimed giggling. I took her hand, intertwining our fingers as we walked to her dad’s car, both excited for our adventure. We used to go camping at least once every year and it was something we only did together. I had missed it but I knew it wouldn’t be the same without her.
“I haven’t gone camping since the last time we went out together,” I divulged. Mickey grinned at that.
“Same. It was our thing,” she told me, warming my heart with her words.
“It still is.” I smiled, giving her hand a squeeze.
The campground was beautiful; in the woods, surrounded by tree and nature and nothing else. A real getaway from everything.
“I love how quiet it is here,” Mickey said, as we
